i just want to cry but I can't
I feel awful and sick again like I did those months ago
anxiety is starting to eat at me again
I feel panicky and fragile and I don't know what to do

Fuck I'm so fucking anxious 

why isn't he talking to me? 

my thesis passed at least thank god. was really not sure it was going to happen... now just have to find a job, and a place to live. both seeming rather close to impossible. göteborg is growing on me, bit by bit- was not initially sold but, it is by the sea. a city, but not too busy. those old wooden houses and all the gardens, a bit hilly rather than flat flat uppsala... I was dreaming a bit. 

L is speaking to me again. I don't know why I am still responding. he was never unkind I suppose, just poor timing? no, I shouldn't forgive that I don't think. but this thing with J just happened so quickly but I don't know what it is... I don't think either thing will actually go anywhere anyway, so what to do? do I have to choose? 

I have so many ideas for art projects. these old cities and romantic paintings, long drives through the countyside, vikings and old gods and the pouring rain, reminding me of all the fantasy books I used to get lost in during the summer... so many ideas and no real time to work on it just now. always like that...

Oh fuck I can't go back I can't go back. Anything but. Go to Netherlands, Korea, whatever just not back there. No one gets this?? Will talk to j about it maybe. Will write about this mess tomorrow. So stressed about bills and jobs and I think my thesis might fail. I hate this limbo I don't know what to do

still miss L. still don't know if I did the right thing breaking up with him. sometimes there's just really strong memories, like what he smelled like, how he hugged me. no one to talk to about it though it just hurts still when I'm not expecting it. I'm so tired.  I haven't been writing about him but there is another one, J- I liked him of course. but I wasn't really thinking of anything, now I'm really starting to like him. I don't know why I feel so awful. It seems like maybe he doesn't like me so much, I am boring annoying... I know this is not true. but still, I feel like I am not a part of anyone's real life. I should have waited and become better friends with him  first, then maybe...