the fact that I am too stupid to complete even the simplest of tasks makes me want to kill myself. I am in my second year of college, I can't write a decent paper, so I may as well just shoot myself in the face because I will never be able to do anything.

I want power
I want to control, influence, change; people, the world around me

I am so stupid and useless, I'm a complete fake. I'm just bullshitting my way through everything, I'll never actually get anywhere

I wonder if my life becomes less significant, profound because I have never fought for anything.  My dreams are full of blood and violence, I am always fighting, struggling for myself, or to protect someone else. I'm not always angry in my dreams though, most often I'm just desperate.

I thought everyone dreamed like me, but most people say they do not. My dreams are always full of impossible/non existent landscapes populated by horrifying creatures, they are almost always desperate; violent, bloody, disgusting, overshadowed by a creeping dread. But I always wish I could show other people the amazing places and things I've seen in my dreams. They're usually complicated stories, but I'm only left with images and impressions when I wake up. Sometimes it's like I have a sequence of dreams over the space of a few days, where they all seem to take place in the same universe or have a certain feeling to them... sometimes I can't tell the difference between what I dreamed while asleep and remembering thinking about the dream while I was awake.

I'm already tired of this. university is not the "next step into the real world" its a regression to some weird delaying- bubble. I had far more "responsibility" and "independence" when I was at home. I'm tired of being treated like a drunken child, tired of the school trying to take more money from me, tired of feeling like I'm less prepared because I'm not actually doing anything, tired of feeling like I'm stuck in limbo and not really going anywhere.

I feel like no one actually likes me. they just tolerate me. people always get annoyed with me, tired of me eventually.  no one has ever sought out my company, it's always me. always me, my mother says "well you need to _____ more!" (because, of course, everything is completely my fault) but the thing is, I do. I call my friends, I invite them to do things, I talk to people, I listen... and my efforts have never been reciprocated. I am not a loud person, I am not nosy, I have zero interest in trying to get someone to like me. If I have to put that much effort in it is not going to happen. The problem is my friends, the people I do know, seem to forget that I exist unless I am right in front of them, and even then they ignore me. I will be saying something, and then they'll just start talking to each other while I'm still talking, or not even look at me. It's happened so many times, I start to answer someone's question (If you don't want my reply, do not ask me questions) and they start talking to someone else like I'm not even there before I've even said two words. S does this all the time. "you told me that, bro" yes, I know, but someone else asked me about it and they were actually listening to me before you interrupted? also I was not talking to you as evidenced by the fact that I did not say your name nor was I looking at you? you're not the only person in this room? people always interrupt me and talk over me I just need to stop talking.
S can't stand it when she isn't the expert on something. Which is fine, I don't care but you sound really stupid when you talk about guns or drinking. Stop calling people sluts and then turning around and going off on various bits of pop culture for being sexist (especially twilight/50 shades etc YOU ARE BEATING A DEAD HORSE. a very dead horse. also, stop talking about how you ~~HATE ALL POP MUSIC. It does not make you so aware/cool/counter-culture. I don't know, I'm a little more concerned about the current societal attitudes that make things so shitty for women, (attitudes that you seem to agree with half the time?) not stupid books that have been analyzed and critiqued to death by everyone and their mother. no one cares)  I can't talk about anything without being told to "calm your tits bro!". Do I sound panicked? I don't think so. Do I sound like you anytime you talk about various superhero movies, etc? yes. Are you only telling me to calm down because there might be a guy around and you want to be seen as the "chill" girl? yes. because obviously the only thing I can be interested in is the same shit that everyone else is interested in. It's either "calm your tits" from these people or the "raised eyebrows" look from H which makes me want to fucking shoot someone. H: "oh, you're talking about something I know nothing about? I'm sure it's really stupid then so I'm going to try and act superior". So, what is "freaking out" jumping up and down, screaming, panicking? talking about something all the time? raising your voice? because I have never done any of these things yet I am constantly accused of "freaking out". I will often say "ugh, I am super worried about ~~~ because this has been such a mess and no one is answering my emails". If you don't want to hear it, say so. Sorry for trying to get things done. Yeah, so the stuff I was worried about last year? yeah it actually went really badly for me. Things have gotten pretty screwed up. But I didn't panic (I never do) and I haven't given up yet, so forgive me if I'm mildly concerned and want to double check things. If I learned anything in my first year of college, it is that you cannot trust ANYONE. You must do everything yourself. The world is absolutely full of hopelessly incompetent, useless adults who don't know how to do their jobs. You have to double and triple check everything. Universities are useless bureaucracies that are only trying to get as much money as they can out of you.

