I feel like I'm an annoyance to you. you are always "too tired"- to talk, to fuck, to pay attention to me. I always, ALWAYS initiate, sometimes just because if I don't then I wonder if we would ever have sex? and what, having sex in a bed is boring? are you fucking kidding me? I want to do so much more but you don't really respond... then you have the fucking nerve to say "we'll see" when I don't want to have sex anywhere remotely public, you have no fucking clue what I do/don't like. "it doesn't turn me on" does not translate to "I'm a prude who never tries anything!"- so condescending.  you make me feel pathetic, like I'm trying too hard to get your attention and it just doesn't work. would you even like me as much if I wasn't so skinny? And the worst part is I can't say anything about any of this, because you'll get SO angry with me, like I think/say these things just to be mean to you and punish you... because you're always the victim and if we argue its my fault.  

remember that time when I was sitting on your lap and we were listening to some of your music and you laughed and said "you don't really care"? yeah, well maybe I would have if I hadn't already been waiting and waiting for you to come to bed, was sitting in your lap nearly naked, and you still were too busy doing stupid shit on your computer to even kiss me...

what do I want
I don't know what I want but I always want to get to the best next step because just maybe I'll be ok then
I want to create, not consume. build and learn...

tentatively feeling hopeful again
I can't really relax until I get there though