as always, M is unbelievably adorable and I wish he could be mine

why am I not pretty/why do I have no personality

A is actually really attractive (why are they all being so nice to me)
I want to get to know M better (he's so cute so cute I cannot believe) but I don't know how... I don't know what to do with myself in any sense, all  I can think about is this stupid memo I can't come up with a topic

It's really nice to just talk to people.  The last few days have been very nice and I know I'm going to forget them but I don't know what else to say

I just remembered that M went on a skiing trip and that's why I haven't seen him
which makes me feel better, weirdly
this class is still terrifying but I'm only a little behind, apparently no one else knew what unitary vs. federal was either

I am so, so sad it is crushing me
there are 15 different things I have to do this is a mess
I didn't quite realize just how stupid I was until I got here
I am also so fucking pathetic
M- he’s my neighbor and he just helps me with everything and he said if there was anything I needed I could just ask-he made dinner one night and was like “oh it’s probably really bad” but it was actually so good and he was so cute and shy about it when I told him how good it was awe and he took me on a little walking tour and showed me where everything was in town and then he made hot chocolate when we came back and when we went to that party he just kind of hung out in the kitchen with me and he kept saying “wow people are really drunk!” in such a cute way somehow (his accent is so cute sometimes) and he said we can switch, one day swedish then the next day english because he has to practice (not fair he’s already fluent I have no idea how I’m going to improve my swedish…) I mean he’s cute but mostly he’s just one of those people whose mannerisms/expressions/how they are is just so endearing/adorable ;-; I think he’s out right now, he usually knocks if my door is open to say hello, and he does this adorable awkwardly hanging out in the doorway thing when he  keeps talking to me, he offered to give me one of his scarves...
I didn't really talk to him today I haven't seen anyone in my hall I don't know what to do to be friends with people, and  I sure as fuck don't know how to date someone (not like I have a chance in hell with this one)
I have no idea how I'll ever make friends I cannot believe how stupid I am this class is going to be an exercise in humiliation that I want no part of, there is no fucking way this is going to work, and no way am I going to learn this language
I just want to cry
or call my mother and then cry, but I have no idea how much that'll cost

I've been talking to Marie these past few days about things, and she said I worry to much, take too much responsibility for things, but I must! I have to plan ahead, I have to take care of my parents, I have to think about what I want in ten years because whether I get it or not depends on what I do now... I worry so much though. I just keep it to myself. I worry so much about marie too, she is getting better but she is still not well and it makes me cringe when we have to go across all the ice, she is in pain sometimes I know but I really can do nothing to help which makes me very anxious. All of the people my parents age, my parents too, are aging a bit and I feel as though I am very aware of it and I worry about things but there isn't anything I can do to help except for be sympathetic even though I am very young. but I hope so much that my parents will be able to do what they like for many years yet, as I do not look forward to the day when my dad can't do whatever he likes anymore.

ohh, I am so content to be here again. I have enjoyed this week very much, even though I haven't done anything other than curl up on the couch with otto and chiara and watch movies and eat some good food that I've missed. They make me wish I had siblings so much. or at least roommates. I just really love the whole family and I love staying there so much, ha I thought "I would marry otto just because of the in laws I would get." we went skating one day, and had sandwiches and hot chocolate just like I used to with my dad when I was little. whenever I'm traveling through dalarna and see all of the lovely little houses I can't help but imagining little children and the sort of life I could have there... I don't think about husbands and children when I am anywhere else but for some reason I can't look at one of those houses without my mind creating an image of children playing in the snow with a smiling man whose face I can't see, or taking children down to the lake to go skating and then- a family's coats and mittens in the entryway when everyone comes in to have a meal...

I feel like crying, why is this always so difficult at the last moment. I just have to remember that I adjust and forget in about a day and a half max, even though it seems horribly sad now

I just realized that I was last there five months ago? it doesn't seem like that long, this will go by in no time at all whether I like it or not.

that was so cool
and now I'm feeling hopeful again

I can't be excited.
everything depends on this, and if I screw it up I'm fucking done for

I'm so worried and stressed out I have no idea how I can make all of this work but it has to

Goals:
1. improve my Swedish
2. get a job
3. save money
4. work on ground school
5. get in shape
6. grow out my hair
7. stay in contact with people
8. do more
9. figure out what I want (long term goals)

figure out how to be less unhappy because this is crushing me right now

still really mad, yay! (I don't know why this is getting to me so bad lately)
so miserable, it doesn't seem like all of this is actually happening? I should be really excited, but I have zero long term plans, everything just seems more and more hopeless.