I think I just need to be left alone to cry for a while. I haven't in forever
I feel like all of these worries and bad feelings are trapped inside but I can't remember what they are so I am just poisoned and sick and I can't do anything about it except try to forget them again instead of half remembering
I need to go up to the pass, and crevasse moraine
I need to see my friends again, a lot, make plans for all week
I need to send packages, fix my phone
I need to fix the textbook situation...?
I need to study more
sleep more
read more
create more
organize
reduce
plan

I'm just always so unhappy and I don't know why

omfg I am so sad upset scared stressed out rn
and I fucking hate that I can't post whatever I want on tumblr anymore
why am I so ugly and stupid :C I love my friends and family but they always make me feel this way
I should have gone to bed forever ago I was tired but now I can't get off of tumblr

yeah so mom isn’t going to be back for xmas

and nobody’s saying it, but grandpa may pass away and then she would stay to plan the funeral and all too

so I’m gonna be stuck here by myself all break…. I better make a lot of plans or I’ll go crazy

no one knows/has planned the family gathering, and none of those idiots would drive all the way out here if I organized it—I might do it anyways if no one else will

I feel completely hopeless and useless. I have no motivation to do anything and I don't really care. I can't fall asleep at night, I can't wake up in the morning, I can't do anything other than sit around all day doing NOTHING. part of me knows that its just the dark that is doing this to me but for the most part I just hate myself for being so weak and pathetic.
I want to go back. the last three months I was actually happy most of the time, for the first time since I was little. I think it was having something to do every day that I didn't hate, and I was never alone, and there was always a full day of sunlight...

ok, so I need to lose at least 20 pounds.

how did this happen? what is wrong with me?

and I still can't write this paper.. it's due in two days

I have had forever to get this stuff done, I'm pathetic.

and then sometimes I hate H. so much. when I think of the cowardly little face she makes when anyone mentions anything that is remotely political or even the tiniest bit controversial. I feel like I cannot have an adult conversation with her. she is just so sheltered and stupid and she never makes the slightest attempt to educate herself or form her own opinions in any way. nothing makes me angrier than someone who doesn't care, or blatantly allows other people to think for them, and somehow thinks they're above everyone else. she just does the equivalent of covering her ears and singing whenever she thinks I'm saying anything important like I'm going to corrupt her or something. it's not like I'm an opinionated person (except in my head), I keep those sorts of things to myself, and if I do happen to comment, no one ever listens to me anyways... so much hate I want to scream and scream and scream 

I still want to fly. still. but how?

yep, I have definitely gained weight, even more. the better I do on my diet it seems the worse I look. I know I'm not eating too little... I used to enjoy food so much and I really can't anymore. not that I would be able to at school anyways. I am so so so so so sick of the food there. sometimes I just don't eat because I don't want any of it, it's that bad. it can't be good for me to eat the same things over and over again, can it? and I can't run because of my stupid legs... I miss it. it was the only daydreaming time I had here, but it hurts so bad even when I walk too much now. 

yeah, so I don't have any friends. most of the time I don't care,  but when I go on facebook it sucks. M seems to have made some great friends at her school, how does she do it? I don't understand. I mean, I have H, and I love her, but I was hoping for some new friends. you know, like everyone says you're supposed to make in college. god, everything everyone told me was complete bullshit, I mean, I kind of already knew, that but still. "you'll miss home! it will be so hard to adjust! you'll have to do everything yourself!" um, does everyone else have a maid or something? literally, the only things that have changed coming here are I don't have to clean the bathroom or cook anymore. "the classes will be sooo  challenging!" um, not really. same old shit as high school. lecture,notes,essay-I-have-no-clue-how-to-write-so-I-just-make-shit-up,lecture,notes,test,repeat. "you'll make sooo many new friends, there will be such a diverse group of people there!" lol no. why I ever believed this shit I don't know. and diversity? by that do you mean a bunch of california kids who all look, dress, act, and talk exactly the same? I wish I was exaggerating. I mean, I always thought the california stereotypes were just that, stereotypes. but oh my god, the people at this school exemplify them to a t. this place is more stereotypically high school than my high school..." you don't need to know what you want to do yet..." ok just shut the fuck up now. 

looking at facebook always makes me feel like ripping my fingernails off. It just kills me that I will never be successful in any sense of the word, and there are so many things I want to do... oh well, I'm stuck now. 

once again, here I am, with not a fucking clue how to write this fucking essay. 

