I never ever want to live in a shitty miserable room again. NO NO NO
my standards are not that high: the room I have now is fairly small and a bit cold and the windows don't close properly etc but it is clean, bug free, quiet, and there is a pleasant view of the back road and the other little houses and the sunlight comes in nicely... I love it so much. It is basically all I want in a room. (of course it also helps that my flatmate is very nice and neat and quiet so sharing the bathroom and a teensy little kitchen is no problem at all)

living in flogsta was making me fucking depressed I swear I never want to live somewhere like that again.

felicia posted on fb about her horrible hospital cafeteria job
and my brain goes: remember, she speaks swedish and is a citizen and knows swedish people and has worked before and that's where SHE ended up
I am fucked
soooooooo fucked
so so so so so so fucked

I feel like a total fake just waiting to be discovered. I'm totally worthless, basically.
why didn't I suck it up and do something practical? (right, because I'm too stupid) my life is completely pointless and I'll never do anything worthwhile or be taken seriously at all.
because (well, I'm female that doesn't help) I can't do any physical stuff and I'm just not YAY FITNESS XTREME OUTDOORS WOO and also I didn't study science so fuck me then (this is what being back in alaska makes me feel...)

hahahaaaa I have never been trying to achieve "happiness" but rather "a state of not being miserable and hopeless"

having a someone essentially end a friendship for no apparent reason fucking sucks
having no friends also sucks
I hate my thesis topic
why am I such an embarrassment and why is my face awful I'm getting uglier by the minute

people's advice on how to make friends is fucking hi-larious
YES I AM REGULARLY/ALWAYS ABANDONED/IGNORED/LEFT OUT, SEEMINGLY REGARDLESS OF WHAT I SAY, DO, OR HOW I PRESENT MYSELF.
lollll like I have literally been doing all that ~advice~~ my whole goddamned life and it  hasn't gotten me shit.
I really enjoy spending time alone and doing my own thing. being clingy is not the problem, because if I didn't consciously make decisions to be social for my own well being then I would probably just forget to talk to anyone ever.
I am pretty kind and friendly- I have never felt that I hate people. (an older friend said to me "but you shouldn't have any problem, you're interesting and outgoing!" outgoing?!? lolz I'm just a good faker)  It's funny for such an introvert like me- but I really can figure out how to enjoy almost anyone's company. I find most people are fun or interesting in some way,  and I am not easily bothered by strange behavior- could just be a cultural difference, I'll give benefit of the doubt.

so, I find myself in the same place over and over again:  doing most everything on my own, and having friendly interactions with mostly pleasant acquaintances but wait,  NO FRIENDS. I say yes to pretty much every invitation I get (which is never many), try to invite them, and always do my best to have good conversation with said acquaintances... and nothing. people just don't like me. or everyone likes me, just superficially- not enough to actually extend or just return any effort of actual friendship. (or they just completely exclude/ignore me immediately, maybe because I'm boring??? idk?? but this has happened all the damn time literally my entire life. ok, so I had a group of friends in elementary school which I was included in but I was NOT one of the favorites and that was very clear.)

want to have a LIFE here but there is that whole "no personnummer, no job, no job, no personnummer" thing to deal with (esp because I have basically nothing to recommend me)

no idea when I'll have time to study swedish and the thought of my classmates passing me up on it kills me

and also, how to make friends? not that I've ever been any good at it... some things never change...

kind of think I may want to date someone again sometime but idk how I'll ever meet anyone ( I just can't do the "sleep with someone from a night out and then get to know them!!" none of that is fun. I don't much care for drinking or loud music and I hate dancing and I don't want no damn strangers in mah house!!!! also have to know a guy pretty well before I really feel any inclination to be sexual... I'm no prude but it just doesn't much interest me otherwise.) as I don't really meet anyone outside of school/work and why can't I just get to know someone for a while/ be friends first?!?! this whole dating thing is so blah to me.

