what does being "depressed" even mean
"unhappy for long periods of time" yes, punctuated by bouts of utter misery and the occasional uplifting emotion that lasts for a few moments at most. I don't get it. "sad" is the norm for me (although I do have a neutral of sorts) it has been for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone was like that. actually, I still do. I can't imagine not being unhappy all the time. I cannot comprehend what it would be like to feel relatively " happy" for long periods of time. (this summer was different. it was more like not-having-emotions-and-not-caring contentedness, albeit with more happiness than I've had in a long while) I mean, I hate myself and I'm miserable all the time, but isn't everyone? I'm not going to kill myself, so no problem, right?

as a kid I remember asking my mom "is there something else for me to look forward to?" (these were the times that I crossed off the days until I went to a friends house, or until christmas morning) I tried to explain that I felt that there needed to be something else- she scolded me for being selfish and greedy. I was just looking for something to think about, to look forward to, because otherwise things  seemed so blank and empty and pointless.

maybe its a cultural difference
mb I should go live in russia - don't try to be happy, go live with people who like (?) misery instead!