I think I might go to UAF. I'd kind of feel like a pathetic failure if I did. I don't know what to do.

pros: if I went there I would major in petroleum engineering, so

• almost-guaranteed job when I graduate
• it would be a job that I didn't hate
• with an average starting salary of $60,000
• graduate with no debt
• could possibly get my pilot's licence too
• still be in alaska

cons:

• really cold and dark (I would probably get fat and super depressed from being shut inside all the time)
• feel like a failure
• still be in alaska
• see no new places, meet no new people
• possibly have less opportunity to travel

urgh. I have to finish that Tufts application...

mom: all this stuff about me not moving fast enough
me: I know I know I know terrible horrible I'm the worst ever
mom: OMG ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY YOU'RE TERRIBLE HORRIBLE THE WORST EVER
newsflash, mom: I already hate myself. I really don't need your help.
I'm really hurt that she didn't get me anything for christmas. she spent all this time picking out tons of stuff especially for C, and what did I get? nothing! some socks! (and a laptop. which I said I DIDNT WANT because I DONT FUCKING NEED ONE because there's one that works. now this thing is just leverage for all her guilt trips. I fucking HATE it when she buys me expensive things. this is why I always feel guilty whenever anyone does anything nice for me... I'll always have to pay for it some way later)
lets see, what did I get exactly? a pair of gloves, socks, a mini hair straightener (wtf? I don't need or want a flatiron. never asked for one, shown any interest, ect. I think I looked a little confused bc mom says, "well, it was a freebie when I bought C's"), a debit card to pay for gas with, a laptop (see above), and a necklace (in my stocking, and DAD was the one who got it for me. it was the best thing I got by a long shot). from C I got some lotion that she wanted, a three-sizes-too-big flannel shirt and a plain black hoodie with too short sleeves (they were from f21, which is really cheap, and I've never worn anything like either one. it's like she just grabbed some random things)
what did C get? all three seasons of chuck, the first season of glee, a bunch of stuff from sally beauty supply and a $25 gift card, two pairs of boots and two different necklaces from me (which I spent MY OWN MONEY on, mom GAVE her money for my gift. what the fuck! she spends at least $200 every WEEK I think she can spend a LITTLE bit on someone else), a pair of turquoise earrings (which mom spent months looking for), a pair of beaded earrings (which mom picked out for her), a very nice flat iron (she's ASIAN. her hair is already as STRAIGHT as hair can naturally be), and $200. (they bought C a computer for her birthday). she got a shitload of stuff from the other family (incl a new coach bag, stupid rich fuckers.) and a new kindle, and a $50 gift card...
it has nothing to do with how much money you spent. I just wanted something that you had actually picked out for ME, you know, something with a thought behind it. anything! some cheap earrings that you thought I might like! some pyjamas you thought I would wear! (no one can say I'm hard to shop for! I've always liked all the things you've bought me!) and then you give C $200 cash? what the fuck? and the way she pulled it out and counted it, and you just laughed (if I had done that, you would have fucking killed me) you know she's not going to save it for her trip. why are you running around giving her money all the time? she's irresponsible, immature, and she spends all her money on expensive clothing that she doesn't wear more than twice. she spends like crazy, and has no concept of saving or planning ahead. I have always been very careful with my money. you have never given me money like that. if you do, it comes with the "you will not spend this on anything but an EMERGENCY and you will pay it back" don't fucking lie. dont say "I never said that, allie". you didn't, but I assumed that from your behavior and guess what? I was always right! (why do I do that, you ask? why, its because I'm supposed to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING and be able to know exactly what you're thinking WITHOUT EVER ASKING)
what have I done now?



I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go. I hate myself. I don't do anything. I'm not good at anything. I'm not smart enough or talented enough or pretty enough to be worth anything. I just kind of sit here and take up space and use oxygen and feel myself getting older and uglier by the minute. it's pathetic.

shoot me now. I'll never get into those schools.

well, whine whine whine, blah blah blah, it doesn't reaaalllly matter what schoool you want to go to....why do you even waant to go to a good school? oh, I don't know. because I WANT TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE, SO I'M NOT JUST A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT USING UP OXYGEN.

so close and yet so far. I still have to finish writing those essays.
one for Rensselaer.
add to the common app one.
edit the common app one for Embry-Riddle.
the two supplements and the extra for Tufts...

I have to wait to send in my transcripts. This really bothers me.

