I am so BORED
fuck I hate myself, yay way to start the new year

why can't I make myself do anything, panicking
so terrified I'm going to get fat
I need to take better care of my teeth and skin
my skin is fucking horrible, so dry what to do?
they're going to destroy my poor hair at the salon today fuck

I am not unique in any way. I am certainly not perfect and it is almost irritating when he says that. I am struck again by a desire to do something. Something significant, to define myself, something concrete, substantial, unquestionable. I think about this:  part of the reason I wanted to join the military was to go to war. To come back, no matter what happened, and have something, a certain respect, fear? disgust even? (for something other than the basic fault of being a girl) that no one could question.I've (maybe, you don't know) killed someone (in a morally, politically sanctioned way of course). I have power over you because I have experiences you do not, experiences that are defined clearly in our society as honorable. how will you dismiss me now?

I can't explain it, this unrelenting desire to break free, to be alone, to do everything by myself. It's not that I don't like him; I do, but I still feel that he will never understand me (none of them will), and I am tired of being pulled out of my world because I'm afraid of being laughed at. I just can't comprehend, how people relax into a relationship. I am always deconstructing: what is happening? is this what I want or am I being weak? how can I be a feminist and be myself when I am constantly editing my behavior? I am tired of trying not to hurt feelings. I am tired of letting something slip and then having to comfort him, tired of the inevitable conversation that reveals that for all his good intentions he does. not. understand. and reminds me that I am tiny and insignificant and weakly pushing against something that doesn't even know I'm there and thinks my beliefs are crazy. They will never understand because they don't have to, and I am so tired of  it all already. I am lucky enough to be one that doesn't feel the need to have a partner; I am just as fine without one. In fact, I feel that being alone is more normal and comfortable to me. so why don't I break it off? I don't really know. Why should I? I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, I never have any sort of intense feelings for anyone. I don't miss people either..
I'm hoping/praying to everything that I get into the masters program or I get the job. please I just want one of them... all I really want is to live in my own little apartment and live my own life, and start paying my parents back a bit...

all of the reading I've been doing the past couple days, about the iraq war, feminism, and militarization has been so exciting. its also a little sad that I finally found something fascinating that I would actually want to maybe write about and I'll never really get to study it formally.

been a bit miserable for the past couple days, trying to get my motivation back. It would be really nice if my boyfriend wasn't so sick, if we could go do stuff even if it was just to go sit in a cafe and study together. I'm still very unsure about this whole thing, I just like being alone and untied so so much. I don't want to be connected to another person, I want to have absolute independence and freedom to do anything I can think of. walking into town today, listening to music, I was thinking of it, being alone again. I started thinking of all of the times I've done anything with aircraft and how people always seem to say that I have a natural talent for it. I STILL want to fly, still, and I'm wondering if I really can do it all... I'd work here for a while (craft, network, build my resume), get my pilot's licence and then go fly helicopters in iceland or new zealand. how does one go about getting a job to scout for movie locations anyways? There are so many things I want to do/ways I want to live: in a small town by the mountains or the ocean where I can go hiking all of the time (or raise children close to nature), in a big city where I can have a respected career/exciting job/have my own shop, in a middle sized city like uppsala where I can do things comfortably at my own pace (I think I'll start here anyways), or on the move, living in sweden for a while and then new zealand or iceland, flying helicopters and doing art/other odd jobs... but I really need to work on staying in contact with people? I want that comforting network of all of the bushue relatives but if I can't have that then I'm fine with not much at all. I really think that sometimes all of my worries about social stuff are created by other people. if I'm being honest with myself, I don't want/need to be social a lot of the time. I have a few good friends and that's good enough for me, although I do like the feeling of knowing people around me in general, which is not really a possibility if I'm moving around all of the time... I need to start that swedish learning blog I think.

