fuck
I fucked everything up again
everything, I am so fucking stupid

so fucking miserable today
part of the problem is that I don't know what I want
and if I do want something, I always manage to sabotage myself

so
fucking
pathetic

What was I thinking? What did I think would happen? I just want to be left alone, I am such an awful person I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry      What did I say? Of course I knew he doesn’t like me much at all but that doesn’t mean it’s nice to hear, it hurts a lot actually why? Why am I so awful, I’m just a stupid stupid child of course no one likes me. Why on earth would this be any different, I’m horrible, but why do I need this validation? I keep thinking maybe, just maybe if I had done things differently, if I hadn’t been so stupid, this would have gone differently (it wouldn’t have) always, the “what if” even if isn’t possible is going to kill me 

I feel sick so so sick and I can't even explain why 

hearing them laugh is stabbing me a little
why didn't A come and say goodnight?
more importantly why was I pathetic enough to try and stay up to wait for him?

ugh I want to cry I want to get off of this ride
I like hanging out with him a lot, I like kissing him, I care about him but I think he likes me so much more than I like him.... what was I supposed to say when he told me? not now, maybe later? not now, I'm going to see if the guy I really like likes me back and if not I'll pick you?
this is going way too fast but I can't do anything about it now, and the other knows, oh god he knows now I'm sure EVERYONE does I want to cry (I don't know why this is a bad thing but  it makes me so anxious)
I'm so distracted and I'm such a horrible person I haven't seen my other friends for days now the other teases me a bit I have no motivation to do any school work
but she likes him, that other boy I like so much and I agree with her so much and I can't lie if they got together it would kill me a little inside
but I am such a greedy horrible person why would that other boy like me anyways, and it would be so horrible to hurt the one who likes me, but I don't know I haven't figured out how I feel about this yet but sometimes  he concerns me, he's really not my "type" at all so I don't know what to do with myself but I can't do anything different  I am such a horrible horrible person help I feel sick I don't want to be here anymore I can't do this for another 4 months what is happening

miserable/anxious/horribly horribly uncomfortable
I am the worst person
haven't been in this mood for a while

maybe if he was a bit shyer, like the others. then this would feel better, less uneven

sometimes I wish I was attracted to girls- or better yet not attracted to anyone at all, and then there would be some lovely girl and we would just live in ~girl world~ all the time, and not have to deal with not being understood, being called crazy, just live in a bubble of quiet companionship and doing exactly as we pleased
girls are lovely I don't even want to think about boys half the time

1. I have issues with always being afraid that I am bothering people/in the way. It makes it difficult to be my own person and do what I actually want to do.
2. learning to not hate other girls just because that's supposedly "what girls do" has been one of the best things ever. I love my female friends, and guess what? all of those "other girls" are individual people with personalities and ideas! I refuse to dislike other girls just because of my own insecurities. girls aren't born "catty" society makes it that way. (if you disagree you can go fuck yourself)

what am I doing
what if I did that just because he asked me first? just because he likes me and no one else has? what if I like someone else better? (does the other like me at all? I think not, because I have terrible self esteem, but he seems safer somehow? but untouchable, and the first is very safe, I like him... I can't switch now, I think he likes me more than I like him, I don't want to hurt anyone) why do I have such a hard time making decisions? why do I always regret my choice? what if he's not right, what if he doesn't think the way he should, I didn't check thoroughly enough, what if he shouldn't get me? I don't want him to have me because some of the things he thinks are wrong- he doesn't want to talk about it- but I do, I always do, and I don't take kindly to being brushed off. maybe the other would tolerate it, listen even better, I don't know. but no one should "get" me, I'm not a thing, but that's the way it goes, it's so wrong all wrong and I just want to enjoy myself but I can't. I cannot. there is too much to think about and none of them (in the entire world?) will or can ever understand, I don't think. even here... I feel trapped, I don't know what I'm doing, but I have no reason to feel that way, I thought this would be different (that it would never happen) I don't trust him 100% yet so I don't know, I haven't been myself since I got here I've gone soft because it's easier here, already so far ahead of home, where is all of my meanness, I guess you can't be tough if you don't know anything (jesus I don't know anything about anything), why am I terrified that other people will know? I kiss one person and I'm terrified of being called a slut, but why? I already see the end of this, it ends with me being "crazy" (always always always) because girls are always crazy (all girls are the same you know, complicated, crazy, crazy is that even a word it makes me want to scream) and he says I'm "not like the other girls here" who doesn't want to hear that they are unique, special, different? but I want to shout "I AM like the other girls! I am not unique! they are me and I am them and if you are going to put us in a box then we all go, all of us, you can't just pick out the one you like at the moment (before she becomes one of the crazies, of course). I will always stand with ~other girls~ even if I don't like them, because if I didn't I would be betraying something, looking down on them just like the guys and I will NOT fall for that bullshit" you don't get it. I can't get a single sliver of respect, everything is determined by my looks, my relationships, I have to be so much better than a guy, just to be considered a person, and then I hear "well I think you're a person" yes well what about the rest of the goddamned world, you have no fucking clue what it's like to deal with all of this coming down on your head all of the time, what it is to be aware of the wrongs, to care about the world, to try and be a girl and keep a hold of yourself (who that is, I have no idea) none of you fucking get it. this is why I'm angry, but no one ever, ever listens. never. "you think too much" well, hooray for you, I'm glad you have the option of not thinking but it's all I have it's all I am, but then I don't speak because I don't want to make him uncomfortable (then he wouldn't kiss me again...) and I can't believe that I'm even thinking this, how did I lose my voice so quickly I am so weak
fucking hell how am I supposed to write a paper now
I am so fucking pathetic where am I

I want too much from everyone and everything and I have no right to even ask for it