I'm going to do some traveling next semester, (by request- not my idea! to brussels to see the family, germany to visit a friend, and maybe a weekend trip to luxembourg if I somehow find the time) but the guilt over money UGH!!!

so much guilt

good GOD I hate myself  

maddie graduated magna cum laude from school of economics, she's there looking like a model in her gown and I'm here being a useless slob 

"well, there is another dinner, not for the whole class though" well gee, how am I supposed to not take that personally? so yeah, I totally want to go when I know they'll all come having partied together already and I'll be some sort of weird interloper... speaking of which, they're probably all out for drinks right now and that's why my messages are unanswered

" you think about it too much! you're too sensitive!" yeah, easy to say when NONE OF THIS SHIT EVER GETS DONE TO YOU 

I've been thinking a lot about my dreams lately. they are always a bit unusual, often bordering on the nightmarish but when my room is too warm they become downright feverish and halucinatory. The tall white shapes I see moving towards me in the dark but I am so heavy I cannot leave the bed... I am always alone in my dreams, always running, fighting for my life... over and over again, my limbs are heavy, or my feet begin to stick to the ground, sometimes like running through mud or sand... I try desperately to fight back, to hurt someone but I am weak and it does nothing, or I cannot keep my eyes open even if I am holding my lids with my fingers... I am always trying to save people or warn them or protect them but they don't listen, they die anyways, I cannot help them enough because they are just too fragile for the whirlwind around them, or it is me, my body is falling apart, or being eaten by maggots or turning to orange slime and melting away in the sun, the bones of my hand painfully exposed... I am always very small, the landscapes massive and strange, or simply physically impossible, falling through dimensions I cannot navigate, always lost with a desperate sense of urgency: how have I been gone so long and I didn't even know? it's like I've been sleeping for eternity and just awoken to find this world falling apart around me- but there is always something that must be done, something to be escaped, a destination.... I will always see those giant eyes on their purple stalks, waving gently in the distance... that odd swampy land between the sea and an impenetrable forest, where the sun beat down hard and we ran to and fro on tiny boards suspended above the dead, acidic water...

wow I have no friends how unusual
next year is going to fucking suck: class, thesis, job, and trying to speak a second language the whole time while people are like
~ ew  y is she trying so hard
bc you cannot live here if you don't speak the language you fucking idiots
"well, just have your parents take a loan so you can buy an apartment."
L O FUCKING L
"why can't you just get a cafe job or something?'
hey, I'd love to, but seeing as my friend who is a swedish citizen and speaks swedish and has years of experience working in a cafe could NOT, I'm a bit concerned about my chances. secondly, do you really think that a cafe is going to jump through the flaming legal hoops and extra work just for like a waitress?? nah, didn't think so

HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET A JOB how the fuck am I going to get a place to live??

well fuck me I have a terrible crush on an unavailable person
(99.99999999999% sure he has a girlfriend but  I'm not asking bc I don't wanna shatter the tiny illusion of possibility...)

dorotea and felicia are not replying to my messages, was not invited to either thanksgiving dinner, am never included or invited in class, my few friends are annoyed at me for having brought it up, aannnd I still don't have a research question, also I lost my student meal card. so much fucking anxiety. will I get to go out tomorrow? lol no

I refuse to just "accept" men's poor behavior. fix it or get out, I am not here to be your teacher/mother/therapist and you shouldn't try to make me.

I just want someone who is sweet, kind, gentle, respectful, intelligent and sensitive yet humorous, empathetic, thoughtful, relaxed and relatively secure in themselves, yet aware of their faults, and is willing to actively create a deeply intimate and trusting relationship.

Apparently, this is asking for too much. The funny thing is, this is me.  All I'm asking is someone who will be my equal, and who puts in as much as I do instead of just asking and taking from me. My well of emotional energy is  not boundless and it is exhausting to be treated like it is- reciprocity, equality, that's all I'm asking for.