the kind of person who:
has an interesting, well- paid job that she does well at
takes really good care of her skin/teeth/hair
has perfect makeup/doesn't wear any at all
has a small, well curated wardrobe (and makes enough money for high end pieces)
has a signature scent/collection of niche perfumes
uses whatever expensive beauty products she wants
gets a gel manicure
buys whatever frivolous collectibles she wants (mlp, lps, moomin/studio ghibli merchandise, legos )
has a nicely displayed collection of her favorite books and movies
in her free time plays video games, works on art projects, dances to K-pop, or studies (languages, history, politics, designing toys, anything interesting)
regularly visits/talks to friends
has a pet that she takes excellent care of
cooks healthy food on a regular basis
sews little stuffed animals and cute things, maybe makes some of her own clothes
reads a lot and continues to learn
has a hyper- feminine apartment in a good location
doesn't own a car (so gets exercise by walking or biking everywhere)
has worked in a toy store
has a pilot's license
has multiple income streams: started her own business (possibly a toy shop)
lives in a city she really enjoys

the way he tries to comfort me, and the singing, and the bad jokes all make me so happy
that time I was so sad, and he was so silly and "lets have tea and watch lord of the rings!" (or when he made up a long song about what we were doing and the conversation we were having and wouldn't stop singing everything he said, sitting at the table eating candy and trying to toss sockerbitar into eachothers' mouths, or when he was trying to come up with games we could play together and "I thought you would like this one because it's so cute!" and when his plan for the day was to go eat waffles and watch adventure time, how we always seem to be thinking the same thing, those long walks we used to go on, how he always wrapped his arms around me even when he wasn't awake so it was so comfortable even though my bed was so small, that week he spent staying in my room was one of the nicest I've had, all of the times he called me just to talk, wandering up and down the hallway talking about nothing in particular...
when I was horribly sad for no reason and he was listing all of the good things, including "...and you have a long haired boy!"
at the beginning, when he sent me such cheesy over the top messages and then apologized after I told him to slow down "I'm sorry, its just, you're so amazing!" (I'm so so sorry those texts are gone)

I'm so sad that all of our earlier texts are gone. all of the times I thought "maybe this is a bit much?" but now I want to go back and read them...

that one walk we went on, where we tried to come up with a name for his bike and he said something along the lines of  "bel-leaf, because of the beautiful leaves and because this is.. making me believe in humanity again.. yeah"

and it was just so perfect, wandering around town eating so much candy and walking back behind the buildings to the train station to get the bike and talking about how nice it was to have happy associations with autumn for once 

I want to remember all of these little things but I have such a terrible memory

I just want to get this job so I can live here in a cute little apartment and bake lots of things and sing in the choir and grow little flowers and make little miniatures and dioramas and do lots of art projects and keep a journal so I practice swedish and drawing and singing more and  I actually really like this town I could definitely stay here for a little while and maybe, maybe get a puppy with boyfriend or maybe even a hedgehog I just want this so, so badly

oh fuck me, I am so in love
why is this so uncomfortable

but I don't want to work in diplomacy. this internship would be great, yes, but it would be difficult and unpleasant and it would get me a long way... in directions that I don't really care to go.
and  I don't REALLY want to be able to sculpt hyperrealistic horses either. I'm fine with my little cartoony creatures, I can already pretty much make what I really want to make but I got distracted by ~improving my technique~ and stopped doing it for enjoyment and then I stopped doing it at all.
I'm coming to realize that what I actually want out of life (at least for now) is definitely within my reach. I just need to ignore my desire to compare myself to what other people are doing...
I feel so, so, SO stupid for saying this, but I really hope that this thing with L can actually go somewhere. or end peacefully when I leave?  I wouldn't mind coming back to this....even though he's so young. we both are, but. it feels so weirdly superficial right now I'm desperate to get to know him as well as I can in this limited amount of time...
(but dear god do I know this didn't work last time. but I think I actually have feelings for this boy, so maybe this will turn out differently...)

