we might actually be going?
so I have three months to get in shape (fuck like that's going to happen)--try and audit the kickboxing course and bike all of the time bc it will be rainy less, hopefully eating less/better bc of the smaller meal plan.
I haven't worked anything out, I haven't really talked to my parents at all I am still so so tired all the time I can't figure out why I thought I would have recovered by now. I had so much motivation, so much hope and the drive to make it happen, where did it all go? I'm pathetic but I don't even care right now it all seems so far away

I'm stuck. too far south,and I hate myself and everyone around me because I cannot tolerate temperatures over 65 degrees, too far north and I stop caring about anything because the dark makes me horribly depressed.

I feel trapped here, kind of like I did at home. my life is too easy, it's comfortable and enjoyable but utterly mundane. I feel like I need to get out of here and do something or I never will. I'm only staying here for what seems like superficial reasons, and I will have nothing to show for it at the end. so completely, horribly boring, and I will just graduate and go on to live a poor, lonely, and pointless life in a string of dead end jobs that are always temporary because I am always looking for something else.

I need a university that has good academics, a decent reputation, majors i'm interested in, is close to a flight school, has the option to study abroad in iceland and/or sweden and teaches one of those languages, and is CHEAP or they give out lots of scholarships to transfer students. I would prefer that it is not too far south, and that there are some mountains, and I would love it if it was by the sea. the university I am at fits all of these criteria, with the exception of cheap. which is completely and 100% my fault and I will never stop kicking myself for it.

I think that just maybe I'll be able to make this happen
don't quite know how it'll all work out, but I am tentatively hopeful?

as cheesy as it sounds I feel like I am not realizing my full potential here
like, at all in ANYTHING

I don't know how to make this work
I'm pretty sure I've already irrevocably screwed up everything

oh gosh I just don't like myself at all it's actually kind of funny
can I be someone better please