I'm very sick but I looked lovely today. my hair is absolutely perfect for some reason. normally, I'm sad that I didn't look pretty for a more significant occasion, but I saw J when I was out today so that almost makes it worth it. (we didn't get to stop and chat, but he waved and said hello)

WHY THE FUCKING FUCK DO ALL SCHOOL WEBSITES USE OUTLOOK? IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. IT NEVER FUCKING WORKS. ITS A FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS FOR EVERY FUCKING PERSON WHO TRIES TO USE IT. THIS IS THE GODDAMNED TWENTY-FIRST-FUCKING CENTURY. GET THE FUCK WITH THE PROGRAM.

today, on the way to choir:
J: A, you look really cute today. (or did he say nice? I'm pretty sure he said cute. more than once. which, you know, is not really a guy word)
Me: aw, thank you.
J: actually, I've never seen you not look cute. just, you always look cute. you have so many nice clothes... yeah...(he says in his awkward, adorable way)
Me: oh thanks! I'm so flattered, haha. (I'm probably blushing now)
it was something like this. why can't I remember it exactly? I should have talked to J longer, but we had to go to our sections... and neither of us are really the type to wander around during choir...
but. compliments are awkward. but it was nice that something nice happened on such a sucky day.
I wasn't on the callback list. but that means I might have already been cast... I would really just like a little part, but I probably won't get a part at all, because there were so many people at tryouts! I'm so happy that Kc was on the callback list! and H and N too... I hope they all get parts. H and N will, of course, but my fingers are crossed for Kc.

to my mother:
you are not perfect, so don't act like you are.
I am not perfect, so don't expect me to be.
stop using every conversation we have as an opportunity to criticize me about something.
stop laughing at me, and stop making fun of me when you don't want to talk. it's just an excuse to belittle me so whatever I'm saying seems silly, or write it off as "look at my little baby being a teenager".
stop playing the "well, you're lucky I'm not like some other parents" card.
stop blaming me for everything.
stop always assuming the worst about people.
stop dismissing any emotion I have as me being tired or sick.
stop ignoring me. yes, I do those things too sometimes-- when I really don't care. (you telling me to do chores is not a conversation. I'm sorry, but I don't care that your coworker's acquaintance's mother's aunt is ill. I don't have the slightest clue who any of those people are)
stop treating me like I'm stupid.
I am never good enough-- nothing I do ever gets your approval. there is always something terribly wrong with me.
this is me, and you are just going to have to come to terms with that at some point. I will never be the bubbly cheerleader whom everybody knows and loves. I am awkward and a little shy. I cannot change my entire personality.
you are not an expert on how I act in social situations. I behave very differently when I'm not with you.
you say that you were trying to be a good listener. a good listener at least tries to act like they care. if I wanted your brand of "listening" I would be better off talking to a wall. you say "well, you attack me when I say something" why is that? because you say useless things like "you sound angry" or tell me things that indicate you think I am stupid. I am angry. you tell me I shouldn't be angry, and that I shouldn't express my opinions. perhaps I wouldn't be so angry if I wasn't constantly ignored and told to be quiet.
aren't teenagers supposed to be angry, irresponsible, disrespectful, and selfish? I think I should get a little more credit. you should be grateful for how polite, responsible, helpful, and well-behaved I am.
whenever I have a problem, you use it as an opportunity to tell me how irresponsible/ disrespectful/selfish/emotionally/socially retarded I am, and that absolutely everything bad in the world is completely my fault, and how you are worried about the rest of my life because of how terrible I am at X. believe it or not, I get tired of hearing this.

you should be happy that your child is aware of and cares about the outside world, instead of worrying about how their opinions affect their social life.

