ok well now I have failed at, well everything
actually
but I don't even care anymore?

I feel awful. I just feel so awful. I can't stop crying all day. saw L, for the first time in a month, he hugged me and seemed to want to say something, so I waited, but nothing. what could he say anyway? why do I feel so stupid/awful about this? I HAVE to finish my thesis. I have to have SOMETHING can't I have just this ONE thing fuck I hate myself

anxious about my horrid fucking skin
missing class tommorrow
can't sleep (bc of the FUCKING GODDAMN RAIN and it never gets fucking dark enough) and have to get up very early tomorrow
why did seeing my ex today make me feel so anxious
how the fuck am I going to get all this done
that fucking dream where they took my passport is STILL in the back of my mind
this fucking invoice thing, bunch of fucking cheats I'm not going to pay a fucking CENT FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT COUNTRY
why can't I stop thinking about L why does it make me so fucking anxious

I still miss L so much. We broke up in October, and still…. I just want to hug him again and see his smile again I miss so much his kindness and the way he always made me happy in some way even if he was annoying me… I miss those evenings making dinner together and eating candy and being so happy to have someone feel like home to come back to.

I shouldn’t have broke up with him I should have just told him the truth. But what was the truth? “I’m afraid to meet your family, I feel odd around your friends, you spend too much time playing video games and not enough time studying and I can’t be anxious for your future as well as mine, we can’t be together all the time and there’s no reason to feel bad about that- how should it work anyway? we need to DO more go out more and you need to stop worrying, stop getting so upset, and stop getting annoyed with me for being anxious or bringing up issues I have that you think reflect badly on you, which is maybe why I broke up with you, because I couldn’t take another one of those stupid, awful fights that just ends with a lot of hurt feelings and resentment and no progress….”

I became... aware, walking down the side of a highway and an airfield that resembled merril (although that didn't register) then I was in town and went straight into the building (I knew somehow). but wait, where was I going? and where was I? I must be taking to train back from stockholm, it was only 9:15 in the morning, and I wasn't in uppsala either. I thought about looking at my phone for the map and then realized- I am in anchorage. after a moment of panic over how I could possibly get back, as there are no trains across the ocean, I absently realized I was dreaming, and wandered outside to see anchorage (as I'm not sure when I will be there next) I wasn't sure where to go, and thought maybe I could see grandma ellie... this is a dream, so maybe I can think of her and she will appear in these people walking towards me. the sidewalk became immensely wide with many many people walking along the woods and highway- I was walking towards a giant bridge, and a turning kaleidoscope made of flowers (nothing like it in anchorage but it still was, as dreams are) but I didn't see her. presently a group of people came along, my mom's family and my cousin, my aunt kathy, maybe a few others. they stopped around me and were talking and laughing but not listening to me, could not explain the giant kaleidoscope. and I started to cry, about not going back to alaska, and not seeing grandma ellie....  I couldn't picture her house for some reason, although maybe I still wouldn't have been able to find her, as everyone there in my dream is still living...