I really want to make toys
or write for a show like adventure time
I would be good at both of those things
but I'm not remotely on a track to do either of those things

I think I'm studying international relations because it's interesting to me, and the school work that comes with it is something I can do pretty easily. The problem is, I don't want to work for an NGO. I don't really want to work for the US govt. (not that I could ever get a decent job), and there's no fucking way that I could make it into the UN and I'm not even sure I want to. If I'm in Sweden (like I want to be) it'll take forever to become a citizen, I wouldn't be able to work for their government. I'm just interested in how the world works. I feel like a lot of this international relations etc should be basic stuff that everyone learns. I want to travel also, but I feel like my interest in traveling is a little different than a lot of people's. I want to see things, sure, but I'm more interested in spending a lot of time in one certain place, absorbing it, learning a different culture, trying to connect with people on more than a surface level. I want to know what regular life is like in X country. I only really enjoy going places where I can stay with people I know (I'm lucky to have these connections).
I'm not anywhere in the universe of good enough/crazy enough to make it through art school, and it doesn't seem worth it to go through years and years of making boring stuff I don't care about when I can just make things at home for fun.

what am I doing with my life I don't even know what I want (well I sort of do, but I know I'll never be able to make it happen)

I also want to write/tell stories (I would not be particularly good at that)

I want to spend less time doing things that don't make me think
I want to create more of my own things
I want to read more
I want to be more aware
I want to educate myself
I want to stay in contact with people and make more connections
I want to better express love and gratitude
I want to train or tame an animal
I want to have my own space

I need to create, not just consume. The problem is, materials cost money. Which is why people write, but I'm too stupid to write anything. Everyone and their mother wants to be a writer though, maybe I should start writing more stuff down anyways. I've always enjoyed working with my hands, making things, actual tangible objects as a product of labor. I haven't written a decent paper in forever, it's like I don't know how anymore.  I should be writing very good papers so I can have a catalog of old work to fall back on, but they're all terrible because I'm lazy? I'm very good at seeing things in three dimensions and figuring out how to build them/ how they go together. I really want to go back to making things with clay... I'm thinking about buying a little sewing machine I have so many ideas of things I want to make. its just that these things don't really work in a dorm room. and I don't really want to be spending money at all. (that's the one good thing to be said of the internet: cheap entertainment.) if I did get a sewing machine, would I buy it here or at home? how much would it cost to ship it back and forth to sweden with me and what about the converter? should I just buy one there? what if it's too expensive/I can't find fabrics/thread anywhere?
(also what am I going to do with my bike?? hopefully someone can take it I'm really attached to it now)

1. I want to finish school early, preferably somewhere else
2. I want to fly
3. I want to teach/volunteer/work abroad
4. I want to speak at least one other language fluently
5. I want to go to all of the places on my list, and visit everyone
6. I want to have power and respect
7. I want to help someone(s) in some way
8. I want to leave something behind
9. I want to be healthy, stylish and beautiful
10. I want to develop non-academic skills

I have screwed everything up so fucking bad
no matter what I do I'm wasting years of my life, and how much of my family's money? I am so disgusting I fucking hate myself. there is no way this is going to work, but I can't admit it, so I just have to keep going on the tiniest chance that this will happen even though logically I KNOW it won't work
why do I even want this? because I have nothing else
NOTHING
I have no skills, no interests, nothing to do, nothing to work for, nothing to look forward to... everything costs money, money I don't have

I am fucking sick of my parents paying for everything. They give me too much, they actually think I'm going to be something... I want to be independent, free of this crushing guilt. so when I'm hungry bc I'm so poor on my own...well thank god I don't have to feel guilty, because guilt feels worse than hunger

I am terrified
I will fail, I have no idea what I want to do I am already so behind
my life is going to be poor, mundane, and endlessly boring until I die, having achieved nothing and leaving nothing behind

I feel completely braindead
I am so tired I cannot think properly

ok I was feeling awesome earlier today but now I feel horrid I am so stressed out I am a little behind on reading, but it seems impossible to actually do all of it anyways?? I have a ton of work every day for one of my classes and I have to come up with a research question for another by tomorrow (I have no idea it's way too broad) I have 2 tests coming up (36 pages of vocab I don't even know what to do with that) and art history, I don't really know how to study for it and I have 12000 other things to do god damn the chapters in that book are sooo long I haven't read about anything other than france but that is all we've talked about unless I've missed something, and I have no idea what the film class is going to be like, it is like impossible to do all the readings?? I am confused and behind already?? I keep mixing up my two international studies classes the notes are all mixed together and I can never remember what I've read and what i haven't... on top of all that I'm trying to get all of the study abroad stuff together, I don't know where to turn those papers in and what if I don't get my scholarship and why did no one tell me about that other scholarship it is probably too late now for both why will no one tell me the dates so I can buy a ticket (still haven't bought the ticket home for x mas 'cause no one knows when my swedish final is!!!) who do I talk to about the credits? can I talk to anyone abt it? what about where I'm living? who do I talk to for that? how do I figure out if it's worth it to stay or not, and am I actually enrolled?? what do I have to do to get a residency permit? also I was going to apply to my major but then I went nope I do not have the time to write 3 essays and get recommendations and find an advisor etc etc but what if I need to have declared already what fresh hell will this cause

well, I spent less time than I normally do on the computer yesterday and started reading deathless instead. I have not enjoyed a book this much for a very very long time... I feel so much better. I have new plans forming now, I feel like I'm approaching real-life daydreaming very tentatively (I have a tendency to let what can happen in my life mix with my imagination into impossible scenarios) but, new ideas? I need to start saving money now.

