I just want to get this job so I can come back here and stay here, and be doing something I enjoy, and be living in one place for more than 6 months so I can settle in and buy curtains and cooking/baking stuff and some furniture and have lots of craft supplies and a pet and do nail art and have people over for coffee and dumb shit like that
I just wanna take a break from the OMG WHAT NEXT GOALS stuff for a while (and if this works out, which I'm praying to every possible entity that it will bc it would completely make my life, I will come out of my "break from the ratrace/ world" with nice job experience and fluency in a second language)
of course there are like 2384927 things I need to do before I get there
sigh
don't jinx it!!

so I sat across from him at the gasque, and didn't think much of it except he looked good in that suit with his long hair (then he wrote that note to me that I didn't really get until later. I thought I wasn't his type, so I didn't think about it at all) he brushed my arm as he said  goodbye,  and I walked home alone, excited for all of the new possibilities in  life
then he asked me to coffee, but we ended up meeting at an awkward time and so we just wandered around for a while before going to the pub, we talked and talked and wandered some more and I was sorry to say goodbye
and then he came over and we watched all of the lord of the rings movies and I invited him to stay
then he really wanted to meet me again so we went to lunch and then went shopping
and then we watched the hobbit, and didn't really watch it at all we just kissed and talked instead
I don't know what all of this is, I just keep thinking that I want to remember all of those little moments and I feel really funny and sigh-y
like my heart aches a bit when I think of him and I'm so so happy
what is happening to me

I have no idea how to feel about any of this but I don't feel bad anymore, so that's a start.

omfg why is he not talking to me what did I do?

really fucking upset that the stuff I tried to cook didn't work out I'll probably have to throw it away fuck
how are they all bffs already?? except I don't really want to be friends with them anyways so...
why don't I have more friends why don't people like meeeee
goddamn I really hope I get this job I don't want to jinx it by talking too much
why can't I sleep anymore

things I'm holding on to:
1. pitea boy liked my facebook picture. also he said I was pretty.
2. L said something along the lines of "I loooove her she is the cutest person ever!" about me
3. two of D's friends (who I could sort of maybe be friends with eventually?) think I am great and said so to pitea boy.

ALSO I SORT OF GOT A JOB OFFER TODAY OMG WHAT THE FUCK THINGS ARE HAPPENING AND GOING RIGHT IN MY LIFE

why does her friend have to live so far away? if I do come back I will meet him. I just want someone quiet and polite who can be my best friend and travel to iceland and st. petersburg and other cold beautiful places with me.

I'm going to download a bunch of my favorite movies and sign up to work at the cafe and I'll be super outgoing in my classes and I'll try to be friends with these people and I'll ask J and L for coffee and I'll PLAN like an adult, to come back, get things done

I've been feeling ok, sleeping ok lately, but I've been having fucking terrible dreams
one night it was something creepy with an old man chopping up children and horses with teeth in the water
last night it was zombies and my parents believing I was crazy and locking me up