I have no one to tell how miserable I am. not that I would want anyone to know. I am so so tired already. I don't know how this is going to work occasionally I feel pretty good but for the most part I am just sad, sad, sad 24/7. why am I so fucking ugly. why do I care so much about what I look like. I'm so weirdly lonely but its a little hard to connect with people here because I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I'm just totally incapable of ~~~being myself~~` (whatever that is) bc I turn into slightly different people based on location/season/the people around me etc. that's why I liked when I was in sweden this summer so much? because I actually felt like myself the whole time? I never really thought about myself  (how much I hate myself, how I'm acting,  what I'm eating...) I never once that entire month lay in bed and think "you stupid worthless fuck you are so fucking disgusting of course you humiliated yourself everyone hates you, you're so fucking annoying and always in the way, such a burden, why can't you just get over it and fucking kill yourself ......" and on and on I can't stop I always do that here but not then for some reason. I was really truly living in the moment and not analyzing things or over thinking I was living in my life instead of trying to control it looking in like a video game, I wasn't thinking about myself at all really, or punishing myself for the past, or worrying about the future. I wasn't necessarily happy, but I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't trapped in a paralyzing circle of anxiety and self hatred. I was comfortable. unemotional, but not that terrible blankness from the winter darkness (that makes me feel like a zombie or a robot. I can't even bring up enough emotion to hate myself) but more like... a clear blue sky. with some puffy clouds. so calm. and I was myself, the person I feel like I actually am, without having to think about it at all.
I'm sure it will all be different when I go back, as it will be winter which inevitably will lead to self hatred and then blankness but! maybe?

this year has been weird up and down I don't even know

why have I not finished the application what is wrong with me
I'm worried that this won't work but I really have no other options, I'm strangely ok with that currently but I'm sure to want 2 kill myself later~~~ ^-^ ~~
I want a boyfriend so so so badly sometimes
like, a cute boy who wears sweaters or glasses or has long hair (!!!!!!) please please who is sweet and kind and likes to talk to me etc etc at this point I would just settle w/ a guy who I am comfortable being around he doesn't even have to be taller than me PLEASE I WANT A BOYFRIEND

I tried so hard to be part of that, but it didn't work. all those people do is remind me of what a fucking failure I am. I have to go away so I can try and act more like me? and do something?

I ate so much today I hate it
I have to lose weight

sad again of course
lonely because everyone else has gone back already- also I'm realizing that I'll never have a real summer again... I really want to go "skinny dipping" at some point. not in a pool (gross) but in a lake or the ocean- i probably couldn't go alone though because dark water gives me the creeps. please can't this happen while I am still pretty?

I'm trying to work on my swedish again. I gave up for a little while, to be honest. it seems hopeless, and then I start going "what's the point again...?" but I cannot lose focus I have to do this.