I have no friends. that's what this holiday always reminds me of. no friends, and no future. see if I had some sort of prospects, something to do, something to work towards, then I would be fine without friends. but no, I have nothing.

I want to die. I've completely fucking wasted my life so far, haven't had a damn bit of fun, have absolutely fucking NOTHING to show for it, no one wants me, and now the lines on my face are getting worse I want to fucking kill myself.

I just want to fall in love. I'm a girl... a young woman maybe? aren't I supposed to do that all the time? it's just never happened... maybe I could have loved that last one in some alternate, but now I've given up- I'm not allowing myself the interest because he's such a mess (and it wouldn't work even if he wasn't, so). I need to stop caring about people who don't return the favor/don't need/want/ask...

you know what, fuck these people. I can't stand being nice anymore. I'm not going to that party, I'll stay here and work on my thesis or art projects or daydream about what I would study if I did a PhD. I just have to be patient for next weekend when I will be seeing lovely people who actually want me around and don't make me feel so fucking small/pathetic/anxious. I only HAVE to see my classmates 4 more times technically so, whatever.

I'm so... mad. really, I wouldn't mind just sleeping with him, but it hasn't even gotten that far. This not-answering-messages thing is just rude. I just don't understand what he is getting out of it, I am bored with the whole thing and I don't want to talk about it, but it STILL makes me fucking ANXIOUS. I'm irritated that I have allowed such a waste of time on nothing. I wish I could just leave and never see these people again.
why am I still so fucking miserable and anxious, I feel better for a while but it is like it's still there, waiting under the surface so I can never relax

there is a couple sitting and studying together one table over- he has the same blond hair, same build as L, which is a little stab in the first place... he is laying down and looking up at her, hand resting on her arm, and she is smiling and looking down at him, talking, about nothing in particular I think. it hurts so much I miss L so much I want that.

I have so many dreams about water
which behaves in a different way
like the rock falls, fish bubbling out in the water over, to have a look at us, that massive, prehistoric eel creature almost breaking the surface...
like the dream last night, great sheets of ice and orca whales , their teeth sharp and their turning movements pulling me along until I became afraid and hauled myself out onto a floe like I had become a seal...

I want to die I want to die, I want to die
I don't want to be around anyone
I will be getting up very very early these days
(I just have to get this thesis done and then I am checking the fuck out of this place)