dear god I am so unhappy
so lonely and afraid

so, there do need to be changes made to immigration policies and how immigrants are treated in sweden (and I would include education about racial issues and inclusiveness for native swedes in this too). However, the only people who are saying anything about it are the crazy right wing racist parties. which means no other party is even going to touch the issue, and if they do, they will either try to do the exact opposite of the right wing parties or they will not have any solutions for the problems arising, only "lets distance ourselves from these people as much as possible!" because talking about race/cultural differences/immigration IN ANY CONTEXT automatically means that someone is going to get accused of being racist. so the only people who are saying anything about these issues are the crazy racist people! UGH

everyone graduating (in gowns)
pictures of C, looking lovely and happy and grown up with her perfect boyfriend (and perfect life in general)
people still in Uppsala, have been for the whole year, having a wonderful time and having a great group of friends (while I've been miserable and alone in this horrid town. somehow managed to avoid being bothered by this until now)
people saying how much they will miss their ~college years (these have been some of the most miserable of my life)
BUT
I talked to my mom and she said she was thinking we should have a family gathering to celebrate my birthday/graduation (yes!!) and that we should have a little birthday for me and my boyfriend (our bdays are only a few days apart) while we're in seattle, so I could pick a restaurant
which means after several years of not really celebrating my birthday (it's always during finals week so) there will be like 4 times if I celebrate here with friends, and then with my boyfriend and family, and then if we did my little plan of just going to grandma's and baking a cake one afternoon~ (we always have carrot cake, it's tradition. and my grandma would love to help C:)

Sweden:
so, huge numbers of refugees- huge increase in violent crime. people feel unsafe, continue to have racist prejudice-because most of this is perpetuated in immigrant areas. why is this? poverty leads to crime. why are people poor? they do not speak any european languages and they have no education. so.... what to do?
I understand not wanting to assimilate, but this is the 21st century. if your culture still involves violence towards women and severe male entitlement, then it needs to change, full stop. especially in the context of living in a country which is fully providing education and all necessities for free at the cost of the taxpayers.
also, if someone who is not a citizen of a country commits a serious crime in that country (rape, murder) they should be deported without question regardless of origin.

and I'm still sad all the time
but sometimes I'm happy, because I just think about my boy, and I'm just so glad that I have him
and it's just really nice to think sometimes that even if I don't have any big things to look forward to, I can look forward to spending more time together

I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do this
I am too stupid
also terrified that I've gained weight again wheee!!

I am so miserable and bored and sad
it isn't going away
my motivation never came back
I have no idea what L is even like he just annoys me
I just don't care about anything and I can't figure out why i am so unhappy