I am so BORED
fuck I hate myself, yay way to start the new year

why can't I make myself do anything, panicking
so terrified I'm going to get fat
I need to take better care of my teeth and skin
my skin is fucking horrible, so dry what to do?
they're going to destroy my poor hair at the salon today fuck

I am not unique in any way. I am certainly not perfect and it is almost irritating when he says that. I am struck again by a desire to do something. Something significant, to define myself, something concrete, substantial, unquestionable. I think about this:  part of the reason I wanted to join the military was to go to war. To come back, no matter what happened, and have something, a certain respect, fear? disgust even? (for something other than the basic fault of being a girl) that no one could question.I've (maybe, you don't know) killed someone (in a morally, politically sanctioned way of course). I have power over you because I have experiences you do not, experiences that are defined clearly in our society as honorable. how will you dismiss me now?

I can't explain it, this unrelenting desire to break free, to be alone, to do everything by myself. It's not that I don't like him; I do, but I still feel that he will never understand me (none of them will), and I am tired of being pulled out of my world because I'm afraid of being laughed at. I just can't comprehend, how people relax into a relationship. I am always deconstructing: what is happening? is this what I want or am I being weak? how can I be a feminist and be myself when I am constantly editing my behavior? I am tired of trying not to hurt feelings. I am tired of letting something slip and then having to comfort him, tired of the inevitable conversation that reveals that for all his good intentions he does. not. understand. and reminds me that I am tiny and insignificant and weakly pushing against something that doesn't even know I'm there and thinks my beliefs are crazy. They will never understand because they don't have to, and I am so tired of  it all already. I am lucky enough to be one that doesn't feel the need to have a partner; I am just as fine without one. In fact, I feel that being alone is more normal and comfortable to me. so why don't I break it off? I don't really know. Why should I? I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, I never have any sort of intense feelings for anyone. I don't miss people either..
I'm hoping/praying to everything that I get into the masters program or I get the job. please I just want one of them... all I really want is to live in my own little apartment and live my own life, and start paying my parents back a bit...