"It’s just that men feeling attacked and their actually being attacked are frequently very different things. In my experience the most gentle and tentative approach to pointing out shitty behaviour is seen and treated as an attack."

I remember, being afraid to talk to him about anything really because he was always on the defensive. always took everything as an attack, no matter how quiet and nice I was about it...  felt I was constantly tiptoeing about and twisting myself into pretzels to avoid hurting his feelings... and then when I expressed this he got upset and said "it isn't supposed to be that way"

he was upset, basically, that we were interacting in this way. He wanted me to be comfortable and supported, and was aware of his poor behavior, and even apologized for specific instances, but it was difficult to change...

but he wanted to. could he have done it, if I had given him the chance? 

god I just hate men sometimes
that sick wave of fear that washes over me when I see a group, hear raised voices, the fact that I have to look away, walk around...

Edit:
don't remember the incident that led me to write this, but foreign men continue to remind me that they are worthless menaces to modern society. I know that nordic men can be dumb fucks too, but dear god nothing is worse than some shit for brains american who thinks he's better than me for no reason at all, he's been brought up that way, and is far too stupid to consider that any other ideas exist...

if I am to engage in a romantic/intimate relationship with a man it will be entirely on my own terms. I will not modify my behavior in any way and he must not make me feel like I should.

• he must be a feminist (NOT liberal feminism, no porn, no fetishes of degradation) 
• he must be able to communicate effectively and maturely 
• I am very straight forward and honest with my opinions and emotions; he must not take this as a personal attack 
• sex must be entirely reciprocal-he must never pressure me in any way 
• he must have his own life, be able to think and plan as I do, solve his own problems and have sense of security in himself, I will not be a caretaker/therapist. However, this is is not "free pass" to be flaky, emotionally stunted, and non-monogamous, as I will not tolerate any of these

this horrible boredom that overcomes me- I try so hard to never be idle so I don't get sucked under again but it's like the depression pulls the interest out of everything and then everything is boring no matter what I do- everything is pointless but  I don't even care

yeah, I was happier with him around. coming home after being out with friends, a bit sad and after a cold walk curling into warm, welcoming arms and smile...
why did I ruin it again? I can't remember

can't remember why I did it, but there's no going back now I've ruined everything. why didn't I just fucking wait?

I am so sad I miss him so much more than I thought I would
I still THINK I made the right decision but it's fucking painful

it hurts it hurts it hurts
not sure what I've done

trying not to throw up
focusing on calling melissanthi later and maybe my mom too
going to listen to nice music, hayley westenra and that cello piece from master&commander...

my heart is beating so fast (all day) and I can't stop shaking I feel like I might pass out this whole day has felt like one long disconnected dream I am so afraid

fucking hate my boyfriend right now
could be out biking/hiking with friends on a beautiful sunny warm day but instead I am stuck INSIDE
no I hadn't cleaned yet, I've been a little busy. you know, being a fucking adult. going to grad school, trying to break in socially, and washing your dishes/cleaning up after everyone. while you have been... oh that's right, doing nothing. sitting and playing computer games. and you have the FUCKING NERVE TO SAY I HAVEN"T DONE THE DISHES YET is this a fucking joke

confused and unhappy, feeling sick

I'm out ALREADY
what the fuck I hate myself

basic wants for a boyfriend:
taller than me
doesn't embarrass me in any way

always complaining, always a victim, everything is always the worst
a bit pretentious, always thinking you're going to laugh at me
makes it a little hard for people to like you?

