this place and these people have been amazing 

and then: I thought I was done making these kind of decisions 

I feel sick and I can't talk to anyone about it 

quiet afternoon- everyone else is napping. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm already dreading having to leave and I've only been here a few days. I'm wavering between "I'll never be able to learn the language" and "I WILL learn this language" idk idk

I am failing at everything. I have no friends, no life, no direction, I'm just stuck here fat and useless and stupid. why can't I just be better.

I feel completely different again, and not in a good way.

aaannnnddd I am miserable once again, in a new and different grosser way I am disgusting

I feel
like
I've ruined fucking everything again
I
had
the
chance
and I did not take it what the fuck is wrong with me

I feel like I am always looking for the next thing. I'm always so miserable, planning what I'm going to do next is my only escape. the weird thing is, I'm fully aware that I'll be miserable wherever I end up, too. I don't really imagine it being any different. what happens when I don't have anything to look forward to?

I just want to cry I can't
I've had so many opportunities to change drastically, to actually do something make something of myself
instead here I am; fat, ugly, stupid, and going nowhere fast, just sitting around wasting resources and my parents' money for a pointless education that will never get me anything in a boring little place where all anyone ever does is drink, like there's nothing more to life and I just want to be done with all of this because I am so fucking sick of it but I know I know that there is nothing better waiting for me on the other side

I want out I want out I want out why do I always fucking ruin everything for myself

I just want out
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in small boring towns with no purpose, drive, goal... I still feel like I'm giving up but it is too late now.

ok so all my emotions have died again.  I am making decisions about the rest of my life and all of a sudden I just don't care. the only thing I can definitively say about this year is that I gained weight.

oh god I feel sick
what if I made the wrong decsion? does this mean I've made the wrong decision?
I feel almost like I'm giving up, taking the easy route... I need to go away and do something big and challenging and independent and I keep choosing what I think other people want me to do. besides, my dreams just seem like dreams. like they're too improbable, it's almost impossible, I knew it was never actually going to happen even though I thought for a time that I could pick that I just didn't fully see it... what if I just always want what I can't have? why does my outlook change so quickly and drastically?  I'm so attached to these previous versions of myself... and now my plans have come completely full circle, I can't even remember how this whole mess started, and I feel like I'm just settling. for the mundane, the minimally achievable because it's all I'm capable of.

ugh this is nEVER going to work help

I feel... tentative. if I start planning and hoping will I just fall off again?

hummm, I was rather attached to the Iceland idea. I'm maybe a bit disappointed that I don't have an excuse to throw this all away... not that I ever did? what is wrong with me, I cannot see things the same way I did a day and a half ago, like a complete half switch.... it seems impossible now but why? what changed? can I still...?
another option might be possible, not sure how much yet. it could all fall apart quite easily. I'm beginning to integrate these new ideas into my imagination, but now I'm so attached to the sad and desperate last ditch plans I had and the imaginary world I created from them... it seems quite romantic now.

ok so some new options have opened up but this could all fall apart very quickly at a time when I can't change my mind and I have about 2 days to make a decision aaahhh
to do:
-figure out budgets for both places
-figure out transfer credits
-talk to parents
(on top of the 14739287349827349 other things I have to get done in the next couple of days fuck I have 5 finals and I have to move out and then travel to another country all at the same time help)

so yesterday was ok for some reason, and I feel alright again today. I can't think about any of my plans I don't want to go back to being miserable. (I hope I hope I hope this lasts)

ugh I wish swedish universities were still free. I don't really want to start learning a whole new language. besides, I've realized that I actually really like swedish...

so
there was this music I was waiting to buy/listen to more 'till the end of the year (it was going to be my summer playlist- the soundtrack to traveling, sweden) - I just loved it, identified w/ it etc. (all the stupid stuff I've never thought about music before)- it seems silly and superficial now, but I'm going to listen to it to see if I can remember how I thought/felt then. it was not that long ago how come I can't imagine that I ever have or ever will feel any different than I do now, what is wrong with me
I've lost all my self confidence and stopped caring entirely.

I cannot shake this off. I can't think straight

annnnndd yet another day spent in a brainless miserable stupor 
fuck I feel so guilty 
my head hurts 

"well, you think college is boring and you're tired of school, but working is even worse and more boring!"
so, you're saying I should just kill myself now and save myself the trouble later, ok thx

I'm so stressed out
I don't know how (if I decide to leave) tell them I won't be living with them next year. it's such a terrible thing for me to do, and I certainly don't blame them if they aren't my friends anymore. I know they won't be, we aren't close enough now, we'll never stay in contact over this much distance and time.
I feel like there is some sort of divide between me and other people.I can never really connect with anyone, and  I don't have a genius level intellect as an excuse...
even though I care about these people a lot, not hurting someone's feelings is no reason for me to abandon all of the other possibilities and continuing to pay tons of money to go here. now is not the time to play it safe?
but maybe if I stayed and was taking classes I liked it would get better
maybe if I wasn't so depressed I wouldn't be trying to get away all the time- maybe I would actually be happier here
I feel like I can't remember, I don't know how I feel my judgement is clouded... once I spend the summer alone without these people I will probably forget about them and not care about having friends. or maybe I will miss being around people so much that I'll come running back here. I don't know
everything looks different when I'm not depressed
could I actually do it?

I will always be alone. there is no reason for me to sacrifice the possibility of fulfillment in other pursuits for possible personal relationships.

I feel like I'm following a script for someone else's life. the problem is, I don't know what my script should look like. I don't really know what sort of thing would suit me better, don't really know who I am.
I think "finding yourself" is complete and utter bullshit. same with "this experience etc. will change you". you can't "find" or "change" yourself. I am what I am, I just can't define it completely, which makes it difficult for me to describe myself or know what I want to do.

It's my birthday tomorrow, I forgot. I only remembered because my roommate asked me.
I feel like all of the color and excitement has leeched out of my life like I'm going brain dead or something. what is wrong with me, I am so sad
I need a challenge, something to work towards

I just want to cry and cry and cry
I hate going on facebook it just reminds me that I have no friends. everyone is talking about being done, they can't wait to see each other, going hiking, etc etc.
I want to go home I want to see my beautiful home in the summer