well the thing is, I will never have a lot of friends or have a great relationship or anything so my career better be kinda fantastic as it is the only thing I seem to have any control over.

crying for three days, why am I so stupid and why can't I make myself do anything about it. you're trying too hard, not trying hard enough, what is the point of anything. no one wants to be around me. I try so hard to be pretty and interesting, I do my best to fill my time with all of my hobbies and interests and socializing but what's the point, my life is going nowhere. it always has to be me who messages first anyway, people don't like me, or they just forget about me. I feel so incredibly alone, I made it here and I accomplished things and my parents did so much for me and absolutely nothing came of it. I'm so tired and I hardly do anything. I don't know what to do, I don't know what direction to go, what I want seems so laughably impossible I just want everything to stop.

I often think of these cities, imaginary places. I see a photo, an image of a window, a street, some music, and there it is, I'm wandering through it. so hard to hold on to though, and if it did exist and I went there it wouldn't be the same. besides, I actually kind of love the cities I live in. it was so beautiful today. surprised by how good things are... need to hang on to those cozy city moments, wandering down by the water with S and A, and then A and I taking the subway to centralen to go to the big espresso house there (which was still open!) and have a muffin and tea at the end of the night, and we chatted the whole time about, can you believe we're actually here? in this city, in this country? and I said, I always try to look out the window when the train goes over the bridges, over the water and the view is actually fantastic. ought to quit looking at my phone and be impressed with how far I've made it. so funny these cozy moments in the middle of the city, where it feels warm and like home. A said "ah I wish I could pendla with you it's so cozy!" and it is. what exactly is so lovely about sitting with a friend on a train home late in the evening?

I wanna be adored. my standards are high, fuck it. why should I care, or settle for less?

my heart is beating so fast I'm just anxious. I don't want V to find out about J and I don't even want J. I am so embarrassed of myself sometimes. I have this daydream of having very close friends who I am actually comfortable around, and traveling and getting dressed properly to go out and explore the city. is that so much to ask

I am missing L (I made the right decision though) and thinking I should get rid of J... what does he add? I was hanging out with v and some others today, thinking about how these female friendships are so much more valuable to me. but breaking up is hard.

So porn is totally ok because you like it, and I am crazy/stupid for pointing out the realities of rape and abuse. no, you haven’t read about that because you “just don’t want to” (and you’ve made it very clear to me that while this is valid reasoning for you to do something, it is not valid reasoning for me to do something, it makes me “childish/stupid/annoying”. When I disagree with you I’m overreacting but when you disagree with me it must mean I am just stupid because you are never, ever wrong about anything). It makes me feel really great that you get off to watching other women being raped and abused, yet not when we have sex. Also it’s completely obvious that you are a porn user. Do you really think most of that actually feels good? You have no idea of all the shit that women do constantly just to protect your feelings.

Two messages and you’re “tired of my shit”.  Ok I should have gotten that already, never ever tease you because you have no sense of humor, take things overly seriously, and always assume the worst (re: crazy stupid girl) out of everything I say.  Everything I say, every feeling I have, can be dismissed with “you’re just jealous/childish/stupid/obviously over emotional”. No valid thoughts here folks! Just an empty head! But you still want to be around me (… I think? It’s hard to tell sometimes) juuust so long as I never say anything negative/ something you don’t like. Limit is like one sentence that is not “yay I’m so happy!” and then you’re “sick of my shit”. Oh and “you’re not responsible for making me feel good” well… no. not exactly. But what do boyfriends or even friends do? Aren’t you supposed to at least try to be, idk, supportive or something instead of making me feel like I shouldn’t ever show any negative emotions or you’ll just say I’m being stupid and annoying? What is the point of being in a relationship then anyway if you are not allowed to talk about anything, and you put no effort into actually trying to connect with/understand the other person, can’t you even try to be nice (like I am nice/supportive/not showing my annoyance with you all the time... you asking "what's wrong" after you've already said something hurtful is not helpful, and I have no interest in explaining my feelings when I know you will only be annoyed)? (feels so great that you can think I am annoying/stupid all the time but if I express any dissatisfaction that is NOT ALLOWED) Why don’t you just buy a sex doll? Apparently that would be the perfect “relationship” for you!

“you don’t put any effort in” I’m sorry, did I say “I deserve to be stupidly rich, not her” or did I just say that I feel a bit depressed/insecure based on the fact that I will never attain that sort of status/success no matter how much “effort” I expend and this is a bit irritating? Besides, I have spoken about this person to you maybe ONCE and yet you continue to use this against me. And, what exactly AM I supposed to do? (ps, how exactly do you know everything I do when I’m not with you…?)  I’m applying for jobs, learning/practicing swedish, and doing my best to go out and meet people and do well in the job I have, what else am I supposed to do? I have NEVER claimed that I “deserve” better or that my situation is anything other than a result of my own choices, this doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to have any negative emotions.

I think I am going to buy a diary, one with the dates on every page. to write every day. if I have too much to say or too nasty of course I will write here still and just note it in the journal. sketchbook will be only for sketching and art notes again. idk, I will feel more organized if all of my lists and wants and worries are in one place. I like re reading this blog  and remembering, the problem is I only write here when things are nasty. so maybe it will be good to keep track of things everyday instead. 

the planner I bought most recently was for the academic year rather than calendar, but that's ok, that's how most jobs work here... in the long run I get a new journal in january and a new planner in june which would be nice because I love to buy stationery! 

I miss my parents. sitting in the cafe that dad and I always went to for breakfast, went because I've been feeling sad/hopeless lately. I guess it's good to think that I am not half as miserable now as I was when I was here almost a year ago, that's something.
sitting here with anxiety in my chest, as always.

the american embassy, the arctic council, the barents observer....
iceland talking about US maybe coming back because we're afraid of Russia... the world is moving and I want to be involved. only problem, I have no skills, only interest. what to do. should have been a scientist. if I had done that, then I could just focus on the regions and issues that interest me because of environment and physical factors, rather than being expected to care about ~development in the global south~ or whatever the word is today (world's too big, I just don't care even if I wanted to).
I can't even make myself do art anymore, the one thing I still enjoy(ed)
I'm so behind

I just feel trapped no matter what I do. There's no POINT to anything I do all I am is bored or anxious and I can't make myself fix it.