so I watched detatchment the other day. I was expecting hipster nonsense and that's mostly what it was, but it made me think about all of the kids I've worked with the past few years, especially a few this year...and I just want to cry because I know their lives are going to be so, so hard and there's really nothing I can do to help them. they're not mine, none of them are and you are supposed to remain detached because its really none of your business even though with kids this age you are so much more involved in their home life. I would never teach high school. when they're little, even if their home lives are horrible they can still be helped by some crackers and a hug, a stroke on the cheek and smile at them as you tell them "don't worry sweetheart, you're fine". then tie their shoes and zip their coat, send them outside to play-

and it just makes me want to scream and cry the way my government absolutely destroys what little chance some of these kids have

I feel like I have no individuality, no defining characteristics. I can't even recognize myself because I have nothing that is mine, nothing I have created, nothing that distinguishes me from the mass of everyone else. I don't know what is my imagination and what has been taken from somewhere else. I feel like my imagination used to be strong, completely limitless when I was younger. I spent large amounts of time existing almost completely in a world that I had created, an ongoing story that surrounded me always. I still do this sometimes, in the deep of summer when I spend all of my time alone, outside. normally I feel like I can't tear myself away from ~~~inspiration~~- the internet, photos, film, music. but sometimes all of that feels lackluster and uninteresting compared to my own imagination, I have to jump up and move and slip back into my own world. I can't do that while I'm at school and I miss it. I feel like I need to create something but what? I have "achieved" a lot but I have nothing to show for it... (I really feel like the internet is killing my brain. it makes me less imaginative, feel slower, dumber, I can't concentrate/ pay attention to anything? I always say I need to spend less time on the computer, but that's all anyone else does for the most part. everyone! it almost scares me a little. I really feel like I'm wasting my life away but then it sucks me back in I don't know what to do. make a resolution, I guess.)
2 hours a day, max (unless I'm writing an essay)
if I am really tired: take a nap
buy more books (I really miss buying books. I feel like when I buy e-books they just all run together and slip through my mind)
1Q84, in the valley of the wolves (read it as a child, I feel like there were a lot of really great books I read as a kid that I have forgotten now... why did I get rid of all of them?)

I am so desperate to succeed and I am so willing to fight for it but the problem is I don't even know what success is for me. I don't know what I want.

school is ok. it's a little boring. I can't be bored I may as well kill myself if this is the "best time of my life"

I'm not good at anything. I have no talents or skills or even any particular interests. there isn't even anything that I'm really bad at. no distinguishing features, I don't even know what I like. I'm studying what I am because it's interesting sometimes? I don't hate it?

I have never created anything on my own, I don't know how to do anything, I'm not really learning anything here. college ~~experience~~~??? gaining ~~maturity~~? I am far more mature and responsible at home  than I ever have been at school. college basically enables you to do absolutely nothing, have no responsibility and to put off acting like an adult for another 4 yrs. I don't think I am getting much from this ~experience~ except an all-consuming sense of guilt about the amount of money my parents are spending on me.

no one has ever taken me seriously. I get no respect from anyone. and I never will unless I am "successful". I want to be in control. I want to tell people what to do. partially why I considered joining the military: for some reason any thought you have is given 10x more weight if you're like "well hey, I survived a warzone"
also, I feel like the being in a warzone would make me a more "~~~well rounded person~~~~" than college. I am already not-a-complete-idiot who is aware of what's going on in other parts of the world, so I don't think that taking ~~~multiculturalism~~~ credits are really adding anything.

once I made some comment about being irritated about school ( I was taking a full schedule of "gen ed" courses which are the most fucking useless and pointless courses designed to suck as much money out of you as possible) and my mother said  "you're just like your father, you can't stand doing anything that you don't think is useful" well no fucking shit. why is this strange???? I refuse to do something just bc it's ~ what you're supposed to do~ (note:  I still had a 3.6 gpa for that term. I'm angry, not stupid)

"why are you so angry?? you shouldn't be so angry." well, I don't really know what to say to this. I have about a thousand valid reasons to be very very angry. I keep it to myself. If you are not angry about how the world is then you are either a) completely unaware of anything b) incredibly stupid. if no one ever got angry, then nothing would ever change.

