so there's this guy K, and on his facebook page it says he wants to study aerospace engineering. he's in physics and calc, like me. I think we have the same grade. so why is it that if I say something about wanting to study engineering, people will say "but I thought you didn't like math" or "but you've always struggled with math, and engineering is a lot of math!" and if K said the same thing, people would be like "awesome! where are you going to school?".

what the fuck. C does nothing, and she gets an allowance? I do 3 times as much and mom doesn't pay me. C is ridiculously slow, unhelpful, lazfy, and she gets 100 DOLLARS A MONTH from rotary no matter WHAT she does. fuck. I am so sick of mom right now. what about all that work I did (that C was supposed to help with) that you said you'd pay me for? she does some cleaning ONE time because you MADE her and now all of a sudden she's the one getting paid. what happened to that "if I have to ask you, you don't get paid" thing? fuck you!

why can't I go to sleep? why am I always, no matter what I do, so so so tired? why do I eat things when I'm not hungry?! why am I always out?

I should have an A. I should have an A, but now I'll be lucky to get a C. I get up, come to school half hour early (because Long said we might want extra time to take the test) I'm coming across the parking lot and Bonn is like "do you have your parking permit?" in his stupid voice "because we're going to start towing people today!" and I was like "I don't have time for this" but I got the papers anyways and (politely) asked the office ladies for the paper and how long it would take. they were like "how about a please?" (you stupid kid) and I try to fill it out as fast as I can and realize it will take way longer than a minute, so I drop it and run to calc where... we have a sub. that idiot Long is sick AGAIN (wah, wah, wah, bitch, I don't miss school unless I'm puking my guts out) she's sick all the fucking time and none of her subs ever know shit. so I try to figure out the problem, no one knows how to do it, I think about just leaving ( the bell hasn't rung yet) but I'm an idiot so I just ask for the test. I finish the first page before class even starts, and I go as fast as I can on the rest, but what a surprise, the bell rings and I still have four unfinished problems. (Long always has ridiculously

and then this fucking computer dies.

ridiculously long tests always
long makes up stupid excuse about tardy policy
even shorter day (bc of stupid assembly)
got there as early as possible
still didn't finish it
remembered final last year, when these people kept coming in and asking "MRS. LONG, DID YOU GRADE OUR TESTS YET?!" and being really noisy and I want to scream "YOU TOOK THAT TEST THIS MORNING YOU STUPID WHORES! GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES AND GET THE FUCK OUT!"
gave up, let the sub have my test
try not to let mascara run
wonder how to find out which administrator came up with tardy policy and dress code so I can smash their fucking faces in

30 seconds to mars

I finally decided to drop biology today. I should have been taking physics this whole time.... I'll be so far behind everyone else... retake the SAT, so many things, everything is moving too fast.

whining

I. am. so. embarrassed. why? whyyyy????? why did I do this to myself?!
can I just forget all about it now? (no, of course not, it will haunt me for weeks)

I haven't been running. I ate so many cookies today...

dear druggie kids: fuck you. you're the reason no one will take me seriously.
R: what are you doing? get over yourself and quit being a such a problem.
J: same as above.

I want to join the air force, to fly fighter jets. I'm already planning on doing it, and then reality reminds me that I will probably never get there. but I can't bring myself to say it won't happen. even though it probably won't. why couldn't I at least have good eyesight?

ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!

so I read this book, the other day; it involved a religious cult. it explained all their brainwashing techniques, and there were some striking similarities to what we do in youth group and other church activities. I thought this was funny (as in amusing) so I was telling dad about it and mom says (jokingly) to C something about how I "neeever have any opinions!" and when I look at her she says something about how I'm "so cynical". and so I say "what? I should just be stupid and happy?" because that's what you keep telling me. don't ask questions or think for yourself; just be stupid and happy. to me, my supposed "cynicism" seems more like "reason" and "common sense" or my favorite, "logic" (logic basically kills everything I dislike. too bad those things never really die...).

I've got that song stuck in my head, because C made me watch the runaways last night. I was like "I don't wanna get the runaways, it'll just be like "our lives suck, we're doing drugs, we're doing drugs, our lives suck" and then it's going to end badly for them because those stories always do." and mom was like "you haven't even seen it" and C was like "la lala la I think it looked cool and grown up! la lalala la..." (well this was her thoughts, but) and then we watched it, and lo and behold: DRUGS! OUR LIVES SUCK! THIS IS DEPRESSING AND CREEPY! and somehow C is surprised (stupid. I don't care that English isn't her first language, you can tell she's a bit of a bubblehead.). I'm rolling my eyes, but I enjoyed the whole "first all-girl rockband" thing (old man: girls don't play electric guitar. guitar girl: oh yeah? watch me, you stupid fuck.(well it wasn't quite like that, but that was sort of the feel of it) and then she proceeds to wear an awesome jacket and be a really famous musician). and I am also thinking "whoa, the 70's really sucked" because you have the 50's=really sucky, then the 60's=new feminist movement!, then the 70's=ehh, women are legally equal now, it doesn't matter (except women were STILL NOT REMOTELY EQUAL and nobody cares) I say this to mom, and she says " I had a great time in the 70's! (when she was a teenager)" and then gives me the "you're so cynical/judgmental speech" and then I say "well mom, did you ever make any attempt to step outside your given boundaries?" and she has to say no. this shuts her down pretty quick.

I hate that I can't be girly and respected at the same time. just because I love bows and pastel colors and baby animals and fairytales does not mean that I am silly and stupid. caring about my appearance and singing does not make me a weakling. just because I don't run around bashing people's faces in some sport and I am not aggressive in conversations doesn't mean I can't kick your ass if I need to.

I don't know

hello daddy, hello mom, I'm your ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!
hello world, I'm your WILD girl, I'm your ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!

I am so tired of being laughed at. so. fucking. tired. you say sexism isn't a problem anymore, I say bullshit. I can't count the number of times I've been told I can't do something because I'm just a silly girl. what makes you think you have the slightest clue about who I am, what I can do, or what I will do to get what I want? because you really have no idea. and just because I am female does not mean that I am weak, silly or stupid. it does mean that even now, in the 21st century, I'm realizing that I'm always going to have to work twice as hard to prove myself. and I'm really tired of you fuckers telling me it's easy.