I wish that I could split myself into two different people so I could beat myself to death

saw SB in the dining hall just now when I went to get water. with a group of people, sitting next to a pretty girl (of course) and smiling at her in that sweet way.

what am I doing? hiding in my room reading a book for history. I feel pathetic. I miss having a big group of friends, everyone is so segregated here.

some of my friends here follow me on tumblr. it's horrible! I don't know what to do! tumblr used to be a comfortable, safe place where I could say whatever I wanted and never think about other people but I can't anymore! and I can't block them, and if I make a new blog I'll lose all of the ones I'm following now... ugh ugh ugh I don't know what to do and

i feel like I've lost my safe haven or something....

I am getting fat my stomach is just one big roll of fat my tights make a bulge in my middle I am panicking

and then some days, the simple fact that I exist is humiliating.

I've gained even more weight. I feel disgusting. I've been doing pretty well on my diet, and working out every day, but it doesn't seem to help at all. I just keep getting worse. I miss being thin. I miss almost being able to wrap my hands around my waist. I miss how my stomach would sink in when I lay down, how weird it looked because my hipbones stuck out so far. I miss tights not cutting into me at all, I miss never having any bulges or worrying about where my waistband sat. I miss trying on whatever I wanted because it would never be too small. I'm afraid that I will never be that thin again without starving myself, and I will just be gross for the rest of my life. why didn't I pay attention then? I took it for granted, and in such a short time it's gone.

watching top gun... I love this movie, but it makes me want to throw up. or throw myself out the window or something. I want to fly so badly. more than anything else...

this blog hasn't been a very chronological? diary lately. I have been posting on tumblr too much. but people actually read that one, so sometimes I write stuff here. most everything I wrote about my first few months of school are on tumblr.

I have definitely gained weight since I got here. there are rolls of fat that bulge over my waistband when I sit down. I work out every day, I eat very, very carefully (no meat or cheese, very little dairy, very low carb), I am trying (with limited success) to cut out sweets completely, and I drink a LOT of water. I eat well all day, but in the evenings I am just so fucking hungry that I can't help it, I eat more after dinner. I go to bed at 11, I can barely get out of bed at nine, I wake up in the middle of the night horribly thirsty (I have never had problems sleeping through the night before), I am eating better and I am more active than I have ever been before, and I am gaining weight. what the fuck is wrong with me? my thighs rub together, there is a thick layer of fat over my ribs, and my stomach sticks out so far it's fucking repulsive. what am I doing wrong?

I am really fucking sick of working my ass off and getting no results. for almost two years now, I have been watching what I eat, and recently I've been working out every day. for the past four months, I ran 2.5 miles every day, but I had to stop yesterday because my legs hurt so bad. I think I'm getting shin splints or something, and I don't want to fuck up my legs permanently, so....

but I am so sick of working out all the time and thinking about everything I eat and not eating sweets and I got FATTER. I GAINED weight. what the fuck? and it certainly isn't muscle. it is in the form of a belly pooch, jiggly thighs, and ten tons of cellulite in my ass. my clothes are tighter. my stomach sticks out and there are these little fat rolls... fucking repulsive. I just want to be able to wear whatever I want. the whole time I have been at college I have been on an almost vegan diet, ballet twice a week, running every morning, biking every evening, walking tons every day and NOTHING has changed. of course, now I can't run, so I'm completely fucked. what am I going to do?

oh and my HAIR. I have been growing it out since sixth grade and it isn't even waist length yet. what the fucking hell? I want long hair, god fucking damnit. I take such good care of my hair and it STILL doesn't grow. that's why I'm never cutting it! it would never fucking grow back!

fitness plan

1700 calories/day
work out at least 5 days a week
workouts no longer than 45 mins (jump rope/strength exercises)
no eating after 9:00 pm
start going to bed earlier again
get up at 8:00

I'll ride my bike as much as I want though

I have watched FIVE episodes of supernatural today. this is bad. really bad. I am way too invested in this show.

so I'm sort of terrified of going to school now. it is so flat there. so flat. what if there aren't any people I like there? how can there be, when there are no mountains? of course, I'm going there, but.