I have always said I would never be a teacher. it's such a stereotypical "woman job". it is also an incredibly important job that you get a) no money and b) no respect for so, no. But I really enjoy working at the elementary school. I would be an excellent elementary school teacher. yes, right now. no, I don't think anyone can do it. I think there are a lot of people who are "super nice and love kids!!" and whom kids also like but they fucking suck at working with them/ teaching them anything. everyone always assumes I'm a substitute/student teacher/ studying to be a teacher- all the other teachers tell me "you know, you really need to go into education." Yes but... the idea of doing 5 years of college to learn about this, and then get no money and no respect? fuck no, actually. so I don't know what to do about this

I still want to fly helicopters why does this cost so much

I am fucking terrified of getting old and losing what little looks I have. I have absolutely nothing else.

I cannot really comprehend myself in a relationship where I wasn't forced to behave like someone else. like the whole idea of a "significant other" is just strange to me. it seems like a waste of time and energy. part of me is afraid of " being alone forever" but I'll be fine. I want someone, but I don't actually care that much? I don't even know. at some point last year I went "I give up. no one has shown any interest so far, and I'm only going to get uglier. not to mention thinking about boys seems completely pointless and not productive" so I went back to not thinking about relationships at all, which was what I was doing in the first place for the most part. I feel like I don't care/ think about this at all and then occasionally I'll look around and be like "wait a second... how come I don't get one? that'd be nice." but then I forget about it again and carry on.

I still haven't had a job. this concerns me a lot more than the never had a boyfriend bit.  never having had a job is NOT OK. but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time doing pointless menial tasks for what? money? it doesn't seem worth it somehow? I need a career where there is some larger objective.

I really like making things, and building things with my hands. figuring out how to make pearl hair pins (bc I wanted some) or putting together model airplanes= really fun to me. I am really good at working with my hands and picturing things in three dimensions. people are always like ~omg you should do engineering or architecture!!1 and I'm like, I fucking hate math. also, I do not want to be in school any longer than I have to.

I like doing artistic/creative things but I am fully aware that I am not nearly artistic/creative enough to make a career out of it. I am not stupid.

I am such a boring person. I don't know what makes a person interesting, but I don't have it.

I want to get in shape, but I don't want it to be pointless. some kind of martial arts? I don't know. I miss horseback riding. I always have to live some where I can go hiking and running without seeing bunches of people.

does no one else dream like I do? this is an honest question. my dreams are never set in reality. everything is always warped and twisted, colors, physical rules don't apply. impossible landscapes, creatures of every kind, blood, bones, death and destruction, long convoluted story lines (usually involving me trying to save someone/ kill something/ escape/ make people listen to me but they never do). I never dream about the real world. giant purple flowers with eyes? mountains too tall to exist? a disease that makes people melt into piles of blood and bone? being eaten alive by maggots? trapped in a giant pink bubble? repeatedly stabbing something but it keeps coming back? all the norm for me. I almost always know I'm dreaming. I can usually control some of whats going on, but this doesn't make it any less real or terrifying in the moment (although sometimes I am completely unafraid for this reason) I thought dreaming was like this for everyone, but apparently not.

there are so many things I want to do but I'm not sure how to make them happen. (I want to fight and hack and slash, can't there be an apocalypse of some kind so I can shoot things?) I feel like my time is running out very, very quickly and I am just sitting around doing nothing

what does being "depressed" even mean
"unhappy for long periods of time" yes, punctuated by bouts of utter misery and the occasional uplifting emotion that lasts for a few moments at most. I don't get it. "sad" is the norm for me (although I do have a neutral of sorts) it has been for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone was like that. actually, I still do. I can't imagine not being unhappy all the time. I cannot comprehend what it would be like to feel relatively " happy" for long periods of time. (this summer was different. it was more like not-having-emotions-and-not-caring contentedness, albeit with more happiness than I've had in a long while) I mean, I hate myself and I'm miserable all the time, but isn't everyone? I'm not going to kill myself, so no problem, right?

as a kid I remember asking my mom "is there something else for me to look forward to?" (these were the times that I crossed off the days until I went to a friends house, or until christmas morning) I tried to explain that I felt that there needed to be something else- she scolded me for being selfish and greedy. I was just looking for something to think about, to look forward to, because otherwise things  seemed so blank and empty and pointless.

maybe its a cultural difference
mb I should go live in russia - don't try to be happy, go live with people who like (?) misery instead!

I'm awful today. yesterday I felt like the worst person, today I'm pretty sure everyone hates me because they KNOW how horrid I am. I cannot understand how anyone could like me at all, I will never make any of this work, I am a complete fucking failure.