I am so desperate to succeed and I am so willing to fight for it but the problem is I don't even know what success is for me. I don't know what I want.

school is ok. it's a little boring. I can't be bored I may as well kill myself if this is the "best time of my life"

I'm not good at anything. I have no talents or skills or even any particular interests. there isn't even anything that I'm really bad at. no distinguishing features, I don't even know what I like. I'm studying what I am because it's interesting sometimes? I don't hate it?

I have never created anything on my own, I don't know how to do anything, I'm not really learning anything here. college ~~experience~~~??? gaining ~~maturity~~? I am far more mature and responsible at home  than I ever have been at school. college basically enables you to do absolutely nothing, have no responsibility and to put off acting like an adult for another 4 yrs. I don't think I am getting much from this ~experience~ except an all-consuming sense of guilt about the amount of money my parents are spending on me.

no one has ever taken me seriously. I get no respect from anyone. and I never will unless I am "successful". I want to be in control. I want to tell people what to do. partially why I considered joining the military: for some reason any thought you have is given 10x more weight if you're like "well hey, I survived a warzone"
also, I feel like the being in a warzone would make me a more "~~~well rounded person~~~~" than college. I am already not-a-complete-idiot who is aware of what's going on in other parts of the world, so I don't think that taking ~~~multiculturalism~~~ credits are really adding anything.

once I made some comment about being irritated about school ( I was taking a full schedule of "gen ed" courses which are the most fucking useless and pointless courses designed to suck as much money out of you as possible) and my mother said  "you're just like your father, you can't stand doing anything that you don't think is useful" well no fucking shit. why is this strange???? I refuse to do something just bc it's ~ what you're supposed to do~ (note:  I still had a 3.6 gpa for that term. I'm angry, not stupid)

"why are you so angry?? you shouldn't be so angry." well, I don't really know what to say to this. I have about a thousand valid reasons to be very very angry. I keep it to myself. If you are not angry about how the world is then you are either a) completely unaware of anything b) incredibly stupid. if no one ever got angry, then nothing would ever change.

I have always said I would never be a teacher. it's such a stereotypical "woman job". it is also an incredibly important job that you get a) no money and b) no respect for so, no. But I really enjoy working at the elementary school. I would be an excellent elementary school teacher. yes, right now. no, I don't think anyone can do it. I think there are a lot of people who are "super nice and love kids!!" and whom kids also like but they fucking suck at working with them/ teaching them anything. everyone always assumes I'm a substitute/student teacher/ studying to be a teacher- all the other teachers tell me "you know, you really need to go into education." Yes but... the idea of doing 5 years of college to learn about this, and then get no money and no respect? fuck no, actually. so I don't know what to do about this

I still want to fly helicopters why does this cost so much

I am fucking terrified of getting old and losing what little looks I have. I have absolutely nothing else.

I cannot really comprehend myself in a relationship where I wasn't forced to behave like someone else. like the whole idea of a "significant other" is just strange to me. it seems like a waste of time and energy. part of me is afraid of " being alone forever" but I'll be fine. I want someone, but I don't actually care that much? I don't even know. at some point last year I went "I give up. no one has shown any interest so far, and I'm only going to get uglier. not to mention thinking about boys seems completely pointless and not productive" so I went back to not thinking about relationships at all, which was what I was doing in the first place for the most part. I feel like I don't care/ think about this at all and then occasionally I'll look around and be like "wait a second... how come I don't get one? that'd be nice." but then I forget about it again and carry on.

I still haven't had a job. this concerns me a lot more than the never had a boyfriend bit.  never having had a job is NOT OK. but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time doing pointless menial tasks for what? money? it doesn't seem worth it somehow? I need a career where there is some larger objective.

I really like making things, and building things with my hands. figuring out how to make pearl hair pins (bc I wanted some) or putting together model airplanes= really fun to me. I am really good at working with my hands and picturing things in three dimensions. people are always like ~omg you should do engineering or architecture!!1 and I'm like, I fucking hate math. also, I do not want to be in school any longer than I have to.

I like doing artistic/creative things but I am fully aware that I am not nearly artistic/creative enough to make a career out of it. I am not stupid.

I am such a boring person. I don't know what makes a person interesting, but I don't have it.

I want to get in shape, but I don't want it to be pointless. some kind of martial arts? I don't know. I miss horseback riding. I always have to live some where I can go hiking and running without seeing bunches of people.

does no one else dream like I do? this is an honest question. my dreams are never set in reality. everything is always warped and twisted, colors, physical rules don't apply. impossible landscapes, creatures of every kind, blood, bones, death and destruction, long convoluted story lines (usually involving me trying to save someone/ kill something/ escape/ make people listen to me but they never do). I never dream about the real world. giant purple flowers with eyes? mountains too tall to exist? a disease that makes people melt into piles of blood and bone? being eaten alive by maggots? trapped in a giant pink bubble? repeatedly stabbing something but it keeps coming back? all the norm for me. I almost always know I'm dreaming. I can usually control some of whats going on, but this doesn't make it any less real or terrifying in the moment (although sometimes I am completely unafraid for this reason) I thought dreaming was like this for everyone, but apparently not.

there are so many things I want to do but I'm not sure how to make them happen. (I want to fight and hack and slash, can't there be an apocalypse of some kind so I can shoot things?) I feel like my time is running out very, very quickly and I am just sitting around doing nothing