I just want to get this job so I can come back here and stay here, and be doing something I enjoy, and be living in one place for more than 6 months so I can settle in and buy curtains and cooking/baking stuff and some furniture and have lots of craft supplies and a pet and do nail art and have people over for coffee and dumb shit like that
I just wanna take a break from the OMG WHAT NEXT GOALS stuff for a while (and if this works out, which I'm praying to every possible entity that it will bc it would completely make my life, I will come out of my "break from the ratrace/ world" with nice job experience and fluency in a second language)
of course there are like 2384927 things I need to do before I get there
sigh
don't jinx it!!

so I sat across from him at the gasque, and didn't think much of it except he looked good in that suit with his long hair (then he wrote that note to me that I didn't really get until later. I thought I wasn't his type, so I didn't think about it at all) he brushed my arm as he said  goodbye,  and I walked home alone, excited for all of the new possibilities in  life
then he asked me to coffee, but we ended up meeting at an awkward time and so we just wandered around for a while before going to the pub, we talked and talked and wandered some more and I was sorry to say goodbye
and then he came over and we watched all of the lord of the rings movies and I invited him to stay
then he really wanted to meet me again so we went to lunch and then went shopping
and then we watched the hobbit, and didn't really watch it at all we just kissed and talked instead
I don't know what all of this is, I just keep thinking that I want to remember all of those little moments and I feel really funny and sigh-y
like my heart aches a bit when I think of him and I'm so so happy
what is happening to me

I have no idea how to feel about any of this but I don't feel bad anymore, so that's a start.

omfg why is he not talking to me what did I do?

really fucking upset that the stuff I tried to cook didn't work out I'll probably have to throw it away fuck
how are they all bffs already?? except I don't really want to be friends with them anyways so...
why don't I have more friends why don't people like meeeee
goddamn I really hope I get this job I don't want to jinx it by talking too much
why can't I sleep anymore

things I'm holding on to:
1. pitea boy liked my facebook picture. also he said I was pretty.
2. L said something along the lines of "I loooove her she is the cutest person ever!" about me
3. two of D's friends (who I could sort of maybe be friends with eventually?) think I am great and said so to pitea boy.

ALSO I SORT OF GOT A JOB OFFER TODAY OMG WHAT THE FUCK THINGS ARE HAPPENING AND GOING RIGHT IN MY LIFE

why does her friend have to live so far away? if I do come back I will meet him. I just want someone quiet and polite who can be my best friend and travel to iceland and st. petersburg and other cold beautiful places with me.

I'm going to download a bunch of my favorite movies and sign up to work at the cafe and I'll be super outgoing in my classes and I'll try to be friends with these people and I'll ask J and L for coffee and I'll PLAN like an adult, to come back, get things done

I've been feeling ok, sleeping ok lately, but I've been having fucking terrible dreams
one night it was something creepy with an old man chopping up children and horses with teeth in the water
last night it was zombies and my parents believing I was crazy and locking me up

what I'll be doing this year:
bake a lot
sculpt a lot
practice swedish a lot

I feel like I'm panicking I don't want to be with him anymore but I don't want to hurt him
I'm so shallow and selfish but I just want to run away

I just want to cry.
I can't even believe how horrible and stupid I am

ok now I'm crying about having to leave my parents again
I don't even know what to do. I have to break up with my boyfriend, I've decided and I have to do it but I want so badly to NOT hurt him and there is no way for me to do it that won't end in a sad way. I have to go  and do, I actually have some plans and ideas now, and I have to do it by myself. I have to figure out how to live in the world and be an adult on my own.
I should be excited about going abroad again but I just want to stay here, in my old bedroom with the comfortable bed and all of my favorite things, and the most beautiful summer I've seen in ten years, and the sky and the mountains and this whole place is so so beautiful and it's where I've lived all of the happiest parts of my life. I just want to keep doing nothing for a little while, living with my parents and going to coffee and going out to eat and walking the dog and going hiking and watching movies together in the evening and cooking dinner and helping mom in the classroom.
I've never really had a time where I didn't get along with my parents, and I never felt that they didn't "understand" me. it's just in the past few years I enjoy spending time with them more and more, and now I feel like that time is limited and fleeting and I'm just not ready to go back yet.

