I have gained 4 pounds in the past month. it 2 weeks, my cellulite got 10 times worse. (NONE of me used to jiggle. now I can feel my butt move when I walk up the stairs. it's fucking disgusting.) I WILL LOSE TEN POUNDS.

v, what?

guys say that?

guys making things up, cheating, not everyone is like that?

can I just skip over everything and start being a classy adult?

is this real life?

abortion?

plan b?

slut shaming=ew

athletic, good body, religious, acting obnoxious and stupid? um, no thanks

never get upset over a guy, because he won't be upset over you.

my roomates.... really

I'm never going to be the same?

so uncomfortable. they don't want me around (watched a movie and didn't invite me).

H and K and J all love me, it would have been so bright and happy...(I miss them, their warmth. it's impossibly far away...)

once in a lifetime chance and I missed it. (will I ever find people like this again?)

I just want it to be over already. I want to go home. (it's only day one...)

I have so much to do.

they still haven't called.

I hate myself. how could I have been so fucking stupid?

can't stop eating. I want to starve, stop, rewind, and fix this whole fucking mess, but I can't.

I never noticed J all that much. now I'm reading my old entries and... I've thought about him a lot, and he seems to show up in my dreams quite frequently... can you think about someone so often and never realize it?

yesterday I was in tears, and everyone was being so kind to me (and reminding me how much I love those people), I just felt like digging my organs out with a spoon. it was very painful. today, I just feel kind of sick and anxious without a real reason to be. I miss J... I don't know why. I've never noticed, before, when he's not there, but I didn't get to say goodbye today. I just ache a little. I'll be fine.

I can't cry. I haven't cried in over a year. I feel so rotten right now, I've tried to make myself cry (you know, somehow you always feel better after a good cry), but I can't. my eyes are dry.

I just want everything to stop for a little while. I want everyone to shut up about it. can I rewind please? please? I just want to die right now.

when I think of J, and I see signs of spring, I can feel a little happiness swelling under my ribcage (thats what it feels like). but it's being crushed by all of the regret and it almost makes it a little painful.

I just keep trying, doing everything I can, but it doesn't get me anywhere. all this work, and for what? I'm so fucking sick of it.

http://imboycrazy.com/2011/02/dear-fatty/

this! this! this!

well, I don't live in a city, but I will soon enough.

the regret... it's fucking killing me.

Things I should have done:

taken choir from the beginning

taken physics

started planning for college way earlier

tried out for Jazz choir

tried out for the musical

gone on the choir trip

(and I should have gone to F's party today too)

my life would have been so much better.

I'm going to prom with J. I want to be excited, but I'm so awkward. I'm fine with guys who are very shy, or who are more outgoing than me, but J is the exact same type of just-a-little-awkward that I am and that makes it worse somehow. I'm so nervous around him and I have no reason to be... (ohmygodIamsuchafuckingidiotohwhydidInotgoonthechoirtrip?!?!X1000000000)

I don't know what to do, I have so much to do, I don't know how, I can't, I don't want to, I feel like I've lost control of things, I'm just not happy. and if I ask for help, even a little sympathy, they'll just be angry at me, because it's all my fault. and the truth is, it is my fault. I just don't know how to fix it.