all of the reading I've been doing the past couple days, about the iraq war, feminism, and militarization has been so exciting. its also a little sad that I finally found something fascinating that I would actually want to maybe write about and I'll never really get to study it formally.

been a bit miserable for the past couple days, trying to get my motivation back. It would be really nice if my boyfriend wasn't so sick, if we could go do stuff even if it was just to go sit in a cafe and study together. I'm still very unsure about this whole thing, I just like being alone and untied so so much. I don't want to be connected to another person, I want to have absolute independence and freedom to do anything I can think of. walking into town today, listening to music, I was thinking of it, being alone again. I started thinking of all of the times I've done anything with aircraft and how people always seem to say that I have a natural talent for it. I STILL want to fly, still, and I'm wondering if I really can do it all... I'd work here for a while (craft, network, build my resume), get my pilot's licence and then go fly helicopters in iceland or new zealand. how does one go about getting a job to scout for movie locations anyways? There are so many things I want to do/ways I want to live: in a small town by the mountains or the ocean where I can go hiking all of the time (or raise children close to nature), in a big city where I can have a respected career/exciting job/have my own shop, in a middle sized city like uppsala where I can do things comfortably at my own pace (I think I'll start here anyways), or on the move, living in sweden for a while and then new zealand or iceland, flying helicopters and doing art/other odd jobs... but I really need to work on staying in contact with people? I want that comforting network of all of the bushue relatives but if I can't have that then I'm fine with not much at all. I really think that sometimes all of my worries about social stuff are created by other people. if I'm being honest with myself, I don't want/need to be social a lot of the time. I have a few good friends and that's good enough for me, although I do like the feeling of knowing people around me in general, which is not really a possibility if I'm moving around all of the time... I need to start that swedish learning blog I think.