it is a bit difficult to be confident when you are such a complete failure at pretty much everything. or when you realize you've been trying so hard and it just comes naturally to (what seems like) everyone else. "well you never know if you don't try!!" no, actually. I am often quite aware of when "~~~~just tryyyying something!!!" will lead to nothing but mild humiliation and wasted money.

uuuggghhh I hate myself I should never go on facebook ever (and it's my own damn fault I'm a nothing)

dear god I am so behind, I need to get my shit together and actually DO something. I don't even know what widgets are, I don't know how to code, when this guy talks I have NO idea what he's talking about and I get the feeling that I should try and learn this stuff somehow 'cause this could be my ticket, you know?? I've been thinking about my definable options and there are more concrete ideas than I thought there were, I just need to organize them and write them down, I still have no idea what direction to go in? but this whole "creating tools on the internet/ new uses for technology is actually very interesting to me, and it would mean I could be very mobile, and possibly self- employed (!!!!!) which is something I am very interested in. I mean, my mom told me that pekka worked for the university, not that he had also started his own company/was making money  off of creating interesting things that help people. I need a job jfc. one that won't kill any braincells.

had coffee with chelsea today, came away with renewed determination to DO STUFF. and to keep in contact with people. I'm a little sad because I'm worried about marie, have not been calling her as much as I should. also this is one of the last times that dorotea and I are going to  be listening to music with our doors open I'm going to miss living across from her. got some newish ideas floating around- might have a place to live in stockholm if I come back at the end of next year...

I just want to live in a cute little apartment in the city and have tons of craft supplies and a sewing machine and room for all of my toy collections and I'll buy mlp and lps whenever I want, and tons of legos and  a playstation and all of the games and I'll just eat fruit all the time and bake things and use all the fancy hair and skin products I want, collect niche pefume, all the brightly colored sneakers and healthy food, and have some small fuzzy animal companion, I'd save a bit of money each week to go on adventures...if I lived in seattle I'd have a nice little bike and volunteer at the nordic history museum and go take flying lessons in my time off and I would also babysit kids on the weekends or volunteer in a kdg classroom or something. I want to live in seattle :( also I would have pink controllers

I am so fucking pathetic
good to know some things never change

There was something about rescuing a rapunzel pony, then living with a family in a tall skinny house and “whose socks are these?” then awful things started to come across the lawn to retrieve their socks. I swam across a lake to hang out with  kasie adaline and maybe Katelyn, but I had to write a paper. When I tried to swim back all the water was gone and there was a concert there, hard to get through all the people. Then I am at my grandparents’ old house, where the tysklinds live now. It is huge and strange and I am crawling around trying to recognize something, I wonder why there are so many people there I go outside. The sky is dark, and orange and red light as if there are huge fires somewhere, there is an old wall and through the archway I can see the city of Visby. Flocks of some reptilian creature fly back and forth, I can just make out the sillouette of their riders against the dark sky. I want to take a picture but it is difficult because my feet keep sinking, as if there’s only mud beneath the grassy tussocks. I step up onto what I think is a rock but it sinks as well and I jump off, afraid there’s something dead beneath it.

I try and try to take a photo but my camera doesn’t work and at some point it turns into a half eaten apple (and none of the buttons remain so I can’t switch it back) which I throw on the ground in anger. My mother argues with me and just makes me angrier. When she leaves I lay down on the ground and scream, I don’t care what comes up out of the dark. But then a boy appears, he is very good looking with long dark hair. Somehow, he understands, he knows me already but I don’t know him. I wonder for a moment why A hasn’t come to help me but then I realized he didn’t know, and I had no way to call him.  We spend some time wandering the house and talking. A showed up later but wasn’t very nice to me?

I told A I loved him yesterday, not really sure if I meant it or not. I love him maybe, but I’m not in love with him. The way the summer is now, I just want to explore by myself. I’ve never met anyone and I can’t imagine anyone that would be better than being alone sometimes. Lately I’ve been switching between “what am I going to do whithout this boy?” (when I’m with him) to “boy, what boy?” when I’m alone and thinking about what to do this summer. 