I think that anyone who doesn't love the mountains couldn't possibly understand me. that sounds weird, but I just can't really relate to someone who doesn't love the wilderness in some way.

my goals

be a mermaid

be a bird

be a surgeon

be an engineer

fly fighter jets

fly helicopters

dance ballet

be able to sing perfectly

learn ballroom dancing

become fluent in Swedish (so I can read the moomin books in their original language)

collect all of the my little ponies

be lady lovely locks (dye my hair)

be a disney princess

join starfleet

captain my own ship

be a theater tech major (and be a costumer for something awesome)

be in a musical

pierce my lip

go somewhere with a beach (white sand and warm water!)

skydiving

travel to china and korea

find the best vintage shops in seattle/portland

get a job

get thinner

summer rainstorm

water is pouring out of the sky. it's hailing too, the ice hitting the deck makes a fizzy sound. it smells delicious, and I want to eat the hail but it's so warm that they melt in my hands.

and then the sun came out! the trees are all glittery, against a gray sky.

most everyone was gone for solo and ensemble today. when I saw H at play practice, she said "I missed you! there was an A shaped hole in my day! probably not a good thing, you know, being that dependent..."

it was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me. I love my friends.

last night after rehersal we (J, JT, H, and K) went to fiesta's. we ate and then talked for hours, and the conversation went (as it often does late at night when you talk for too long) around to religion. H said that she would never marry someone who wasn't Christian. J tries to argue with her (he loves philosophy) and fails (of course) against the "this is what I think, I don't care about anything else lalalalala" brand of religious argument. it was interesting; I have so much to say but I am afraid of H not liking me (why do I want her approval so much?) and K was there (she's even worse) so I didn't talk like I should have. why? I always end up looking stupid.

I like J so much and I don't think he has any idea... maybe he even thinks I don't like him... (so not true J, I adore you, don't think I'm to good for you, never think anyone is too good for you. you are wonderful and there are plenty of people who see that, don't settle for less) I kind of avoid him, almost, because I act like such an idiot around him, but I just want him to know that I think he's a great person, really. I just... want him, just for a little while.

oh god, now I feel fucking SICK. why do I do this to myself? why do I torture myself? there is nothing I can do, there is no way I can get it back, the rest of it is ending now.

I just like him better than all the others. I think he's just right, exactly how he is. I want him to be happy.

I feel sick, I feel like I'm going to cry, something is clawing at me and it won't let go, no matter what decision I make I think it's the wrong one, time is ticking down all too fast and I only have a few days left until it ends forever. I won't miss it though, right? that last bit of childhood? there will be others like him, right? please tell me there will be, please say there will be others that will make me forget him entirely, that are just as wonderful in their own way.

I adore that boy... and no matter how hard I try to ignore it I think it's clouding my judgement.

nearly every single post for the past two months has something about J. what the fuck, I'm pathetic.

I. HAVE. TO. LOSE. WEIGHT.

what was I thinking? what was I thinking? why why why am I so stupid I always make a fool of myself there is no way he could like me at all when did that happen? can we rewind and do the whole thing over? I will be better this time, I'll try I'll try.

where should I go? I'm torn, torn, torn. I don't know, I'll make the wrong decision.

prom was lovely. it was such fun to go with J, I hope he had fun too... there are pictures of me that don't make me want to cry! I danced the whole time, and was reminded again how much I love my friends. I danced with J and it wasn't too awkward actually it was nice, just to hold him for a little while (he asked me, too. he was so nice about staying with me, even though I told him he was welcome to go dance when I was taking a break). does he like me at all, or is he just being nice? the more time I spend around him, the more I like him, but he most likely feels the opposite about me... I'm kind of (well completely) boring (we didn't talk much during dinner). but all in all, it was a teenage dream.