why the FUCK DO YOU SHARE ALL OF THOSE STUPID THINGS ON FACEBOOK
I swear to god, it's embarrassing ME. what the fuck does that accomplish, anyways? all it does is make people hate you. even people who agree with you.
sometimes I don't know if I'm with him because I want to be or if I just can't deal with breaking up with him. It kills me to be so jealous of other couples who can go do things and not end up hating each other. go to stockholm and explore for the day? no, he'd gripe constantly about money, be worried about everything, complain about me walking to fast, complain constantly about rich people/hipsters/all those other people who hate him/he hates back/is such a victim, worries about everything, cannot make any decisions nor has any ideas, will get very pouty if I have the gall to get slightly annoyed with him for being such a wet blanket and ruining any fun, and will worry about everything. Actually travel somewhere? same story, only x1000.
other than that he just makes me happy so much of the time and I just can't imagine giving that up
pathetic

I just want to be as sure as they are, if I'm going to be with someone
I want to just laugh, and not be embarrassed
someone who will go on adventures with me and not drive me up the fucking wall

I am essentially getting what I wanted, I think

but I am so afraid and so anxious I think I'm going to crack. I've been so miserable and anxious for so long now, and I get no break, not for the whole next year, I  keep telling myself just to get through these classes, but these are easy compared to a master's program I am so afraid. my head hurts and my stomach hurts, feels like pressing behind my eyes and throat, my heart hurts... all the time. half the time I have no idea what I am so scared/anxious unhappy about. 

feeling guilty about stupid things I did when I was a kid, I really should give all those little art things I made back to my dad
should have written about all the doubts I'm having, I just want to stay here and be at home, live an alaskan life, go to hatcher pass, fly small planes and see the mountains every day...

what if something goes wrong and I don't graduate in time
what if I don't get my visa
what if my diploma doesn't come
what if i don't get that job

I feel like I'm an annoyance to you. you are always "too tired"- to talk, to fuck, to pay attention to me. I always, ALWAYS initiate, sometimes just because if I don't then I wonder if we would ever have sex? and what, having sex in a bed is boring? are you fucking kidding me? I want to do so much more but you don't really respond... then you have the fucking nerve to say "we'll see" when I don't want to have sex anywhere remotely public, you have no fucking clue what I do/don't like. "it doesn't turn me on" does not translate to "I'm a prude who never tries anything!"- so condescending.  you make me feel pathetic, like I'm trying too hard to get your attention and it just doesn't work. would you even like me as much if I wasn't so skinny? And the worst part is I can't say anything about any of this, because you'll get SO angry with me, like I think/say these things just to be mean to you and punish you... because you're always the victim and if we argue its my fault.  

remember that time when I was sitting on your lap and we were listening to some of your music and you laughed and said "you don't really care"? yeah, well maybe I would have if I hadn't already been waiting and waiting for you to come to bed, was sitting in your lap nearly naked, and you still were too busy doing stupid shit on your computer to even kiss me...

what do I want
I don't know what I want but I always want to get to the best next step because just maybe I'll be ok then
I want to create, not consume. build and learn...

tentatively feeling hopeful again
I can't really relax until I get there though

dear god I am so unhappy
so lonely and afraid

so, there do need to be changes made to immigration policies and how immigrants are treated in sweden (and I would include education about racial issues and inclusiveness for native swedes in this too). However, the only people who are saying anything about it are the crazy right wing racist parties. which means no other party is even going to touch the issue, and if they do, they will either try to do the exact opposite of the right wing parties or they will not have any solutions for the problems arising, only "lets distance ourselves from these people as much as possible!" because talking about race/cultural differences/immigration IN ANY CONTEXT automatically means that someone is going to get accused of being racist. so the only people who are saying anything about these issues are the crazy racist people! UGH

everyone graduating (in gowns)
pictures of C, looking lovely and happy and grown up with her perfect boyfriend (and perfect life in general)
people still in Uppsala, have been for the whole year, having a wonderful time and having a great group of friends (while I've been miserable and alone in this horrid town. somehow managed to avoid being bothered by this until now)
people saying how much they will miss their ~college years (these have been some of the most miserable of my life)
BUT
I talked to my mom and she said she was thinking we should have a family gathering to celebrate my birthday/graduation (yes!!) and that we should have a little birthday for me and my boyfriend (our bdays are only a few days apart) while we're in seattle, so I could pick a restaurant
which means after several years of not really celebrating my birthday (it's always during finals week so) there will be like 4 times if I celebrate here with friends, and then with my boyfriend and family, and then if we did my little plan of just going to grandma's and baking a cake one afternoon~ (we always have carrot cake, it's tradition. and my grandma would love to help C:)

