I'll never get a job I won't get good grades and my GPA will drop I suck so much at dance that I will never be able to move up I spend too much time on the computer/I'm bored all of the time/I have no life/no motivation to do anything the heat makes me slow and stupid and really sleepy all the time and I'll never be able to concentrate I won't be able to figure out what to do with all of my stuff and I'll fail all of my finals I will somehow miss the deadlines for everything and not get to study abroad next year I will regret studying abroad next year and not junior year studying abroad will be terrible/depressing and I'll have to come back here the school won't accept me I will never find something to get involved with on campus/find an internship I won't get into a decent grad school I'll never live anywhere I want to I eat too much I'll never lose weight I'll be a really old virgin (I don't like any of these people) I'll never have a boyfriend I won't have a fulfilling career I'll end up trapped somewhere I'll end up working a terrible job I will never fulfill any of my dreams or meet any of my goals my life will be completely and utterly mundane I forget everything there is always something wrong with me I will never amount to anything my parents will have paid for this pointless degree for nothing I will spend another four (horribly expensive) boring years here with nothing to show for it I will never fly I will always be poor and miserable I will gain weight I will never find true friends I will always be lonely I will never stop feeling anxious other people will never take me seriously or respect me at all I will never be content I will never be happy I don't like this place or this school and I can't tell anyone I can never manage to explain myself I hate going to that class it's really hard but it's my own fault I could be spending so much more time studying but I can't make myself do it even if I could get a good job with my degree I don't know what it would be I'll never do anything fun I'll always be stuck inside am I in debt how are my parents paying for this I have to do something different I'm falling apart I don't want to do school anymore I have no motivation and I fucking hate it my classes suck I will never get any of the things I apply for and I will never do anything fun or interesting or worthwhile because I  haven't done anything fun or interesting or worthwhile

doing something just because you can't come up with anything else to do is not a good enough reason to do anything

I want to talk to someone but my friends don't want to hear it and I can't talk to my parents because they can't know how unhappy I am I really want to cry but there is no where I can go

why am I still so fucking ugly and awkward

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is no way I am getting that spot. no matter how hard I try, I won't get any of the things I apply for. I'm stupid and boring, so I will only ever get to do stupid and boring things, so shoot me now.

I am so fucking disgusting I need to lose some fucking weight. I do so well for such a long time and then mess it up (not like it makes any difference anyways wtf) when did I suddenly become such a freak?

I'm so miserable and I just can't shake it

the application is due on the 20th and I don't have my letters of recommendation yet fuck how did this happen why do I even want this so badly?

college is the most pointless thing... if (when) I end up living at home working some shitty job I'm going to kill myself. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am not going home and there is no fucking way I am staying here.

ok so I'm going to get there and they'll be like "wtf were you doing?" and they'll never take me because I've wasted all my time getting these stupid fucking gen eds out of the way.

I am so MISERABLE but it's so pretty outside it's weird. I can't concentrate when it is so nice outside, and I will be in classes back to back until 4 FUCK I HATE THIS

everyone's forgetting and I think it would be easier to just let it all pass by too but I can't there is too much to do and the sun is making me slow I have to be quick and plan and do but my mind is so hazy and sluggish I can't think

I don't want to go here anymore. I don't want to go here next year. I don't know how to make it happen.

I don't want to be a virgin anymore by the time I go abroad next year. and I really don't want to be a virgin anymore when I turn 20.

I will be in sweden for about a month this summer. I don't feel excited at all... what happened? why am I already looking to the end of things before they even start? I wanted to stay in sweden while they traveled to make it cheaper and easier for everyone but I know my mother will somehow turn it around so I am the greedy selfish one. I should be so happy but I'm not. I was so unhappy the beginning of this term and now I've just stopped caring. I don't know what to do I hate my classes I want to get out of here now

omf every time roomie talks abt how she can't believe she has a job I want to kms. I can't complain bc everyone is like "apply for a work study!!" but I would never get it fffuuuck I need a job but I have no time?? who wants to hire me to work for two hours a day??? and no one will hire you for a month and a half over the summer.

why I want $200,000:
1. pay for school
2. get my pilot's license
3. start my own business

ok I have to get out of here
help I don't know how

ok I have to I can not can not give up

my skin is being so awful :C

I feel physically sick?? I don't quite understand what happened either

oatmeal/cereal for breakfast
soup/salad/hummus and crackers for lunch
soup/salad/veggies and rice for dinner
tea/veggies/fruit/almonds for snacks

no candy. no dessert. no cheese. no bread.

work out EVERY DAY (make sure to go to gym classes, turn in dance audit)

2 months, 3 weeks. I will do it.

I am miserable. again-why?

ok so new plan
go back home, get a pilot's license and somehow learn to speak fluent icelandic, then go to school in iceland

so I am taking 21 credits. I haven't even gotten my schedule figured out yet and it already sucks.
so I guess I am going next year, I think. I kind of already knew...? I don't want to give up yet. dad told me to keep scheming, but I seem to have lost all my energy for it...