I think I am in love with J, just a tiny bit.
we were all at the valley hotel after the madrigal, and it was really late.
H: ...feminism is annoying sometimes.
Me: why would you say something like that?(or something like this) sexism still exists...ect
H: well, feminism is... blah blah blah
C: *insert christian guy stuff about how "men and women are different!" *
H: well, what if a woman wants to have 7 kids and stay at home?
Me: well then she should do that! it is her choice what she wants to do with her life. that's the whole point!
C: well, how are women still unequal? I mean, look at hilary clinton and sarah palin! ect.
*argument about women in politics, and how you can't use one example for everyone. plus bullshit about "maybe they just don't want to"*
Me: stuff about how women are still unequal, get paid less, ect.
J joins us, and C asks him what he thinks.
J: oh yeah, women get paid less than men...
Me: thank you!
J agreed with me, argued on my side, and even had a source for the " women get paid less than men" thing. later, he said he just didn't really like organized religion. and I said "oh my gosh, I think my eyes are turning into little hearts" and he was like "why?" and I said" because you're agreeing with me and that doesn't happen very often!" I kept talking about politics, even when H didn't want to. I hope I didn't look rude. I kind of tried to explain why. (I'm so embarrassed. so so embarrassed)
and then religion. he's the type who really wants to be religious, but he has "never had an experience with god" (hmm, I wonder why) and so he sort of stopped going, because he didn't believe....? later, H says "charity is good, but its whats at the core that matters." like "charity" is just one of those things that you should do, not very important. what is the core?.....worshiping this being? why? shouldn't the core be doing good for your fellow human beings? no, I don't volunteer because charity is a part of my religion. I do it because it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I like helping people, it's as simple as that. I don't need some religion to make me do it, just like I don't need religion to prevent me from killing and lying and stealing. or as a reason not to drink and do drugs.
later J said something about not telling his mom anything. about "stuff". and then he was like " oh no, that's probably pretty enticing, isn't it?" and I was like "haha, yeah, you probably shouldn't say things like that when you don't want to tell" and I was just going to leave it at that, but he said "well, you know, like girls and drugs and drinking and stuff" kc said "I tell my parents everything" I said "I don't tell them anything..." and then we had to leave and it was a little awkward.
why why why do all the cute guys who share my views have to drink/do drugs? it seems like you've got two choices: ultra religious conservative, no drugs. not super religious sorta liberal, drugs. I hate organized religion and I'm ultra liberal, that doesn't mean I run around being crazy. I have no grand moral objections to these things, I just don't see the point. and no, you cannot talk me into doing it.
then I wanted to talk to mom but I couldn't because she was too busy being mad at me for forgetting my phone.
I love my parents and they love me; I don't really feel the need to rebel against the rules, I don't hate adults. so this seems to make me less relatable.
but I am angry. I'm angry at the world for all this religion crap. and all the sexism, and the blind faith and stupidity. it's just, other people here don't think that way.
"well, what do we do? where do we go from here?" well, for starters, we don't go around pretending things don't exist. we don't say stupid things. and most of all, we don't just give up, because I'm pretty sure that will get absolutely nothing done, and will probably end up with us going backwards.

it starts with me arriving at N's house. her house is enormous and open, and it looks out over a lake. it is her birthday; she and J have been together for a while now. there is something (it looks like a small flying machine?) that is broken. I know I can fix it, so I take it down the hallway into a room. the room is filled with all sorts of things, small animals in jars, wheels and gears and strange contraptions, fancy pillows and old tapestries... I set about fixing the machine, and then I suddenly realize that I cannot remember what it looks like. so strange, because I think I was the one who made it in the first place. I have been here before, many times. there is a jar with a toad in it sitting on the windowsill. I look out at the lake, wondering how it could live there. J comes in. the room seems brighter while he is here. we talk for a while, about something I can't remember. someone makes a joke about him being alone with someone who he isn't with. we ignore them. neither of us would want to hurt N. he leaves, unable to help me reconstruct the machine. a girl is sent in. she is about my age, with dark hair and a pretty face. I ask if she can help me, and she is sulllen and unwilling. soon enough, we get into an argument. both of us are so angry and I don't understand why. she throws one of the jars at me, and I dodge it, hurling one back. it cracks open by her feet, the yellowish liquid pooling on the wooden floor. I hope desperately that neither of us is hit with one, but I reach for the jar with the toad in it and she begins to cry. she tells me it was her pet toad, and I set it down, explaining that I didn't kill it, it was whoever owns this room. I hug her and she cries on my shoulder for a while. I understand how it is to lose a pet. I like toads too, and I tell her the stories of my mom's pet toad. she smiles and wipes her eyes and we get back to work. we walk down to the other side of the room (it's more like an enormous study) in search of some pieces we need. the items in this side of the room are more sinister in nature: bones, skeletons, preserved body parts, a partially- dissected human head. there is a mound on the floor by the door. I look at it and realize that somehow I know it was boy from my school. the horrifically deformed skull hardly looks human anymore, except for the blank eyes staring from its sockets. the rest of the body looks as if the bones stretched and twisted, and the flesh melted off of them, blackened. it acted quickly on him. the girl puts the spine and the skull onto a tray, to dispose of them. "no wait!" I cry. I have seen the back of his head on the floor: he had two faces. we both shudder and she picks up the other half. "we have to take all of it" I say, thinking that the rest of the bones might be contagious as well. there seems to be far more matter than there should be for a person of his size. I help her load it up and carry it out to the hallway. I walk back down the hallway and see a painter in the process of putting a mural on the wall. he is painting a small seal. I look closer at the border and realize that it is made of bones which have grown up through the wall. I point to them wordlessly and he says "I know. they thought I wouldn't notice." I help him to pick the bones away from the wall, hoping I can dispose of them before someone else is infected. too late. I was not paying enough attention, having become overconfident in my abilities to deal with the disease and it's components. I feel a pinch and a tug as one of the spiked vertebrae cuts into my hand. I have an inch long cut on my index finger. it is deep, and as I stare at it, it is almost as if I can feel the poison beginning it's route through my veins. I am going to die. the painter looks at me, horrified, but I don't care. I stand up and run out into the room where all the people are, hoping to find them and speak with them before I collapse. the first person I find is F. he is talking to K and another boy. by this point, I feel as though my limbs are turning to jelly; I feel woozy and dizzy and I can't quite think straight. I take his face in my hands and say "F, may I kiss you?" he just stares at me. I smile and say "F, I am dying". I go to kiss him and he doesn't respond; he has a very confused look on his face. I laugh and simply hug him, pressing my face into his chest. he laughs too, and hugs me back, still confused. I say something about how I love him even in spite of his crazy religiousness, then run off to find some of the others. I see a girl. I know she is infected as well, although she is holding up far better than I. she stumbles only a little. she looks familiar, and in hindsight I realize that she might have been the girl that was helping me. she is one of the origins, that's why she's been able to preserve herself for so long. she got it directly from the lake. she is talking to J and Kc and some of my other friends; I see the black spikes on her fingers and I think I run to her. she attacks me and we stumble outside, struggling weakly, both of our bodies wracked with disease. she is angry that I deprived her of some of her prey. I can't let her continue to infect them, my friends and classmates, all oblivious to the threat. I push her out into the road and she falls there. a car is coming. the driver knows what she is, they will try to hit her. at the last moment, I pull her out of the way. the car comes back, and for some reason, I cannot bear to let this happen to her so I drag her back inside. her body is deteriorating rapidly now, and she simply lays there, face down on the rug, her hair spread out around her. she moans, and grasps at my ankles, but I am quicker, and I stumble out of reach. I go looking for J again, hoping to find him before I turn into one of them. I see him there, standing with all of my dearest friends. J turns and smiles at me, but before I reach them, I wake.

