Sernandersväg 7 - 542 752 61 Uppsala (Flogsta)

why am I so upset about this (there's nothing I can do)
why am I panicking now what will I do when I get there
why am I so ugly and awkward
ugly, stupid, annoying child
I'd rather disappear

yeah, I definitely need to lose weight
I need to stop wavering on it and just DO IT

I want to:
be able to do the splits, handstand, apply makeup well, dance, and snowboard
I'm too old, fuck

I feel so shaky and sick all of the time my skin just keeps getting worse
so gross

I'm fucking disgusting and I just get worse looking every day, it's really no surprise that no one has shown any interest in me

sad, again
sigh. winter sunlight does that even here, I guess

this weekend has given me a lot to think about
I need someone that I can talk to about everything, someone older/wiser
who?
not my mother (but I need to talk to her when I get home- what does she want?)
I still don't really have anyone to talk to- not my friends
I feel very anxious

I've decided...
I want to keep a journal in writing while I'm away. something I can draw all over and paste pictures and collages, stickers, etc., note music,  as well as write in (with cool pens of course) so over break I'll look for the perfect notebooks... it'll give me something to do, much better that going on the computer.
I need to fix up my wardrobe,  etc. when I get home, that's the main thing
make sure I get there a couple days early too
there are still some things I need to finish up here, the last couple assignments, studying for finals, moving out, getting the last bits of paperwork in. everything feels so disorganized, I would like to just be DONE with everything but I don't think that's happening.

I have spots everywhere I feel sick why can't I just stop eating

reading back through this blog, a little surprised how well things have worked out.
i would be ok now, except  I lost my keys and don't have a ride to the airport this weekend which is causing me irrational amounts of anxiety.
why can't I just finish those papers, it's the last two assignments I have.
I can't wait to go home, clear my head, have a little restart

getting fatter every day, my skin sucks, hate myself so much

plain old sad
for no reason
again
(always)

lose weight lose weight lose weight lose weight
jag måste gå ner i vikt

I'm sad for no reason
I  feel really sleepy and sick, but it's ok because I've been getting stuff done

wait I'm actually getting really attached to these people... it would be so much easier to graduate earlier if I stayed.. should I stay?
FUCK it is way way WAY too late to be having these thoughts
I don't know what to do

edit: ok that's passed now, maybe. I just can't be excited for or look forward to anything, I just can't for some reason I think of all of the stuff I have to do

Things that are upsetting me right now:

1. this paper

2. the second paper

3. the other two papers I have to write (which are pointless busywork assignments but they have to be done in a VERY SPECIFIC WAY at a VERY SPECIFIC TIME) 

4. all of the other work I have to do 

5. my teeth 

6. my hair

7. my skin

8. I'M GETTING FAT (why can't I eat better) 

9. I STILL haven't received my official acceptance letter

10. do I have to wait for it? it seems like my visa application is way too late?

11. I still don't know how to write a decent paper

12. I have to turn in that bill

13. I cannot forget the doctor's appointment 

14. or the orientation day 

15. FINALS

16. I have to come up with a topic for my thesis like, now.

17. I have no idea how to do this also it has to be specifically related to my grad school program?

18. I will have to declare it/my major while I'm abroad?

19. dear god I need an adviser PLEASE I NEED MY SWEDISH PROF TO SAY YES

20. I also have to find an adviser like yesterday 

21. I am back to maybe graduating a year early

22. now I HAVE TO 

23. but WHAT IF the credits don't transfer properly? I have no way of telling ahead of time 

24. finding a place to live 

25. "residential credits?"

26. I still haven't had a job (dear god how could I possibly have a job right now) 

27. so much money I want to kill myself 

28. guilt over leaving my parents

29. I will never make friends

30. I will never have a boyfriend

31. I have no clue what to do with myself after school

32. I'm disgusting and I hate myself 

33. I'm going to fail 

34. I'm a horrible friend 

35. guilt 

sometimes I just can't believe how repulsive I am.
how do I get out of this
I just want to fucking rip my face off

I talked to mom about my plans yesterday (for going abroad and grad school) , and... she was very approving. I was so surprised. She also said she was so impressed with how frugal I've been.
I have done extremely well on exams this year, and one of my essays was chosen as the best in class and posted online.
I managed to get the absentee ballot figured out, and I'm finally making progress on my visa application. My credits will (99% sure) work out, I can graduate when I want to.
I'm listening to regina spektor and remembering that day I saw her in Sweden, listening to Marina and the diamonds and being nostalgic for last year.
I spent all morning out walking, I discovered a neighborhood full of lovely houses with little gardens and lots of stone paths up in the hills, if it's not raining tomorrow I'm going to go up there again and wander. (wandering outside is so much better than spending my time procrastinating online)
these things make me happy I guess

my time on Gotland still holds some of my favorite memories. That day eating candies from a striped paper bag while wandering around Visby, and then sitting and drinking tea with Marie was just one of my favorite days ever. I listened to whatever they picked, so now I play adele or one direction to feel really nostalgic for Sweden. I was unabashedly being myself without thinking about it, without having thought about it for weeks, because there was no pressure to be a certain way? I really wonder if I'll feel the same when I go back.
I will go visit Jung Hee before I go to grad school.

I need to fly. I have to get my pilot's license, it's the only thing I really want in life.

I will lose weight.
I need to get everything in order again.

note to self: he doesn't think about you at all. he has a girlfriend, he's forgotten you even exist. stop thinking about him, you are creepy and stupid.

It makes me sad to watch them, the way she touches his hair and says hello, and he always smiles a little shyly as if he's still surprised she's talking to him. I lay there on the gym floor, thinking
 I'm going to stop eating, so I will become thinner, prettier, and a boy like that will love me. 
I know this is not true, but subconsciously I think (hope) it will work. I lay there on the floor and think
there will never, ever be anyone for me 
It seems as if I can almost see my life swelling before me, lonely, empty. I imagine someone smiling at me in that sweet way and tears well up. I remind myself that I don't need anyone else, but for some reason late in the evening I always feel soft and weak and sad. And I want, I want desperately but I can't say why. I don't know if it's me that wants or if it's what I've been told I should need.

They say it doesn't matter. There are so many people dedicated to telling the world "it doesn't matter how you look! it's whats on the inside that counts!" But the problem is, it does matter. Maybe someday it won't but it does now. Also, what if there isn't anything inside? I have to be prettier to make up for my lack of personality. But then I hate myself for buying into this scheme. Why should I have to be pretty? Why do I need another person to care about me? I shouldn't, I don't owe it to anyone! I don't, I do just fine on my own! but I am so disgusted with my body and with who I am, I cannot separate them. and I care about people so much, and I want to be loved by someone, so badly...  and I am pathetic for thinking this way.