ok, so I need to lose at least 20 pounds.

how did this happen? what is wrong with me?

and I still can't write this paper.. it's due in two days

I have had forever to get this stuff done, I'm pathetic.

and then sometimes I hate H. so much. when I think of the cowardly little face she makes when anyone mentions anything that is remotely political or even the tiniest bit controversial. I feel like I cannot have an adult conversation with her. she is just so sheltered and stupid and she never makes the slightest attempt to educate herself or form her own opinions in any way. nothing makes me angrier than someone who doesn't care, or blatantly allows other people to think for them, and somehow thinks they're above everyone else. she just does the equivalent of covering her ears and singing whenever she thinks I'm saying anything important like I'm going to corrupt her or something. it's not like I'm an opinionated person (except in my head), I keep those sorts of things to myself, and if I do happen to comment, no one ever listens to me anyways... so much hate I want to scream and scream and scream 

I still want to fly. still. but how?

yep, I have definitely gained weight, even more. the better I do on my diet it seems the worse I look. I know I'm not eating too little... I used to enjoy food so much and I really can't anymore. not that I would be able to at school anyways. I am so so so so so sick of the food there. sometimes I just don't eat because I don't want any of it, it's that bad. it can't be good for me to eat the same things over and over again, can it? and I can't run because of my stupid legs... I miss it. it was the only daydreaming time I had here, but it hurts so bad even when I walk too much now. 

yeah, so I don't have any friends. most of the time I don't care,  but when I go on facebook it sucks. M seems to have made some great friends at her school, how does she do it? I don't understand. I mean, I have H, and I love her, but I was hoping for some new friends. you know, like everyone says you're supposed to make in college. god, everything everyone told me was complete bullshit, I mean, I kind of already knew, that but still. "you'll miss home! it will be so hard to adjust! you'll have to do everything yourself!" um, does everyone else have a maid or something? literally, the only things that have changed coming here are I don't have to clean the bathroom or cook anymore. "the classes will be sooo  challenging!" um, not really. same old shit as high school. lecture,notes,essay-I-have-no-clue-how-to-write-so-I-just-make-shit-up,lecture,notes,test,repeat. "you'll make sooo many new friends, there will be such a diverse group of people there!" lol no. why I ever believed this shit I don't know. and diversity? by that do you mean a bunch of california kids who all look, dress, act, and talk exactly the same? I wish I was exaggerating. I mean, I always thought the california stereotypes were just that, stereotypes. but oh my god, the people at this school exemplify them to a t. this place is more stereotypically high school than my high school..." you don't need to know what you want to do yet..." ok just shut the fuck up now. 

looking at facebook always makes me feel like ripping my fingernails off. It just kills me that I will never be successful in any sense of the word, and there are so many things I want to do... oh well, I'm stuck now. 

once again, here I am, with not a fucking clue how to write this fucking essay. 

I wish that I could split myself into two different people so I could beat myself to death

saw SB in the dining hall just now when I went to get water. with a group of people, sitting next to a pretty girl (of course) and smiling at her in that sweet way.

what am I doing? hiding in my room reading a book for history. I feel pathetic. I miss having a big group of friends, everyone is so segregated here.

some of my friends here follow me on tumblr. it's horrible! I don't know what to do! tumblr used to be a comfortable, safe place where I could say whatever I wanted and never think about other people but I can't anymore! and I can't block them, and if I make a new blog I'll lose all of the ones I'm following now... ugh ugh ugh I don't know what to do and

i feel like I've lost my safe haven or something....

I am getting fat my stomach is just one big roll of fat my tights make a bulge in my middle I am panicking

and then some days, the simple fact that I exist is humiliating.

I've gained even more weight. I feel disgusting. I've been doing pretty well on my diet, and working out every day, but it doesn't seem to help at all. I just keep getting worse. I miss being thin. I miss almost being able to wrap my hands around my waist. I miss how my stomach would sink in when I lay down, how weird it looked because my hipbones stuck out so far. I miss tights not cutting into me at all, I miss never having any bulges or worrying about where my waistband sat. I miss trying on whatever I wanted because it would never be too small. I'm afraid that I will never be that thin again without starving myself, and I will just be gross for the rest of my life. why didn't I pay attention then? I took it for granted, and in such a short time it's gone.

watching top gun... I love this movie, but it makes me want to throw up. or throw myself out the window or something. I want to fly so badly. more than anything else...

this blog hasn't been a very chronological? diary lately. I have been posting on tumblr too much. but people actually read that one, so sometimes I write stuff here. most everything I wrote about my first few months of school are on tumblr.

I have definitely gained weight since I got here. there are rolls of fat that bulge over my waistband when I sit down. I work out every day, I eat very, very carefully (no meat or cheese, very little dairy, very low carb), I am trying (with limited success) to cut out sweets completely, and I drink a LOT of water. I eat well all day, but in the evenings I am just so fucking hungry that I can't help it, I eat more after dinner. I go to bed at 11, I can barely get out of bed at nine, I wake up in the middle of the night horribly thirsty (I have never had problems sleeping through the night before), I am eating better and I am more active than I have ever been before, and I am gaining weight. what the fuck is wrong with me? my thighs rub together, there is a thick layer of fat over my ribs, and my stomach sticks out so far it's fucking repulsive. what am I doing wrong?