I forgot. I forgot about the dance, and everybody went, it seems. No one thought to call me. I'd like to be included, for once in my life. Not just invited but wanted. I want people who will miss me when I'm not there, and notice me when I am. I keep telling myself that it will happen sometime, but I know that's probably a lie. Why am I so invisible to people?

I've got to lose some weight. my legs are gross, and my stomach isn't perfectly flat anymore. I haven't ever lost weight, I just gained as I grew up. I was in such good shape from horseback riding, and I took it for granted. I want to lose 6 pounds (so I'll always be 130 or under). I don't think I would look too great if I lost 10... I would probably have no boobs at all. I want twig legs, but I don't want those scary looking arms... is there a way I can move some fat from my thighs to my chest? I wish...

why haven't there been any student protests here? it costs far more to go to school here in the US, but no one seems to care. I'm so angry, about so many things. I want to run and scream and smash things...that's why peaceful protests become violent I suppose.

the protesters in Egypt: I admire them. they are angry and they are doing something about it.

all the apologizing, we're terrible, worthless...because I think I am a beautiful thing, amazing, wonderful, and I think the world is a beautiful, amazing, wonderful place and living things in general are wonderful and there shouldn't be all these rules about this and that, it doesn't matter

I have no higher calling, I am living to be myself and enjoy being alive, there shouldn't be any rules about who you can love or what is proper behavior; my purpose as a woman is not to take care of my husband, nor to bear children, there should be no "purpose as a woman", purpose as anything, my purpose is to be my own person

bottom line is: fuck you and your religion.

Ah! I was so happy! I went to the gym, saw some cute guys, packed a delicious lunch, and danced around the kitchen a bunch. I was going to spend a couple minutes on tumblr, and

putting down ORGANIZATIONS vs. people
religion is a CHOICE. sexuality/gender what have you are NOT. no one should be persecuted on the basis of their religion, but other people can judge them based on what they CHOOSE to believe and say.

why why why It's 3am and I'm still awake, I have so much to do, ugh. I need to work out more, lose weight. I haven't been exercising, and I ate all this junk at the movies today.... people tell me that I have such a good body all the time, my friends are jealous (not in a mean way) but I hate it. my entire lower half is disproportionately large. I want to be thin. I don't care, I want to have twig legs. but I also don't want to be flat chested. and I also want to eat jelly beans. I'm so hungry all the time. like something is twisting my insides, making me feel hollow and dizzy sort of hunger. why? I think I eat way too much, but I'm always, always hungry.

I want to run and scream and hurt people. I want to shake the world, make them take me seriously, make them listen and pay attention to me. I want to be crazy, I want to climb that mountain, swim across that lake, travel the world alone, fly that helicopter, fly fighter jets, go faster than sound. I want to wear what I want, go where I want, and say exactly what I think, and not care about offending people. you're fucking stupid! thats the bottom line! let go of me! they don't care about offending me, they don't care about me at all. they ignore me and laugh at me and always make me feel less and I want them to die for it. even now, I feel like there are all these walls and rules and restrictions preventing me from doing what I want. I want to do everything, I want to know everything. I want to always, always ask questions. and I want real answers, not the bullshit they feed you. so I'm a "sensitive" liberal, right? yeah, thinking equality is important and actually, you know, giving at fuck about other people does not make me "sensitive". I like things like logic and reason, but you know, I hate religious people. I just have the decency not to show it: in reality, I'm an insensitive, intolerant asshole, I just happen to be a little smarter than you (and therefore aware of my faults), so get the fuck over yourselves.

Dear Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: FUCK. YOU.

"christian" or "ordinary christian" are not "political views". are you people just stupid, or what? oh wait, I just answered my own question.

Your "political views" should also not read something like this: "Please. WE dont need them, we should love everyone and not put us all in catagories." wow. how about you get the fuck over yourself and be aware of the real world. (ps: there are a lot of people whose "political opinions" directly oppose this, so you aren't exactly being neutral)

history paper
switch SAT II
study for SAT II
finish Rensselaer app
SAT scores to rensselaer?
finish other college apps
AP/IB tests
work out more
prom dress?
why oh why oh why did I not go on the music trip?!?!?