ugh. I don't know what to write about, but I feel like I have to write about something (other than blaaahh, I'm not pretty) but I've pretty much said everything. except for the depressing stuff like: I've started staying up super late again, I still have tons of homework to do, the math quiz will probably still be on monday, I understand even less of this stuff than I thought I did, I don't have the slightest fucking clue what I want to do, so I don't have the slightest fucking clue where I want to go, so I'm pretty much screwed, because I should have sent my applications in, like, yesterday instead of half-heartedly filling out five million of them and still having the essays to do, and it's already thanksgiving, they're supposed to be done before christmas break...
what do I do what do I do what do I do

I want to go somewhere warm, where I can go to the beach and wear a bikini and swim in the ocean. (but I don't want it to be too hot. or humid- my hair would be unbearable)
I want to go somewhere beautiful, like home.
I want to study aerospace engineering, or maybe civil engineering. do something important, get a good job, make lots of money.
I want to join the air force and fly fighter jets.
I want to get my pilot's license, and fly helicopters or small planes.
I want to travel, explore the world, and actually live other places instead of just visiting.
I want to travel alone. I want to travel with my friends.
I want to go to Russia, and Iceland, and Cuba, and India, and Peru, and a million other places.

I hate my hair. I hate not having any boobs. I hate how awkward and immature I am.

my mom says "you don't really think you're ugly, do you allie?"
and I say "well, no. but I'm not pretty either and therein lies the problem"
besides, you're my mother.

There's this boy, who I dreamt twice for sure.
The first was one of those odd colored dreams. I was by the sea, the cliffs, there were places to hide things in them. The boy was there, and his family: a few siblings and a grandmother I remember. I knew them already; I loved the boy. I was wearing my grandmother's ring, only it had small colored feathers attached to it. I left. I don't know why; only that it was extremely important. I only remember bits and pieces of the rest of the dream, but at the end, I came back to that same shore at sunset. I had been gone for a long time, but I was exactly the same. The boy and his family were gone. There were bones in the sand. I knew whose they were. I went over to the cliff and found a ring nearly identical to mine (I think the feathers were green and yellow). It wouldn't stay on any of my fingers so I put it on my thumb.
then I woke up, feeling rather sad.
The second dream begins with me in an elaborate gown, like they would wear in Elizabethan times. I am looking at a map of the united states. Different shades of orange blotches are spread across it. These colors represent different sects of the religion. I am the leader of the largest and most powerful sect, and therefore the queen of most of the continent. I have to meet with someone important, but I ignore that and walk out into the gardens. There is a spread of white and orange checkered tiles I walk across before I reach the edge and look over the city (I can't picture it clearly now, I've tried too hard to imagine it). There is a group of courtiers that have come into the garden with me. I can hear them talking and I ignore them. When I turn around, one of them smiles at me. a boy, very blond and snobbish looking. I don't know him. but then I realize that I recognize him from somewhere I can't quite remember. I meet with this boy again. he has changed: his skin is darker and his hair is dark and curly. but (as often happens in dreams) I am unsurprised. I know him now; it is the boy from the cliffs.
the rest of the dream switched to modern times; I think we were wandering around some ruins in the desert somewhere. it's a little hazy, but I was sorry to wake up.
Now that I think about it, the boys in my dreams often look like the boy from the cliffs, but I can't remember what his face looks like.
I read somewhere that we can only dream about faces that we've seen before.
I've never been one to believe that dreams are anything more than bits of imagination, but this makes me wonder if there's a boy like that who exists somewhere.