there will be boys like J in college, right? please?

a brief but torrid love affair

dear J:

I just want to touch you and hold you and have you be mine for just a little while. I want to go to the movies with you and have interesting conversations with you and ride bikes with you and go to the river and wander around the pass and go to the ocean with you and go swimming and stay up late and watch the stars with you and sleep with you and watch the sun rise with you (sun rises are so much better than sunsets, you know) and then we can go off to college and turn into adults and never see each other again, and that's alright with me, I won't ask anything of you when summer ends, I only hope that you might feel the same sort of way.

(And when I say "I love you"- don't be afraid. It doesn't mean I think we should be together forever, I don't want your total devotion. All I'm saying is that I think you're a wonderful, lovely person really, I just want to remind you because I think you forget sometimes. )

the school I want to go to doesn't offer engineering fuck what am I going to do but I wasn't really sure I wanted to do engineering anyways, but what the fuck else am I going to do? fuck if I'm going to get some useless degree and be poor and jobless, but I'd end up that way with all the majors except for premed and prelaw which I'm sure I don't want to do... what the fuck do I do?!!?!?!?

I don't want to be gone all summer

I AM SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER I JUST CANT BELIEVE IT

i need to go see that movie

and make plans for a grad party/ my birthday party/ going away party

plans for summer (galadarling's list! the sea! I'm yearning for it)

its snowing today, a lot.. its so warm outside! yesterday I went out without a coat..

dye my hair

breakfast!!!

the trip was fun, I loved my roomates, decided to stop trying to be friends with K, M, and S. oh well. I had a lot to say but I've mostly forgotten it now, that's life I suppose.

planning for prom has been a complete nightmare. I don't really know what we're going to do... J and I went to buy tickets today (I just like him more and more...)

I'm probably going to U of O.

I have gained 4 pounds in the past month. it 2 weeks, my cellulite got 10 times worse. (NONE of me used to jiggle. now I can feel my butt move when I walk up the stairs. it's fucking disgusting.) I WILL LOSE TEN POUNDS.

v, what?

guys say that?

guys making things up, cheating, not everyone is like that?

can I just skip over everything and start being a classy adult?

is this real life?

abortion?

plan b?

slut shaming=ew

athletic, good body, religious, acting obnoxious and stupid? um, no thanks

never get upset over a guy, because he won't be upset over you.

my roomates.... really

I'm never going to be the same?

so uncomfortable. they don't want me around (watched a movie and didn't invite me).

H and K and J all love me, it would have been so bright and happy...(I miss them, their warmth. it's impossibly far away...)

once in a lifetime chance and I missed it. (will I ever find people like this again?)

I just want it to be over already. I want to go home. (it's only day one...)

I have so much to do.

they still haven't called.

I hate myself. how could I have been so fucking stupid?

can't stop eating. I want to starve, stop, rewind, and fix this whole fucking mess, but I can't.

I never noticed J all that much. now I'm reading my old entries and... I've thought about him a lot, and he seems to show up in my dreams quite frequently... can you think about someone so often and never realize it?

yesterday I was in tears, and everyone was being so kind to me (and reminding me how much I love those people), I just felt like digging my organs out with a spoon. it was very painful. today, I just feel kind of sick and anxious without a real reason to be. I miss J... I don't know why. I've never noticed, before, when he's not there, but I didn't get to say goodbye today. I just ache a little. I'll be fine.

I can't cry. I haven't cried in over a year. I feel so rotten right now, I've tried to make myself cry (you know, somehow you always feel better after a good cry), but I can't. my eyes are dry.

I just want everything to stop for a little while. I want everyone to shut up about it. can I rewind please? please? I just want to die right now.

when I think of J, and I see signs of spring, I can feel a little happiness swelling under my ribcage (thats what it feels like). but it's being crushed by all of the regret and it almost makes it a little painful.