Sweden:
so, huge numbers of refugees- huge increase in violent crime. people feel unsafe, continue to have racist prejudice-because most of this is perpetuated in immigrant areas. why is this? poverty leads to crime. why are people poor? they do not speak any european languages and they have no education. so.... what to do?
I understand not wanting to assimilate, but this is the 21st century. if your culture still involves violence towards women and severe male entitlement, then it needs to change, full stop. especially in the context of living in a country which is fully providing education and all necessities for free at the cost of the taxpayers.
also, if someone who is not a citizen of a country commits a serious crime in that country (rape, murder) they should be deported without question regardless of origin.

and I'm still sad all the time
but sometimes I'm happy, because I just think about my boy, and I'm just so glad that I have him
and it's just really nice to think sometimes that even if I don't have any big things to look forward to, I can look forward to spending more time together

I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do this
I am too stupid
also terrified that I've gained weight again wheee!!

I am so miserable and bored and sad
it isn't going away
my motivation never came back
I have no idea what L is even like he just annoys me
I just don't care about anything and I can't figure out why i am so unhappy

oh my god
if I don't get  a job there I'm going to kill myself

who am I kidding I'll never get into the choir
won't make any friends
classes will be horrible
I'll still be ugly and awkward and cant even pull myself together
my boyfriend will still be embarassing

the whole being negative and complaining about random irrelevant things
I STILL feel like I initiate everything
Its really annoying that you say "don't hold things back" but I feel like I can't talk to you because I'm so afraid of offending you
I feel really fucking stupid  because I'm always the one who's calling and hanging after you
don't be so  judgmental of stuff I like. why can't you just relax and go with it? why are you so against any girly things? it is NOT the same to not want to watch gory or depressing stuff. just bc it's not super ~artistic merit~ doesn't mean it's irrelevant or awful
it DOES feel like you're being dismissive when almost everything I say is "why would you do THAT/ noooo"

I desperately need people around. I know that even if I don't want them, I need to interact with people every day to not be crazy and depressed. nothing keeps me feeling more balanced and together than regularly doing things with "friends" (even if they kind of suck)
but at the same time sometimes I just want to run away from it all. all of these people who have expectations of me (although I'm pretty sure thats mostly in my head) but never return anything. they're just there as a constant source of stress. like I just wanna go somewhere I don't know anyone so I won't have to think about anyone else.

I hate myself
no one likes me
everyone annoys me
I don't really know why I feel so awful

D hasn't replied
tumblr people haven't replied
still a little mad at L

I am never fucking happy 

never content and I don't even know why, what is wrong 

I feel like I'm panicking
I'm not in love with my boyfriend? but actually I have no idea what love feels like and especially because I haven't seen him in a month?
the sort of person I'm looking for doesn't exist and even if they did I probably still would not feel anything for them?

he needs to judge me less
he needs to relax more, about everything (I'm sorry I don't care about every world problem)
and have a better sense of humor, to actually "get" things
he needs to be more secure and sure, I don't want to take care of him, and I don't constantly want to worry about him taking things the wrong way, I don't want to always make all of the decisions
quit being such a victim all the time
no, you doesn't actually understand. and I can't explain it without offending you
how are you always tired (see: quit fucking complaining/ being a victim all the time)

dear god I hate that person so much it makes me feel like my head is going to explode

please take some initiative! have a strong personal identity! be at least a little sure of yourself, like me- I do not really have the best self esteem so if yours is worse you must have some crippling insecurities and I don't really want to deal with that!
(and maybe be taller pls)