the snow in our yard is pink right now. it looks like the light is coming from the ground. its very strange, even though I know it's just the sunset. the air looks pink out the other window; it gives everything a strange, warm hue. there a so many beautiful sights I see, living here, but I forget them, of course. there's no real way to hold on to them.

oh, fuck you

"The negative effects of Reverse Discrimination on the white male in American society."

"The true effect of feminism on gender equality within America."

"The gay rights movement and its deterrent of males who are straight."

Really, N? I don't have the energy to write about the whole scholarship fiasco right now, but there were some real gems on facebook:

N is disgusted with the goal of feminism in this day and age. This original intent was just, but the goal has been overreached. Women now have more rights than men, and it's appauling.

first of all, what is appalling is her spelling of appalling. secondly, when asked in what situations, exactly, did women have more rights than men she answered "rape cases and custody battles". the first is blatantly false. if you want a good example of sexism and rape culture in modern society, you need look no further than a sexual harassment or rape case. secondly, custody is more often given to the woman because she is seen as the primary caretaker of the children (that's all women do, right? cook and clean and take care of kids? wait, I thought this was the 21st century) which is a product of..... sexism! which is what.... feminism aims to get rid of! wow! look at that! you just made my argument for me!

today-
"sexism doesn't exist anymore"
"oh, really?"
'Senate Republicans voted unanimously against legislation to close the pay gap between women and men. The Senate voted 58-41 against allowing debate on the Paycheck Fairness Act, which would help end discriminatory pay practices against women. It had already passed the House.'
FUUUUUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKS
seriously, what are your arguments for this?

It's a good thing I'm not ugly, otherwise I would have no friends at all

I just want someone to care about me, me in particular. more than they care about other people. no, I'm not talking about "true love" it could be anyone. no one likes me like that. I'm invited (most of the time) but more often than not, I'm simply forgotten about or ignored. none of these people will ever call me and want to get together, I always have to do it. it's been this way my entire life. is something wrong with me? I get tired of talking, only to be ignored, and feeling like I'm some petulant child begging for attention. eventually people say "you're so quiet, A" which confuses me, because I talk and laugh with people all the time, all day long; I guess they just don't notice. I want someone to actually look forward to seeing me, and would rather be with me than someone else. someone who tries to be my friend, to help me, instead of just accepting my friendship and support. I don't think K realizes how much I put up with. K, not everyone is going to laugh at your stupid jokes and complement your stupid poems and encourage you all the time and listen to your endless whiny rants and not laugh at you for being afraid of everything and not get angry at you for being childish and petty and not dump you when you take them completely for granted. I'm not one of those kids. I'm not clingy, I know when I'm not welcome. I don't pester people for gossip. no one likes the kid who's trying too hard, so I think to myself "well, that won't be hard to avoid (I'm not that outgoing). when people see me next to K (the very definition of clingy) they'll like me" instead, I just became invisible.
I'm never the lucky one either. M got the better spot today. she's the one who didn't even care! why is she vice president? she doesn't DO anything. I'm the one who does all the work. why couldn't I get the best thing just this once?
I'm applying to several different colleges. I have no idea what to do. i just can't seem to muster the energy or inspiration to write the essays. what am I going to do? I can't write those stupid essays in english or math either. I'm going to do horribly on the IB tests...
F doesn't even talk to us anymore. he's too busy basking in the attention from H and A. I don't understand! H is quiet and weird and awkward, yet everyone seems to be in love with her.

I feel sick. I hate knowing things I don't want to know. and I'm staying up late... again.... I am going to hate myself tomorrow.

