I am so angry about how much I have wasted my life. why do men get all the actually-fun hobbies? I want to go mountain biking, I want to have started with longboarding much earlier... I've spent the past 14 years of my life (since I was 10 I suppose, my parents did a good job of shielding me from the worst of it) with half my brain being taken up with how I look and I am so fucking tired of that. I feel like I only have a few years left to really use this body- climbing, longboarding, biking etc etc before my recovery time starts to get too long. I have to focus on that and save the safer stuff for later (like sailing, for when I have more money too lol). but also, getting pregnant? WHAT A FUCKING WASTE! what a waste of brain! what a waste of time! what a waste of good physical condition with which to do actual enjoyable things! fuck!!!

wanna get some big sunglasses
really get my clothes down to a uniform
no more wasting time on beauty stuff
gotta quit wasting my time on the internet. I feel like I have been less successful than I could be because I am so addicted to the easy highs of digital media. Studying is only boring because it's not a quick dopamine hit (IR and social studies were different in that I had to actually DO very little outside of reading and analyzing interesting stuff). I have so much time and I need to USE IT.

I've wasted my life and I'm way too fucking old for what I'm doing. But I'm (trying) not to care. just have to focus on the priorities. have to do this physical stuff while my body still works and heals pretty fast. so, longboarding and climbing come first, then languages, ukulele and art only when I can't be outside doing something.