I just keep trying, doing everything I can, but it doesn't get me anywhere. all this work, and for what? I'm so fucking sick of it.

http://imboycrazy.com/2011/02/dear-fatty/

this! this! this!

well, I don't live in a city, but I will soon enough.

the regret... it's fucking killing me.

Things I should have done:

taken choir from the beginning

taken physics

started planning for college way earlier

tried out for Jazz choir

tried out for the musical

gone on the choir trip

(and I should have gone to F's party today too)

my life would have been so much better.

I'm going to prom with J. I want to be excited, but I'm so awkward. I'm fine with guys who are very shy, or who are more outgoing than me, but J is the exact same type of just-a-little-awkward that I am and that makes it worse somehow. I'm so nervous around him and I have no reason to be... (ohmygodIamsuchafuckingidiotohwhydidInotgoonthechoirtrip?!?!X1000000000)

I don't know what to do, I have so much to do, I don't know how, I can't, I don't want to, I feel like I've lost control of things, I'm just not happy. and if I ask for help, even a little sympathy, they'll just be angry at me, because it's all my fault. and the truth is, it is my fault. I just don't know how to fix it.

I need to:

lose weight (I have to lose at least seven pounds. hopefully a little more)

drink more water

take better care of my skin

sleep more (go back to 10:30!)

eat better

spend less time on the computer (need to find some other things to do)...

clean out my closet!

I almost asked J if he wanted to go to prom with me today. We were sitting in the back with a bunch of people after the choir performance, listening to the band. He was asking me why I wasn't going on tour with them (and he seemed so disappointed that I wasn't) and I could have just asked him "hey, do you have any plans for prom?" and asked if he wanted to come with me, and that I could pay for my own ticket and his too, if he wanted (he said earlier that he probably wasn't going to go earlier this year because it was too expensive. I have money! I can pay for everything! but I'm the girl, so it has to be awkward) and I'm about 95% sure that he would say yes. It makes me so happy to see him and talk to him, and I feel so comfortable around him even though I don't know him that well. he always seems genuinely happy to see me too... I wonder if he thinks the same things about me.

If you are reading this, you should comment on this post. Tell me about yourself, or something else, or anything, really. (I know no one will comment on this, but apparently 114 people have looked at my blog... maybe someone will say something?)

so much snow today! it is so warm now, warm enough to bring the big, fluffy kind of snows. spring is definitely on it's way.

I watched that movie, les egares. nothing really happened in it and it was very long, yet I watched the whole thing straight through without distractions, and when it ended, I was surprised. I thought about it all day today. definitely one I need to buy. as is Amelie! I adore that movie.

I'm obsessed with the idea of a personal scent. I want a scent that isn't overwhelming: something you don't notice unless you're very close to me. Something that lingers in my clothing and possessions when I'm not there. I want a fragrance that will instantly bring memories of me to someone's mind. If I was very very rich, I would have a perfume made just for me, so I would be the only person in the world who smelled just like that.

S sat next to me again in third period. (I don't think I've written about him before. he is actually very cute... I really enjoy talking to him) he always says the most adorable things. today he was talking about how excited he was to go to tie kwan do, and teach the little kids. I talked about doing karate, and how I really wanted to learn how to fight. and he said "not to be, sexist, or anything, but I think it's really cool when a girl wants to be able to fight and stuff, you know?"

which made me smile, you know. I mean, it didn't really make sense. just the fact that he would care, no, that he's actually aware that sexism exists and doesn't say something stupid about it, just makes me like him so much more.

I will:
go to coldstone today
make cookies with m&ms in them
make something involving red velvet cake
make a chocolate bunt cake
go buy those shoes
wear high heels more often
marshmallows
order prom dress
plan my trip to korea/china




icky things:
try and find my ring
hopefully find and retype my history paper
finish all my college app paperwork (apply to idaho/ fairbanks, send scores, pay fees)
grandma's petticoats? and shoes from ayla
make appointment to get hair cut

I forgot. I forgot about the dance, and everybody went, it seems. No one thought to call me. I'd like to be included, for once in my life. Not just invited but wanted. I want people who will miss me when I'm not there, and notice me when I am. I keep telling myself that it will happen sometime, but I know that's probably a lie. Why am I so invisible to people?