I'm staying up late again. I don't know why I do this to myself. I could have fallen asleep two hours ago... I'm afraid. terrified that I will never be anything. how can I? I always feel so weak and stupid. there are always so many people so far beyond what I could ever do, I am always inferior. I am not gifted intellectually or socially, I have no physical skills, I am not beautiful. I feel trapped in my body sometimes. I know that I am better off than many, but it feels so useless! jogging two miles is a feat for me, while my peers are easily running four. I remember, in gymnastics, I was never very flexible. in PE class at school, and when I played with my friends, I could never run as fast. I would get side aches. I still do, almost always, and nothing seems to help it. my eyes are bad. I feel betrayed by my body sometimes. there are so many things I could do but I'm stuck in this weak limp thing, and it never seems to change, no matter how hard I run.

so there's this guy K, and on his facebook page it says he wants to study aerospace engineering. he's in physics and calc, like me. I think we have the same grade. so why is it that if I say something about wanting to study engineering, people will say "but I thought you didn't like math" or "but you've always struggled with math, and engineering is a lot of math!" and if K said the same thing, people would be like "awesome! where are you going to school?".

what the fuck. C does nothing, and she gets an allowance? I do 3 times as much and mom doesn't pay me. C is ridiculously slow, unhelpful, lazfy, and she gets 100 DOLLARS A MONTH from rotary no matter WHAT she does. fuck. I am so sick of mom right now. what about all that work I did (that C was supposed to help with) that you said you'd pay me for? she does some cleaning ONE time because you MADE her and now all of a sudden she's the one getting paid. what happened to that "if I have to ask you, you don't get paid" thing? fuck you!

why can't I go to sleep? why am I always, no matter what I do, so so so tired? why do I eat things when I'm not hungry?! why am I always out?

I should have an A. I should have an A, but now I'll be lucky to get a C. I get up, come to school half hour early (because Long said we might want extra time to take the test) I'm coming across the parking lot and Bonn is like "do you have your parking permit?" in his stupid voice "because we're going to start towing people today!" and I was like "I don't have time for this" but I got the papers anyways and (politely) asked the office ladies for the paper and how long it would take. they were like "how about a please?" (you stupid kid) and I try to fill it out as fast as I can and realize it will take way longer than a minute, so I drop it and run to calc where... we have a sub. that idiot Long is sick AGAIN (wah, wah, wah, bitch, I don't miss school unless I'm puking my guts out) she's sick all the fucking time and none of her subs ever know shit. so I try to figure out the problem, no one knows how to do it, I think about just leaving ( the bell hasn't rung yet) but I'm an idiot so I just ask for the test. I finish the first page before class even starts, and I go as fast as I can on the rest, but what a surprise, the bell rings and I still have four unfinished problems. (Long always has ridiculously

and then this fucking computer dies.

ridiculously long tests always
long makes up stupid excuse about tardy policy
even shorter day (bc of stupid assembly)
got there as early as possible
still didn't finish it
remembered final last year, when these people kept coming in and asking "MRS. LONG, DID YOU GRADE OUR TESTS YET?!" and being really noisy and I want to scream "YOU TOOK THAT TEST THIS MORNING YOU STUPID WHORES! GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES AND GET THE FUCK OUT!"
gave up, let the sub have my test
try not to let mascara run
wonder how to find out which administrator came up with tardy policy and dress code so I can smash their fucking faces in

30 seconds to mars

I finally decided to drop biology today. I should have been taking physics this whole time.... I'll be so far behind everyone else... retake the SAT, so many things, everything is moving too fast.

whining

I. am. so. embarrassed. why? whyyyy????? why did I do this to myself?!
can I just forget all about it now? (no, of course not, it will haunt me for weeks)

I haven't been running. I ate so many cookies today...

dear druggie kids: fuck you. you're the reason no one will take me seriously.
R: what are you doing? get over yourself and quit being a such a problem.
J: same as above.

I want to join the air force, to fly fighter jets. I'm already planning on doing it, and then reality reminds me that I will probably never get there. but I can't bring myself to say it won't happen. even though it probably won't. why couldn't I at least have good eyesight?

ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!

so I read this book, the other day; it involved a religious cult. it explained all their brainwashing techniques, and there were some striking similarities to what we do in youth group and other church activities. I thought this was funny (as in amusing) so I was telling dad about it and mom says (jokingly) to C something about how I "neeever have any opinions!" and when I look at her she says something about how I'm "so cynical". and so I say "what? I should just be stupid and happy?" because that's what you keep telling me. don't ask questions or think for yourself; just be stupid and happy. to me, my supposed "cynicism" seems more like "reason" and "common sense" or my favorite, "logic" (logic basically kills everything I dislike. too bad those things never really die...).

