I'm so miserable it's crushing me wtf is wrong with me

I'm so miserable and fucking gross that I'll never make any friends there even if I wasn't going in the middle of the year. I'll never learn this fucking language because I'm too lazy and stupid. I don't know what to do about the whole internship thing, I don't have a clue what my chances are but I don't want to miss out on an opportunity just because of my desperation to get out of here.

1. ooohh how facebook makes me hate everyone and myself
2. couldn't things just work out for once?
3. I am so alone, really I hate this
4. I am at home with nothing to do for the next 2 months= severe depression yay
5. some things are just not fucking fair

Now I feel like I will never learn the language, and at the same time I am desperate to succeed at it. I want to stay there and not have to come back.

I've only been home for a day and already I've fallen into the dreaded internet-black-hole. I went an entire month without it, happily, and all of a sudden I'm sucked in again. I am so, so, so fucking miserable here. It's like all the times I've been depressed have added up and I can't be here without it sucking me under again. I'm already tired, I've run out of things to do, so I end up staring at the computer- it's horrible. none of the music is any good there's never anything interesting my eyes hurt but I'm dreading trying to go to sleep; I'll lie there for hours hating myself while my imagination does the worst possible things. no matter how far I think I've come, it's like I revert to a former version of myself and I can't stop it. I'm so so so lonely and bored and absolutely listless I can't do anything except feel fatter and fatter and somehow remember all of the times in my life when I was feeling the worst. I can't get away from this pattern I feel like I can't change it it's just the same every time and it's fucking killing me. When I was away, I felt like myself, comfortable where I was... I know it won't be the same when I go back in winter. maybe it was just some weird trick, I was like a different version of myself (a natural progression, I thought- maturation+happiness= a better me) and didn't even notice until I got back here and was rudely awakened... I thought I would be "starting a new chapter" but I'm not. here I am, my room's a mess because I had some plan to get rid of everything again and got overwhelmed halfway through, spent forever looking for decent music and found none, only to have it disintegrate into me aimlessly surfing the internet because I'm too tired to think properly but not nearly tired enough to sleep and I'm dreading it.

ok I feel like I need to lose weight again. I have about 5 months to eat as little as possible before I go abroad. it's easier to eat healthier there, their food is better and more filling. I was so comfortable and content there... 5 months seems like a long time until I go back. (at least it shouldn't be too hard not to eat much as sometimes I feel like there's no food I like here!) I just feel gross. gross gross gross I want to go back to where I was actually ok with myself. it was weird, I went from the worst 3 months for a long time to one of the best months since I was  a child.

I miss these people already. I miss that boy, especially... so sweet and honest he always made me smile. I also miss the people I won't see again, I wish...

to do:
1. sit down and finally finish the study abroad application
2. buy a train ticket to stockholm