I've got to lose some weight. my legs are gross, and my stomach isn't perfectly flat anymore. I haven't ever lost weight, I just gained as I grew up. I was in such good shape from horseback riding, and I took it for granted. I want to lose 6 pounds (so I'll always be 130 or under). I don't think I would look too great if I lost 10... I would probably have no boobs at all. I want twig legs, but I don't want those scary looking arms... is there a way I can move some fat from my thighs to my chest? I wish...

why haven't there been any student protests here? it costs far more to go to school here in the US, but no one seems to care. I'm so angry, about so many things. I want to run and scream and smash things...that's why peaceful protests become violent I suppose.

the protesters in Egypt: I admire them. they are angry and they are doing something about it.

all the apologizing, we're terrible, worthless...because I think I am a beautiful thing, amazing, wonderful, and I think the world is a beautiful, amazing, wonderful place and living things in general are wonderful and there shouldn't be all these rules about this and that, it doesn't matter

I have no higher calling, I am living to be myself and enjoy being alive, there shouldn't be any rules about who you can love or what is proper behavior; my purpose as a woman is not to take care of my husband, nor to bear children, there should be no "purpose as a woman", purpose as anything, my purpose is to be my own person

bottom line is: fuck you and your religion.

Ah! I was so happy! I went to the gym, saw some cute guys, packed a delicious lunch, and danced around the kitchen a bunch. I was going to spend a couple minutes on tumblr, and

putting down ORGANIZATIONS vs. people
religion is a CHOICE. sexuality/gender what have you are NOT. no one should be persecuted on the basis of their religion, but other people can judge them based on what they CHOOSE to believe and say.

why why why It's 3am and I'm still awake, I have so much to do, ugh. I need to work out more, lose weight. I haven't been exercising, and I ate all this junk at the movies today.... people tell me that I have such a good body all the time, my friends are jealous (not in a mean way) but I hate it. my entire lower half is disproportionately large. I want to be thin. I don't care, I want to have twig legs. but I also don't want to be flat chested. and I also want to eat jelly beans. I'm so hungry all the time. like something is twisting my insides, making me feel hollow and dizzy sort of hunger. why? I think I eat way too much, but I'm always, always hungry.

I want to run and scream and hurt people. I want to shake the world, make them take me seriously, make them listen and pay attention to me. I want to be crazy, I want to climb that mountain, swim across that lake, travel the world alone, fly that helicopter, fly fighter jets, go faster than sound. I want to wear what I want, go where I want, and say exactly what I think, and not care about offending people. you're fucking stupid! thats the bottom line! let go of me! they don't care about offending me, they don't care about me at all. they ignore me and laugh at me and always make me feel less and I want them to die for it. even now, I feel like there are all these walls and rules and restrictions preventing me from doing what I want. I want to do everything, I want to know everything. I want to always, always ask questions. and I want real answers, not the bullshit they feed you. so I'm a "sensitive" liberal, right? yeah, thinking equality is important and actually, you know, giving at fuck about other people does not make me "sensitive". I like things like logic and reason, but you know, I hate religious people. I just have the decency not to show it: in reality, I'm an insensitive, intolerant asshole, I just happen to be a little smarter than you (and therefore aware of my faults), so get the fuck over yourselves.

Dear Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: FUCK. YOU.

"christian" or "ordinary christian" are not "political views". are you people just stupid, or what? oh wait, I just answered my own question.

Your "political views" should also not read something like this: "Please. WE dont need them, we should love everyone and not put us all in catagories." wow. how about you get the fuck over yourself and be aware of the real world. (ps: there are a lot of people whose "political opinions" directly oppose this, so you aren't exactly being neutral)

history paper
switch SAT II
study for SAT II
finish Rensselaer app
SAT scores to rensselaer?
finish other college apps
AP/IB tests
work out more
prom dress?
why oh why oh why did I not go on the music trip?!?!?