I'm kind of annoyed with myself. I don't understand why I have these feelings for J. we don't have a lot in common, we don't agree on much, this wouldn't work long term and we both know it. and yet, we still want to be together. he'll only be gone a month and I already feel like missing him. he held me so tight for so long today, kept hugging me with reddish eyes and sniffing. I just want to hold him forever even though he pisses me off.

fuck I just want to die sometimes. I am so behind, this is so fucking hopeless. there's a list miles long of all the things I should have done if I wanted to get a job, I haven't, and now it's too late. what the fuck do I do? can't focus, can't make myself do anything, no point anyway bc I'm years behind and will never catch up. what do I have to look forward to? killing myself when the crushing boredom brought on by a total failure of a life catches up w/ me?

I realize that I have been extremely lucky. I do! but I am so fucking lazy and stupid that I have completely wasted the numerous amazing opportunities I've been given, and now I have nothing going for me, nothing to look forward to/work towards, and NO idea what the fuck to do. I haven't even had any fun these past few years, not even good memories to hold on to... like I want to do something, I want to move forward, I want to DO SOMETHING and work and develop but I have no idea what to do, no idea how to figure it out, and no TIME to figure it out either so I feel completely trapped and so fucking guilty/embarrassed for being such a fucking failure and still not doing anything about it.

(I  just try not to think about the fact that I have no friends and apparently am socially retarded since it seems like no matter what I do I don't have a network and people have no interest in me. plus it's so fucking exhausting to try and maintain relationships... what is wrong with me... I could have the excuse of working on my art/being in a particular field but I don't even work on my art& it sucks bc I don't practice, plus I didn't pick a specific/interesting/relevant/valuable field either)

but

I've been working on this for YEARS. If I fail now I will honestly want to kill myself. just the idea of being such a fucking failure, with nothing but utter boredom and mediocracy  ahead. so I HAVE to do this but I STILL can't make myself do anything.

I'm so angry and I'm so tired of being dismissed and ignored and laughed at.

it's so hard not to hate myself
like I should have been: getting fluent in swedish, making friends (especially with those in my courses), making connections (especially with those involved in exchange/ international offices), volunteering, doing internships, being involved in the nations in some way, doing some extracurricular activities, learning some sort of marketable skill...
I haven't done any of that. just thinking about it makes me so. fucking. tired. I'm tired all the time, physically/mentally whatever... I'm never really hungry so I don't eat properly, I apparently suck at socializing because it's just so fucking EXHAUSTING. I work so damn hard and people are just, not interested. fucking humiliating. all these opportunities, wasted, and now all I'm doing is lying around doing nothing and I'm STILL tired all the time. I finished the master's degree, but so what? it doesn't get me shit.