I've got that song stuck in my head, because C made me watch the runaways last night. I was like "I don't wanna get the runaways, it'll just be like "our lives suck, we're doing drugs, we're doing drugs, our lives suck" and then it's going to end badly for them because those stories always do." and mom was like "you haven't even seen it" and C was like "la lala la I think it looked cool and grown up! la lalala la..." (well this was her thoughts, but) and then we watched it, and lo and behold: DRUGS! OUR LIVES SUCK! THIS IS DEPRESSING AND CREEPY! and somehow C is surprised (stupid. I don't care that English isn't her first language, you can tell she's a bit of a bubblehead.). I'm rolling my eyes, but I enjoyed the whole "first all-girl rockband" thing (old man: girls don't play electric guitar. guitar girl: oh yeah? watch me, you stupid fuck.(well it wasn't quite like that, but that was sort of the feel of it) and then she proceeds to wear an awesome jacket and be a really famous musician). and I am also thinking "whoa, the 70's really sucked" because you have the 50's=really sucky, then the 60's=new feminist movement!, then the 70's=ehh, women are legally equal now, it doesn't matter (except women were STILL NOT REMOTELY EQUAL and nobody cares) I say this to mom, and she says " I had a great time in the 70's! (when she was a teenager)" and then gives me the "you're so cynical/judgmental speech" and then I say "well mom, did you ever make any attempt to step outside your given boundaries?" and she has to say no. this shuts her down pretty quick.

I hate that I can't be girly and respected at the same time. just because I love bows and pastel colors and baby animals and fairytales does not mean that I am silly and stupid. caring about my appearance and singing does not make me a weakling. just because I don't run around bashing people's faces in some sport and I am not aggressive in conversations doesn't mean I can't kick your ass if I need to.

I don't know

hello daddy, hello mom, I'm your ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!
hello world, I'm your WILD girl, I'm your ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch CHERRY BOMB!

I am so tired of being laughed at. so. fucking. tired. you say sexism isn't a problem anymore, I say bullshit. I can't count the number of times I've been told I can't do something because I'm just a silly girl. what makes you think you have the slightest clue about who I am, what I can do, or what I will do to get what I want? because you really have no idea. and just because I am female does not mean that I am weak, silly or stupid. it does mean that even now, in the 21st century, I'm realizing that I'm always going to have to work twice as hard to prove myself. and I'm really tired of you fuckers telling me it's easy.

start karate and horseback riding again
retake SAT
take ACT
what if I don't like it?
I just want to fly. that's all.

so much stuff dragging me down, I've decided it doesn't matter.
can I have those new running shoes, because I am going to run at least a mile every day now, not jog, RUN.
I'm way off on sleeping, but that doesn't matter. tomorrow, I will get ALL of my questions in math explained, no matter how much my teacher tries to avoid it. then I will get my history project completely and awesomely done. and then I will think about other things.
I've decided all the depressing shit doesn't matter, because I'M GOING TO FUCKING BEAT IT ALL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR0R_4cFxEc&feature=player_embedded#!
this music video makes me want to cut my hair short and wear leather jackets. but I wouldn't look sexy, just silly. oh well. why can't I dance like that?!

oh, and FUCK YOU NS. FUCK YOU. I am so fucking sick of hearing your shit.
really!!! I might block you on facebook! this is really amusing to me right now, not sure why, but you sure are pissing me off. and I don't even care about you, soooooo....

SKB is tooootally in love with C. of course. she doesn't even have to do anything, and guys fall head over heels. because she is so tiny and adorable and loveable... no one is immune. not even me, the ugly giantess.
I am so fucking mad with this stupid dress code. am I the ONLY one who ever gets punished for it?
I want a pair of aviator sunglasses. and, fuck, I WANT to fly those fighters. I would give everything up to be like that... one of the best pilots in the world... the problem is, realistically, I know I'd never get there.
but. I WANT TO FLY THOSE FUCKING PLANES. I really just want to scream that. ahhhhh, my secret dream, how you will never be...

my blog is so depressing!
well, I guess the only time I write anything is when I feel like crap or I'm really angry.
I really want bluish-green streaks underneath my hair
mom makes me so angry sometimes. why does she have to be so immature? I mean, I know I am sometimes (well, quite often really), but she's an adult (who thinks she's soooo far above everyone else....).

creepy. desperate, kind of disappointing. ew, I feel icky.