I want to be in love but I don't even know what that is and I don't know how
I want to be happy about life but I am seemingly incapable of that

stupid things I am worrying about: what if we broke up, would the housing be awkward?
my fucking coat I want a different winter coat but I feel bad
what next? do I really want to go back? I have no idea what I want

god I am so fucking lonely

dear GOD I am so bored and sad
is this it
what do I do

I got accepted to the masters program yay! my incredibly sweet and cute boyfriend is coming to visit me yay!

why am I not excited why do I not care why am I still miserable

I need to live somewhere beautiful. I need to see the ocean again.
I miss all those daydreams I used to have...
I don't know what I want, I'm so unsure, I have a plan but it's so shaky everything is uncertain no matter how hard I work and I just want to cry
because even if I am successful in everything I will still have to go through another year of school, and then its job-or-get-kicked-out of the country, and I'm just at a loss at this point I don't know how to get better at speaking, what if the rest of my life is worse what if the language barrier ruins everything I don't even know

how the fuck am I supposed to write a thesis
will I actually be able to get a job?
will I get good enough at swedish in time?
should I be doing what I'm doing? why do I feel (or not feel) like this?
I just don't KNOW what I want

I KNOW I won't be accepted to the program but I still feel like puking I'm so anxious about it

I HATE it when that obnoxious bitch goes on about her boyfriend.
I HATE whoever is behind that blog, how the fuck did they get a visa?
sometimes I hate that other girl a little just because she speaks swedish so well... HOW.

I need to see the sea again

why am I such a fucking loser
why can't I make friends, why didn't they like me? why does this still bother me so much? why can't I find anyone here who is willing to reciprocate?

I just feel so isolated and for the first time I desperately want someone to talk to/ask for advice but there is no one
I've completely lost the ability to motivate myself to do all of these things that I really don't want to do, and I can't even make myself care anymore

I'm too old/everything costs money
why don't I just roll over and die

I'm shifting between "everything is painfully boring" and "I am so desperately unhappy I feel like something is crushing my insides"
always trying to fight the "everything is pointless and I don't care" feeling

I just don't have anyone to talk to, about anything really. thank god for my parents, willing to be friends with their adult child...

I hate myself so fucking much and I am so fucking bored of everything this is pointless

and then sometimes I am so completely irritated by my boyfriend. he is so fucking naive, so negative, sometimes I want to say get OVER it! I deal w/ this shit too but I don't let it take over my life! I am sad enough without having to deal with your ish too! get over it, GROW UP because I don't want to take care of you. I will not be together long term with someone that I always have to take care of.
I worried about all of the same things a few years ago, but I got over it. fuck those people, I don't care. I don't need anyone but me and that's ok! be tough! I will always be glad to help you and talk to you and be there for you, but I have enough to deal with making  myself keep it together, I cannot function as your entire self esteem too!

oh, you dropped out of school and don't speak the language? yeah, you'll definitely get into one of norway's free universities. not like there's any competition or anything.
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK
I am so sick of looking for actual information, and all I find is a bunch of idiots being like ~lol I wanna move to Scandinavia bc of metal music/they're super liberal/hot ppl! I don't speak any of the languages tho, and I'm sure ppl who are doubting me are just haterzz!!~
that... is not helpful
or it's people who are like: "I wanted to move to sweden so I just did it yay!" and I think wtffff and then it's like oh. EU citizen. yeah, cool. (f you)

fuck I am so fucking bored and lonely
I hate myself

I have no feelings about anything. I just don't care, I'm horribly bored. I need something to want/plan/look forward to but I don't care or want anything
what is wrong with me
I'm searching for anything that will make me feel like doing something but I'm coming up blank

I am so fucking screwed I can't believe this

have I mentioned how great my parents are, I don't say it enough. I don't tell them enough.  I am not ready to go back, I am so fucking miserable and bored, I hate myself for being such a useless lazy fuck, everything seems pointless