never did get those pictures organized
I won't get anything done tomorrow with my parents around all day. I love them, but goddamn I cannot wait to leave again
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
another list of things I want to do/be that I wrote forever ago- I wish this blog would post the drafts in the order I started them.
being respected, powerful, rich, traveling, living abroad, being gorgeous in the snow, having sex with/breaking the hearts of several gorgeous young men, having a husband whom I love but am also in a very practical, mutually beneficial relationship with, having several beautiful children (sons and daughters) who will love me and also be fantastically well educated, well adjusted, stylish people even at a young age (and give me grandchildren that will also love me-I have to spread my awesomeness), have my children in sweden to avoid the humiliation that is motherhood in the US, leave some sort of legacy behind, flying machines, having an expensive wardrobe, having a fantastic home/apartment as well as a summer home, spending lots of time in the places I love with interesting people and fantastic food, being active and healthy, having long hair, creating something (cute)
I want to be someone like Yulia Tymoshenko plus a husband and children and minus the jail sentences
being respected, powerful, rich, traveling, living abroad, being gorgeous in the snow, having sex with/breaking the hearts of several gorgeous young men, having a husband whom I love but am also in a very practical, mutually beneficial relationship with, having several beautiful children (sons and daughters) who will love me and also be fantastically well educated, well adjusted, stylish people even at a young age (and give me grandchildren that will also love me-I have to spread my awesomeness), have my children in sweden to avoid the humiliation that is motherhood in the US, leave some sort of legacy behind, flying machines, having an expensive wardrobe, having a fantastic home/apartment as well as a summer home, spending lots of time in the places I love with interesting people and fantastic food, being active and healthy, having long hair, creating something (cute)
I want to be someone like Yulia Tymoshenko plus a husband and children and minus the jail sentences
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
I am so so tired but I can't sleep I am so so anxious for so many reasons I feel like I'm forgetting everything I dread coming home in the evening I dread being alone and going to bed at night I am bored out of my fucking mind, I feel like I'm going brain dead, I'm completely numb, yet even though I have nothing else to do it seems like I can get nothing done I have no idea how much time is passing I am so crushingly depressed to the point that I no longer care about anything not only do I have no motivation to do anything I have no idea what I want and cannot remember or inhabit previous versions of myself that wanted things and had goals and actually felt and thought instead of just existing.
it would help, maybe, if I could just ditch the computer completely. but half the things I need to do involve the computer in some way, but I don't want to do them, so I end up aimlessly surfing the internet and feeling like I can't do anything else because there are things that I have to do on the computer first...
I try to go to bed earlier but I just cannot fall asleep my mind will not stop I don't know why it is so FUCKING MISERABLE I HATE HATE HATE THIS SO MUCH I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY AND CONTENT AT HOME SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED BUT I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MISERABLE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
I am so so so so so lonely where is my ring if I've lost it... none of this will ever happen, it'll never work, the future is just one big boring blank and I should just kill myself now before I am bored to death I'm so worried about so many things, where I'm living next year, how does one have friends as an adult because it seems impossible. maybe this would be easier if I wasn't tiptoeing around my mother all of the time, I'm always trying not to annoy her (an impossible task, I assure you) and then I just end up hiding in my room I don't know what else to do with myself. what did I do that month in sweden? I didn't go on the computer ever, I was never alone, I was so happy (not exactly, but I was so comfortable and I was never thinking about how I was feeling) , but I can't figure out what exactly I was doing that whole time... just living, I guess. with people who liked me? it was amazing I have never really lived like that not thinking about the past or the future, no anxiety, just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it was and not even thinking about anything bigger or myself at all what did I think about? what were my daydreams? (I was living in one, I suppose) I can't remember them really, and I didn't dream much at all that I can remember, I guess I just fit where I was-
I know that it won't be like that when I go there to study. things will never be like they were this summer, but I'm desperate to get back to that place sometime somewhere in my life
it would help, maybe, if I could just ditch the computer completely. but half the things I need to do involve the computer in some way, but I don't want to do them, so I end up aimlessly surfing the internet and feeling like I can't do anything else because there are things that I have to do on the computer first...
I try to go to bed earlier but I just cannot fall asleep my mind will not stop I don't know why it is so FUCKING MISERABLE I HATE HATE HATE THIS SO MUCH I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY AND CONTENT AT HOME SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED BUT I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MISERABLE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
I am so so so so so lonely where is my ring if I've lost it... none of this will ever happen, it'll never work, the future is just one big boring blank and I should just kill myself now before I am bored to death I'm so worried about so many things, where I'm living next year, how does one have friends as an adult because it seems impossible. maybe this would be easier if I wasn't tiptoeing around my mother all of the time, I'm always trying not to annoy her (an impossible task, I assure you) and then I just end up hiding in my room I don't know what else to do with myself. what did I do that month in sweden? I didn't go on the computer ever, I was never alone, I was so happy (not exactly, but I was so comfortable and I was never thinking about how I was feeling) , but I can't figure out what exactly I was doing that whole time... just living, I guess. with people who liked me? it was amazing I have never really lived like that not thinking about the past or the future, no anxiety, just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it was and not even thinking about anything bigger or myself at all what did I think about? what were my daydreams? (I was living in one, I suppose) I can't remember them really, and I didn't dream much at all that I can remember, I guess I just fit where I was-
I know that it won't be like that when I go there to study. things will never be like they were this summer, but I'm desperate to get back to that place sometime somewhere in my life
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