I hate I hate I hate why do I do this to myself? ruined. all ruined. I'll be a mess. why?
J, you are so cute, and I hope people won't switch seats...
F, I really don't think I like you. you treat me like I'm stupid and you make fun of me. I know, eeeeeverybody loves you... I don't.
what the fuck is up with all the bugs in the house? it's freaking me out.
SKB, I don't even know what your name is. but I feel you deserve a mention here. if only as another person who reminds me how huge and pasty and ugly I am. whatever, whatever.

STOP talking about how much you hate twilight. newsflash: you're not alone! so quit acting like this makes you all "Rebellious" and "Unique".

why can't I be pretty? why? why? why does she have to go to my school? (you guys are so cute together it makes me sick) why am I ugly? invisible? I'm not ugly, I'm just not pretty enough, and therefore not at all. G, you don't even know I exist, and you wouldn't ever notice me if you did (this is ok because I think you're a jackass), but why, why, why not. its so unfair. S is just born with a striking face and cooperative hair. so is M, and especially N. it is so easy for them, no matter what they say, they have no idea. I have to try and try and put time and effort into just looking ok, how is that fair?

it is unpleasant having C around all the time. she is so tiny and adorable and perfect. she is feminine and delicate, cute and pretty... everything I'm NOT. and it's just depressing to have a constant bubbly reminder of my height and flat chest and non-cute face and fuzzy hair...

light blue is a ridiculous color for nail polish. it looks ridiculous. why does nailpolish always look so silly?

I read that book, the religious cult, the brainwashing stuff. and it made me think of church. you know, when everyone is singing? and what kb said, about all the times they were shouting the songs together and how it was "so awesome" and I think about that reaction. I have it too. this nice little bubbly feeling you get that's like "I'm part of a group". and it's a happy buzz, I guess that's how people are wired, probably why so many people are religious. and I think for a moment "wouldn't it be nice if I could just turn off my brain and actually be part of them". but. creepy, creepy as fuck, it's brainwashing. the chanting together, the singing, the shouting, the "positive thoughts", separating kids, and the strict rules... it's the same, it's the same. I meant it as a joke, but fuck. there you go.

here I am again. nearly 3:00 in the morning. I was doing so well... and I have stretch marks. this gives me a horrible, out-of-control feeling. I want to panic and scream. I am young and thin. I have been young and thin for the entirety of my short life. so why the fuck do I have stretch marks? I need to eat less. I have lines on my face already. they show up when I'm tired. the lines and dark bags under my eyes never go away. no mom, it's not "you need to smile more!" this is how my face naturally sits. smiling requires energy, and I spend most of my time being really. fucking. exhausted. no matter how much sleep I get.. not to mention, how the fuck do you know what I'm like all day? being around you usually makes my mood take a drastic plunge, even when you aren't actively trying to make me angry... and I look like a fucking idiot when I really smile. I'm not ugly. I look fine, I'm just not pretty. I'm pretty in my own way sometimes, but always quite awkward looking.

DREAM COLLEGE CRITERIA

-tons of study abroad options
-lots if international students/diverse student body
-close to major city (good public transportation system/good for bikes), at the very least somewhere same size/larger than anchorage
-good atmosphere in surrounding area, lots of things to do
-close to mountains/ocean
-flight program
-medium sized (no huge classes)
-good student/professor ratio
-approachable/available/helpful professors/faculty
-ballet, horseback riding (good extracurricular opportunities/clubs)
-nice dorms and facilities (priv. rr option, good rec center, wifi)
-good food
-friendly vibe
-prestige
-good academics (lots of strong majors)
-non-conservative area
-moderate climate (NOT hot humid/rainy and dark)
-even ratio of men/women
-lots of scholarship options/fin. aid
-CHEAP

I have so many plans for this year. you know, eat better, exercise more, get more sleep. I'm already a little off on the last one but I actually feel like I can go to sleep right now which is awesome.

I made a new blog but I like the old name better

I don't know, I don't know, back to square one I guess. I was so sad today, and then I was happy, I think it was the letting yourself-wallow-in-it-at-rock-bottom thing so then there's nowhere to go but up. but whenever I'm happy I am never completely happy so I always ask myself what's wrong, and then I realize there's tons of things, and I will never be able to relax. I have to find that fucking ring. still!! still!! how the fuck did I lose it? why?why?why? why did grandma have to die when she did anyways, because I really want to talk to her! and I have lots of things to ask her and talk to her about that I never got to, and my family, they have terrible memories, they don't get it, and I really don't want to be responsible for her ring. I HATE LOSING THINGS. MORE THAN JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

http://canichangethisname.blogspot.com/ this is my old blog. but I gave someone the link to it so it's not private enough anymore so I made this one. but I want them to be linked together.