I started crying today, I don't know why really. A was so sweet, trying so hard to make me feel better but that sort of thing only makes me cry more, crying and laughing at the same time...

fuck I'm falling apart I'm fucking losing it

I'm so desperately bored I feel nothing I don't care about anything I'm sinking into it again I
I want to go home and hug my parents and my dog
or even just back to my old school to hug my old roomates
sigh

1. idek what to do about that. but they're making me sad
2. why am I so awful. I need to be a better friend I am so sorry
3. why do I still feel sick
4. why am I so fucking tired
5. I am terrified that this isn't going to work out
6. I don't even care anymore
I don't care about anything
I am so fucking boring
who the fuck am I what happened

I don't even know, I have no feelings about anything right now.

I am going to jump out of the fucking window

I am so uncomfortable right now I don't know what to do
I haven't talked to her in a while, what is going on?
I think I might be starting to like this boy, a bit, but now I never get to see him, why does this all feel so strange and seem so drastic right now

since when did I become one of those stupid girls who wait around for a guy to make things interesting
I have other things to do but there isn't anything I have to do
this is so pathetic

ok so tomorrow I'm going to get things done
plan out some things to cook and bake
get my reading done
do swedish homework
work on study abroad applications
send emails to mom
catch up on TV shows
do some fun reading
go running in the evening
take good care of myself (drink lots of water!)

but I CAN'T go back. I cannot be there for another year and a half. I can't

jesus fucking christ I can't do ANYTHING
I am so fucking pathetic

the deadline passed a week ago I am going to kill myself

this is so uncomfortable what did I do wrong

I feel horrible, why

fuck
I fucked everything up again
everything, I am so fucking stupid

so fucking miserable today
part of the problem is that I don't know what I want
and if I do want something, I always manage to sabotage myself

so
fucking
pathetic

What was I thinking? What did I think would happen? I just want to be left alone, I am such an awful person I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry      What did I say? Of course I knew he doesn’t like me much at all but that doesn’t mean it’s nice to hear, it hurts a lot actually why? Why am I so awful, I’m just a stupid stupid child of course no one likes me. Why on earth would this be any different, I’m horrible, but why do I need this validation? I keep thinking maybe, just maybe if I had done things differently, if I hadn’t been so stupid, this would have gone differently (it wouldn’t have) always, the “what if” even if isn’t possible is going to kill me 

I feel sick so so sick and I can't even explain why 

hearing them laugh is stabbing me a little
why didn't A come and say goodnight?
more importantly why was I pathetic enough to try and stay up to wait for him?

ugh I want to cry I want to get off of this ride
I like hanging out with him a lot, I like kissing him, I care about him but I think he likes me so much more than I like him.... what was I supposed to say when he told me? not now, maybe later? not now, I'm going to see if the guy I really like likes me back and if not I'll pick you?
this is going way too fast but I can't do anything about it now, and the other knows, oh god he knows now I'm sure EVERYONE does I want to cry (I don't know why this is a bad thing but  it makes me so anxious)
I'm so distracted and I'm such a horrible person I haven't seen my other friends for days now the other teases me a bit I have no motivation to do any school work
but she likes him, that other boy I like so much and I agree with her so much and I can't lie if they got together it would kill me a little inside
but I am such a greedy horrible person why would that other boy like me anyways, and it would be so horrible to hurt the one who likes me, but I don't know I haven't figured out how I feel about this yet but sometimes  he concerns me, he's really not my "type" at all so I don't know what to do with myself but I can't do anything different  I am such a horrible horrible person help I feel sick I don't want to be here anymore I can't do this for another 4 months what is happening

miserable/anxious/horribly horribly uncomfortable
I am the worst person
haven't been in this mood for a while

maybe if he was a bit shyer, like the others. then this would feel better, less uneven

sometimes I wish I was attracted to girls- or better yet not attracted to anyone at all, and then there would be some lovely girl and we would just live in ~girl world~ all the time, and not have to deal with not being understood, being called crazy, just live in a bubble of quiet companionship and doing exactly as we pleased
girls are lovely I don't even want to think about boys half the time

