fuck I'm falling apart I'm fucking losing it

I'm so desperately bored I feel nothing I don't care about anything I'm sinking into it again I
I want to go home and hug my parents and my dog
or even just back to my old school to hug my old roomates
sigh

1. idek what to do about that. but they're making me sad
2. why am I so awful. I need to be a better friend I am so sorry
3. why do I still feel sick
4. why am I so fucking tired
5. I am terrified that this isn't going to work out
6. I don't even care anymore
I don't care about anything
I am so fucking boring
who the fuck am I what happened

I don't even know, I have no feelings about anything right now.

I am going to jump out of the fucking window

I am so uncomfortable right now I don't know what to do
I haven't talked to her in a while, what is going on?
I think I might be starting to like this boy, a bit, but now I never get to see him, why does this all feel so strange and seem so drastic right now

since when did I become one of those stupid girls who wait around for a guy to make things interesting
I have other things to do but there isn't anything I have to do
this is so pathetic

ok so tomorrow I'm going to get things done
plan out some things to cook and bake
get my reading done
do swedish homework
work on study abroad applications
send emails to mom
catch up on TV shows
do some fun reading
go running in the evening
take good care of myself (drink lots of water!)

but I CAN'T go back. I cannot be there for another year and a half. I can't

jesus fucking christ I can't do ANYTHING
I am so fucking pathetic

the deadline passed a week ago I am going to kill myself

this is so uncomfortable what did I do wrong

I feel horrible, why