I refuse to just "accept" men's poor behavior. fix it or get out, I am not here to be your teacher/mother/therapist and you shouldn't try to make me.

I just want someone who is sweet, kind, gentle, respectful, intelligent and sensitive yet humorous, empathetic, thoughtful, relaxed and relatively secure in themselves, yet aware of their faults, and is willing to actively create a deeply intimate and trusting relationship.

Apparently, this is asking for too much. The funny thing is, this is me.  All I'm asking is someone who will be my equal, and who puts in as much as I do instead of just asking and taking from me. My well of emotional energy is  not boundless and it is exhausting to be treated like it is- reciprocity, equality, that's all I'm asking for.

"It’s just that men feeling attacked and their actually being attacked are frequently very different things. In my experience the most gentle and tentative approach to pointing out shitty behaviour is seen and treated as an attack."

I remember, being afraid to talk to him about anything really because he was always on the defensive. always took everything as an attack, no matter how quiet and nice I was about it...  felt I was constantly tiptoeing about and twisting myself into pretzels to avoid hurting his feelings... and then when I expressed this he got upset and said "it isn't supposed to be that way"

he was upset, basically, that we were interacting in this way. He wanted me to be comfortable and supported, and was aware of his poor behavior, and even apologized for specific instances, but it was difficult to change...

but he wanted to. could he have done it, if I had given him the chance? 

god I just hate men sometimes
that sick wave of fear that washes over me when I see a group, hear raised voices, the fact that I have to look away, walk around...

Edit:
don't remember the incident that led me to write this, but foreign men continue to remind me that they are worthless menaces to modern society. I know that nordic men can be dumb fucks too, but dear god nothing is worse than some shit for brains american who thinks he's better than me for no reason at all, he's been brought up that way, and is far too stupid to consider that any other ideas exist...

if I am to engage in a romantic/intimate relationship with a man it will be entirely on my own terms. I will not modify my behavior in any way and he must not make me feel like I should.

• he must be a feminist (NOT liberal feminism, no porn, no fetishes of degradation) 
• he must be able to communicate effectively and maturely 
• I am very straight forward and honest with my opinions and emotions; he must not take this as a personal attack 
• sex must be entirely reciprocal-he must never pressure me in any way 
• he must have his own life, be able to think and plan as I do, solve his own problems and have sense of security in himself, I will not be a caretaker/therapist. However, this is is not "free pass" to be flaky, emotionally stunted, and non-monogamous, as I will not tolerate any of these

this horrible boredom that overcomes me- I try so hard to never be idle so I don't get sucked under again but it's like the depression pulls the interest out of everything and then everything is boring no matter what I do- everything is pointless but  I don't even care

yeah, I was happier with him around. coming home after being out with friends, a bit sad and after a cold walk curling into warm, welcoming arms and smile...
why did I ruin it again? I can't remember

can't remember why I did it, but there's no going back now I've ruined everything. why didn't I just fucking wait?

I am so sad I miss him so much more than I thought I would
I still THINK I made the right decision but it's fucking painful

it hurts it hurts it hurts
not sure what I've done

trying not to throw up
focusing on calling melissanthi later and maybe my mom too
going to listen to nice music, hayley westenra and that cello piece from master&commander...

my heart is beating so fast (all day) and I can't stop shaking I feel like I might pass out this whole day has felt like one long disconnected dream I am so afraid