I have screwed everything up so fucking bad
no matter what I do I'm wasting years of my life, and how much of my family's money? I am so disgusting I fucking hate myself. there is no way this is going to work, but I can't admit it, so I just have to keep going on the tiniest chance that this will happen even though logically I KNOW it won't work
why do I even want this? because I have nothing else
NOTHING
I have no skills, no interests, nothing to do, nothing to work for, nothing to look forward to... everything costs money, money I don't have

I am fucking sick of my parents paying for everything. They give me too much, they actually think I'm going to be something... I want to be independent, free of this crushing guilt. so when I'm hungry bc I'm so poor on my own...well thank god I don't have to feel guilty, because guilt feels worse than hunger