1. I have issues with always being afraid that I am bothering people/in the way. It makes it difficult to be my own person and do what I actually want to do.
2. learning to not hate other girls just because that's supposedly "what girls do" has been one of the best things ever. I love my female friends, and guess what? all of those "other girls" are individual people with personalities and ideas! I refuse to dislike other girls just because of my own insecurities. girls aren't born "catty" society makes it that way. (if you disagree you can go fuck yourself)

what am I doing
what if I did that just because he asked me first? just because he likes me and no one else has? what if I like someone else better? (does the other like me at all? I think not, because I have terrible self esteem, but he seems safer somehow? but untouchable, and the first is very safe, I like him... I can't switch now, I think he likes me more than I like him, I don't want to hurt anyone) why do I have such a hard time making decisions? why do I always regret my choice? what if he's not right, what if he doesn't think the way he should, I didn't check thoroughly enough, what if he shouldn't get me? I don't want him to have me because some of the things he thinks are wrong- he doesn't want to talk about it- but I do, I always do, and I don't take kindly to being brushed off. maybe the other would tolerate it, listen even better, I don't know. but no one should "get" me, I'm not a thing, but that's the way it goes, it's so wrong all wrong and I just want to enjoy myself but I can't. I cannot. there is too much to think about and none of them (in the entire world?) will or can ever understand, I don't think. even here... I feel trapped, I don't know what I'm doing, but I have no reason to feel that way, I thought this would be different (that it would never happen) I don't trust him 100% yet so I don't know, I haven't been myself since I got here I've gone soft because it's easier here, already so far ahead of home, where is all of my meanness, I guess you can't be tough if you don't know anything (jesus I don't know anything about anything), why am I terrified that other people will know? I kiss one person and I'm terrified of being called a slut, but why? I already see the end of this, it ends with me being "crazy" (always always always) because girls are always crazy (all girls are the same you know, complicated, crazy, crazy is that even a word it makes me want to scream) and he says I'm "not like the other girls here" who doesn't want to hear that they are unique, special, different? but I want to shout "I AM like the other girls! I am not unique! they are me and I am them and if you are going to put us in a box then we all go, all of us, you can't just pick out the one you like at the moment (before she becomes one of the crazies, of course). I will always stand with ~other girls~ even if I don't like them, because if I didn't I would be betraying something, looking down on them just like the guys and I will NOT fall for that bullshit" you don't get it. I can't get a single sliver of respect, everything is determined by my looks, my relationships, I have to be so much better than a guy, just to be considered a person, and then I hear "well I think you're a person" yes well what about the rest of the goddamned world, you have no fucking clue what it's like to deal with all of this coming down on your head all of the time, what it is to be aware of the wrongs, to care about the world, to try and be a girl and keep a hold of yourself (who that is, I have no idea) none of you fucking get it. this is why I'm angry, but no one ever, ever listens. never. "you think too much" well, hooray for you, I'm glad you have the option of not thinking but it's all I have it's all I am, but then I don't speak because I don't want to make him uncomfortable (then he wouldn't kiss me again...) and I can't believe that I'm even thinking this, how did I lose my voice so quickly I am so weak
fucking hell how am I supposed to write a paper now
I am so fucking pathetic where am I

I want too much from everyone and everything and I have no right to even ask for it

as always, M is unbelievably adorable and I wish he could be mine

why am I not pretty/why do I have no personality

A is actually really attractive (why are they all being so nice to me)
I want to get to know M better (he's so cute so cute I cannot believe) but I don't know how... I don't know what to do with myself in any sense, all  I can think about is this stupid memo I can't come up with a topic

It's really nice to just talk to people.  The last few days have been very nice and I know I'm going to forget them but I don't know what else to say

I just remembered that M went on a skiing trip and that's why I haven't seen him
which makes me feel better, weirdly
this class is still terrifying but I'm only a little behind, apparently no one else knew what unitary vs. federal was either

