last night after rehersal we (J, JT, H, and K) went to fiesta's. we ate and then talked for hours, and the conversation went (as it often does late at night when you talk for too long) around to religion. H said that she would never marry someone who wasn't Christian. J tries to argue with her (he loves philosophy) and fails (of course) against the "this is what I think, I don't care about anything else lalalalala" brand of religious argument. it was interesting; I have so much to say but I am afraid of H not liking me (why do I want her approval so much?) and K was there (she's even worse) so I didn't talk like I should have. why? I always end up looking stupid.

I like J so much and I don't think he has any idea... maybe he even thinks I don't like him... (so not true J, I adore you, don't think I'm to good for you, never think anyone is too good for you. you are wonderful and there are plenty of people who see that, don't settle for less) I kind of avoid him, almost, because I act like such an idiot around him, but I just want him to know that I think he's a great person, really. I just... want him, just for a little while.

oh god, now I feel fucking SICK. why do I do this to myself? why do I torture myself? there is nothing I can do, there is no way I can get it back, the rest of it is ending now.

I just like him better than all the others. I think he's just right, exactly how he is. I want him to be happy.

I feel sick, I feel like I'm going to cry, something is clawing at me and it won't let go, no matter what decision I make I think it's the wrong one, time is ticking down all too fast and I only have a few days left until it ends forever. I won't miss it though, right? that last bit of childhood? there will be others like him, right? please tell me there will be, please say there will be others that will make me forget him entirely, that are just as wonderful in their own way.

I adore that boy... and no matter how hard I try to ignore it I think it's clouding my judgement.

nearly every single post for the past two months has something about J. what the fuck, I'm pathetic.

I. HAVE. TO. LOSE. WEIGHT.

what was I thinking? what was I thinking? why why why am I so stupid I always make a fool of myself there is no way he could like me at all when did that happen? can we rewind and do the whole thing over? I will be better this time, I'll try I'll try.

where should I go? I'm torn, torn, torn. I don't know, I'll make the wrong decision.

prom was lovely. it was such fun to go with J, I hope he had fun too... there are pictures of me that don't make me want to cry! I danced the whole time, and was reminded again how much I love my friends. I danced with J and it wasn't too awkward actually it was nice, just to hold him for a little while (he asked me, too. he was so nice about staying with me, even though I told him he was welcome to go dance when I was taking a break). does he like me at all, or is he just being nice? the more time I spend around him, the more I like him, but he most likely feels the opposite about me... I'm kind of (well completely) boring (we didn't talk much during dinner). but all in all, it was a teenage dream.

there will be boys like J in college, right? please?

a brief but torrid love affair

dear J:

I just want to touch you and hold you and have you be mine for just a little while. I want to go to the movies with you and have interesting conversations with you and ride bikes with you and go to the river and wander around the pass and go to the ocean with you and go swimming and stay up late and watch the stars with you and sleep with you and watch the sun rise with you (sun rises are so much better than sunsets, you know) and then we can go off to college and turn into adults and never see each other again, and that's alright with me, I won't ask anything of you when summer ends, I only hope that you might feel the same sort of way.

(And when I say "I love you"- don't be afraid. It doesn't mean I think we should be together forever, I don't want your total devotion. All I'm saying is that I think you're a wonderful, lovely person really, I just want to remind you because I think you forget sometimes. )

the school I want to go to doesn't offer engineering fuck what am I going to do but I wasn't really sure I wanted to do engineering anyways, but what the fuck else am I going to do? fuck if I'm going to get some useless degree and be poor and jobless, but I'd end up that way with all the majors except for premed and prelaw which I'm sure I don't want to do... what the fuck do I do?!!?!?!?

I don't want to be gone all summer

I AM SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER I JUST CANT BELIEVE IT

i need to go see that movie

and make plans for a grad party/ my birthday party/ going away party

plans for summer (galadarling's list! the sea! I'm yearning for it)

its snowing today, a lot.. its so warm outside! yesterday I went out without a coat..

dye my hair

breakfast!!!

the trip was fun, I loved my roomates, decided to stop trying to be friends with K, M, and S. oh well. I had a lot to say but I've mostly forgotten it now, that's life I suppose.

planning for prom has been a complete nightmare. I don't really know what we're going to do... J and I went to buy tickets today (I just like him more and more...)

I'm probably going to U of O.