start karate and horseback riding again
retake SAT
take ACT
what if I don't like it?
I just want to fly. that's all.

so much stuff dragging me down, I've decided it doesn't matter.
can I have those new running shoes, because I am going to run at least a mile every day now, not jog, RUN.
I'm way off on sleeping, but that doesn't matter. tomorrow, I will get ALL of my questions in math explained, no matter how much my teacher tries to avoid it. then I will get my history project completely and awesomely done. and then I will think about other things.
I've decided all the depressing shit doesn't matter, because I'M GOING TO FUCKING BEAT IT ALL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR0R_4cFxEc&feature=player_embedded#!
this music video makes me want to cut my hair short and wear leather jackets. but I wouldn't look sexy, just silly. oh well. why can't I dance like that?!

oh, and FUCK YOU NS. FUCK YOU. I am so fucking sick of hearing your shit.
really!!! I might block you on facebook! this is really amusing to me right now, not sure why, but you sure are pissing me off. and I don't even care about you, soooooo....

SKB is tooootally in love with C. of course. she doesn't even have to do anything, and guys fall head over heels. because she is so tiny and adorable and loveable... no one is immune. not even me, the ugly giantess.
I am so fucking mad with this stupid dress code. am I the ONLY one who ever gets punished for it?
I want a pair of aviator sunglasses. and, fuck, I WANT to fly those fighters. I would give everything up to be like that... one of the best pilots in the world... the problem is, realistically, I know I'd never get there.
but. I WANT TO FLY THOSE FUCKING PLANES. I really just want to scream that. ahhhhh, my secret dream, how you will never be...

my blog is so depressing!
well, I guess the only time I write anything is when I feel like crap or I'm really angry.
I really want bluish-green streaks underneath my hair
mom makes me so angry sometimes. why does she have to be so immature? I mean, I know I am sometimes (well, quite often really), but she's an adult (who thinks she's soooo far above everyone else....).

creepy. desperate, kind of disappointing. ew, I feel icky.

I hate I hate I hate why do I do this to myself? ruined. all ruined. I'll be a mess. why?
J, you are so cute, and I hope people won't switch seats...
F, I really don't think I like you. you treat me like I'm stupid and you make fun of me. I know, eeeeeverybody loves you... I don't.
what the fuck is up with all the bugs in the house? it's freaking me out.
SKB, I don't even know what your name is. but I feel you deserve a mention here. if only as another person who reminds me how huge and pasty and ugly I am. whatever, whatever.

STOP talking about how much you hate twilight. newsflash: you're not alone! so quit acting like this makes you all "Rebellious" and "Unique".

why can't I be pretty? why? why? why does she have to go to my school? (you guys are so cute together it makes me sick) why am I ugly? invisible? I'm not ugly, I'm just not pretty enough, and therefore not at all. G, you don't even know I exist, and you wouldn't ever notice me if you did (this is ok because I think you're a jackass), but why, why, why not. its so unfair. S is just born with a striking face and cooperative hair. so is M, and especially N. it is so easy for them, no matter what they say, they have no idea. I have to try and try and put time and effort into just looking ok, how is that fair?

it is unpleasant having C around all the time. she is so tiny and adorable and perfect. she is feminine and delicate, cute and pretty... everything I'm NOT. and it's just depressing to have a constant bubbly reminder of my height and flat chest and non-cute face and fuzzy hair...

light blue is a ridiculous color for nail polish. it looks ridiculous. why does nailpolish always look so silly?

I read that book, the religious cult, the brainwashing stuff. and it made me think of church. you know, when everyone is singing? and what kb said, about all the times they were shouting the songs together and how it was "so awesome" and I think about that reaction. I have it too. this nice little bubbly feeling you get that's like "I'm part of a group". and it's a happy buzz, I guess that's how people are wired, probably why so many people are religious. and I think for a moment "wouldn't it be nice if I could just turn off my brain and actually be part of them". but. creepy, creepy as fuck, it's brainwashing. the chanting together, the singing, the shouting, the "positive thoughts", separating kids, and the strict rules... it's the same, it's the same. I meant it as a joke, but fuck. there you go.

here I am again. nearly 3:00 in the morning. I was doing so well... and I have stretch marks. this gives me a horrible, out-of-control feeling. I want to panic and scream. I am young and thin. I have been young and thin for the entirety of my short life. so why the fuck do I have stretch marks? I need to eat less. I have lines on my face already. they show up when I'm tired. the lines and dark bags under my eyes never go away. no mom, it's not "you need to smile more!" this is how my face naturally sits. smiling requires energy, and I spend most of my time being really. fucking. exhausted. no matter how much sleep I get.. not to mention, how the fuck do you know what I'm like all day? being around you usually makes my mood take a drastic plunge, even when you aren't actively trying to make me angry... and I look like a fucking idiot when I really smile. I'm not ugly. I look fine, I'm just not pretty. I'm pretty in my own way sometimes, but always quite awkward looking.

DREAM COLLEGE CRITERIA

-tons of study abroad options
-lots if international students/diverse student body
-close to major city (good public transportation system/good for bikes), at the very least somewhere same size/larger than anchorage
-good atmosphere in surrounding area, lots of things to do
-close to mountains/ocean
-flight program
-medium sized (no huge classes)
-good student/professor ratio
-approachable/available/helpful professors/faculty
-ballet, horseback riding (good extracurricular opportunities/clubs)
-nice dorms and facilities (priv. rr option, good rec center, wifi)
-good food
-friendly vibe
-prestige
-good academics (lots of strong majors)
-non-conservative area
-moderate climate (NOT hot humid/rainy and dark)
-even ratio of men/women
-lots of scholarship options/fin. aid
-CHEAP

I have so many plans for this year. you know, eat better, exercise more, get more sleep. I'm already a little off on the last one but I actually feel like I can go to sleep right now which is awesome.

I made a new blog but I like the old name better

I don't know, I don't know, back to square one I guess. I was so sad today, and then I was happy, I think it was the letting yourself-wallow-in-it-at-rock-bottom thing so then there's nowhere to go but up. but whenever I'm happy I am never completely happy so I always ask myself what's wrong, and then I realize there's tons of things, and I will never be able to relax. I have to find that fucking ring. still!! still!! how the fuck did I lose it? why?why?why? why did grandma have to die when she did anyways, because I really want to talk to her! and I have lots of things to ask her and talk to her about that I never got to, and my family, they have terrible memories, they don't get it, and I really don't want to be responsible for her ring. I HATE LOSING THINGS. MORE THAN JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

http://canichangethisname.blogspot.com/ this is my old blog. but I gave someone the link to it so it's not private enough anymore so I made this one. but I want them to be linked together.