I am so, so sad it is crushing me
there are 15 different things I have to do this is a mess
I didn't quite realize just how stupid I was until I got here
I am also so fucking pathetic
M- he’s my neighbor and he just helps me with everything and he said if there was anything I needed I could just ask-he made dinner one night and was like “oh it’s probably really bad” but it was actually so good and he was so cute and shy about it when I told him how good it was awe and he took me on a little walking tour and showed me where everything was in town and then he made hot chocolate when we came back and when we went to that party he just kind of hung out in the kitchen with me and he kept saying “wow people are really drunk!” in such a cute way somehow (his accent is so cute sometimes) and he said we can switch, one day swedish then the next day english because he has to practice (not fair he’s already fluent I have no idea how I’m going to improve my swedish…) I mean he’s cute but mostly he’s just one of those people whose mannerisms/expressions/how they are is just so endearing/adorable ;-; I think he’s out right now, he usually knocks if my door is open to say hello, and he does this adorable awkwardly hanging out in the doorway thing when he  keeps talking to me, he offered to give me one of his scarves...
I didn't really talk to him today I haven't seen anyone in my hall I don't know what to do to be friends with people, and  I sure as fuck don't know how to date someone (not like I have a chance in hell with this one)
I have no idea how I'll ever make friends I cannot believe how stupid I am this class is going to be an exercise in humiliation that I want no part of, there is no fucking way this is going to work, and no way am I going to learn this language
I just want to cry
or call my mother and then cry, but I have no idea how much that'll cost

I've been talking to Marie these past few days about things, and she said I worry to much, take too much responsibility for things, but I must! I have to plan ahead, I have to take care of my parents, I have to think about what I want in ten years because whether I get it or not depends on what I do now... I worry so much though. I just keep it to myself. I worry so much about marie too, she is getting better but she is still not well and it makes me cringe when we have to go across all the ice, she is in pain sometimes I know but I really can do nothing to help which makes me very anxious. All of the people my parents age, my parents too, are aging a bit and I feel as though I am very aware of it and I worry about things but there isn't anything I can do to help except for be sympathetic even though I am very young. but I hope so much that my parents will be able to do what they like for many years yet, as I do not look forward to the day when my dad can't do whatever he likes anymore.

ohh, I am so content to be here again. I have enjoyed this week very much, even though I haven't done anything other than curl up on the couch with otto and chiara and watch movies and eat some good food that I've missed. They make me wish I had siblings so much. or at least roommates. I just really love the whole family and I love staying there so much, ha I thought "I would marry otto just because of the in laws I would get." we went skating one day, and had sandwiches and hot chocolate just like I used to with my dad when I was little. whenever I'm traveling through dalarna and see all of the lovely little houses I can't help but imagining little children and the sort of life I could have there... I don't think about husbands and children when I am anywhere else but for some reason I can't look at one of those houses without my mind creating an image of children playing in the snow with a smiling man whose face I can't see, or taking children down to the lake to go skating and then- a family's coats and mittens in the entryway when everyone comes in to have a meal...

I feel like crying, why is this always so difficult at the last moment. I just have to remember that I adjust and forget in about a day and a half max, even though it seems horribly sad now

I just realized that I was last there five months ago? it doesn't seem like that long, this will go by in no time at all whether I like it or not.

that was so cool
and now I'm feeling hopeful again

I can't be excited.
everything depends on this, and if I screw it up I'm fucking done for

I'm so worried and stressed out I have no idea how I can make all of this work but it has to

Goals:
1. improve my Swedish
2. get a job
3. save money
4. work on ground school
5. get in shape
6. grow out my hair
7. stay in contact with people
8. do more
9. figure out what I want (long term goals)

figure out how to be less unhappy because this is crushing me right now

still really mad, yay! (I don't know why this is getting to me so bad lately)
so miserable, it doesn't seem like all of this is actually happening? I should be really excited, but I have zero long term plans, everything just seems more and more hopeless.