I made it I did it (kind of). I still procrastinate (obviously) but I'm not nearly as bad about it as I was. I get up, I have amazing friends, I get to go on trips that I'm still/will be thinking about years later, I climb and dance and skate and snowboard so often really, I read soooo many books, journal and go for walks, I'm excited about what I'm studying and my work, grateful for what I learned from being a teacher.... I still think about Y, I still procrastinate, I still doubt myself from time to time and occasionally have those flinches of self hatred or deadness but it's ok. I'm still so in love with J nearly four years later and the feeling seems to be mutual. Going on that trip and hanging out with E last week, being there again definitley made me think of Y but the sting has gone out of it. I had so much fun just taking the train, drinking coffee, going to bookshops and talking to E and her friends, seeing C again and hearing about our teenage years from a different perspective. So funny how all of these women grew up on the other side of the planet and yet there are all these similarities in family dynamics, and what being from a SMALL town does.... This fall I am so excited for the courses I will take, going back to visit E again, appreciating time with my friends here, getting over myself a bit when it comes to my climbing progress (this month has been super productive, J and I have been climbing or skating nearly every day), and hopefully working on some more art (have been narrowing down the projects I actually want to do and the supplies I need today). Next year I will write my thesis and officially take a russian language course while job searching (cringe, but everyone says it will be fine...) and I am looking forward to many calm days at home at my desk, writing, researching, and studying on my own. That type of work feels almost restorative to me. I also hope to go snowboarding a few more times this coming season. After that, I will travel back to the US for a big trip with some friends of mine who have never been before, I want to show them around the west coast and do some sailing! I am dying to go back to alaska  even though I went last year, it's like the more often I go the more often I want to go back.... after that, who knows. Hopefully I will have a job that I like that is interesting to me, I really do love learning and doing new things, but otherwise I have no plans... J and I will look into buying an appartment, I want to figure out some sort of plan for snowboarding more than I have the past few years, and I want to do more art. Really the only downsides are some issues I'm having with my feet wrt figure skating, and the constant having-lots-of-art-ideas-but-hating-everything-I-make thing.. it's ok. I'll be fine. I always am! 

 I have stopped caring so much, in a very good way..... drinking wine while J (hot, long dark hair, sweet and wonderful) is making risotto. I would never say this IRL but he is essentially like a mentally stable Y. This past weekend I went ice skating with my skating friends and some of her friends who were really lovely, then sat in the sun and had fika. Thinking about buying new skates but damn they're expensive... (just spent like 2000 kr on sylvanians again heee xD I was o b s e s s e d at the beginning of the pandemic, and I wish I had journaled about all of that... the progression of how it was framed in the media here in Sweden (ah yes, they're already fucking lying about it. Swedes, as I have often said, are excellent and constant liars as they always lie to themselves first and then are stupid enough to believe it... but anyway. I found the bigger treehouse! new!! and finally ordered the cow family (my fav) and the huskies... there's a war on and the world is slowly ending so I may as well enjoy all the toys and small joys I can). I have been loving figure skating, and watching all the drama at the olympics... still working on my 3 turns and waltz jumps and imagining choreography to aurora and sigrid. 

This past weekend I also went to lunch with E before she goes back to belgium for the next couple months. We went to the museum and sat and looked out at the beautiful city, the sun glistening off of the water, and talking in hushed voices about the invasion. like everyone else presumably. but damn, she and I just click- so fascinating to meet people like that. (why are they never the ones staying in sthlm long term). want to write more about her later, there have been so many conversations that I have lately that I just want to hold on to and remember so badly but they flit away you know... 

anyway 

thinking about preserving media (those LOTR casettes from the 70s? the DVD s?? how best to keep?), skating as much as possible, and getting my climbing back. I have been enjoying my studies lately and ideas are coalescing about how I can leverage this new field to still be involved in my interests. 

(coalescing, fantastic word. had a convo with E and some others a few weeks ago after skating at a little french patisserie about favorite words, and I knew I had some but was hard pressed. came across an insta post about katabatic winds and I was like ah theres one of them.) 

OH and I have been reading again these past years, books a week! I love love loved spinning silver, uprooted, the girl in the tower... and this year I finally read the "his fair assassin" series which I ADORED. historical fiction and fairy tale retellings are absolutely everything. time to read more fiction, and more classics as well <3

I do not.. know what I’m doing with my life I won’t go back to school because I know the answer isn’t there and there’s no reason to waste money there when it won’t do anything for me but make me slightly more marketable if even that

Like what would manifesting my magic look like what would living in the most fulfilling way with the least amount of replication of /adjustment to capitalist assault look like

I am not like other ppl I can’t just be fractured and ok with it

// a draft from 2018, it's better now ohhoho

I still haven't done anything, these past months I haven't been climbing or skating and it's like I don't even care. I want to hold on to the feeling I had this morning when talking to my dad about electrical engineering, or when I got that letter from H, or when I was reading the backs of books and imagining, or when I remember all the little things that Y told me or recommended but that hurts now. I know I want to fix it but I don't care. sucks to see the last post about mountain biking was nearly 2 years ago and I haven't done it. started climbing, and snowboarding, and skating, and tried surfing I guess. I just don't care enough to care enough to do something even though I know I need to.

I should have written so much about Y here. He made me feel like a kid again when I had that huge imagination/connection to inner worlds. not that I was in love with him, I didn't really know him. but he made me feel like myself, he made me feel understood, and like finally there was SOMEONE out there who sees things the way I do. I don't know how to find another one of those people if I can't really describe it myself, and I don't know how I can settle for anyone else once I found out that there ARE people who think like me.

I am studying physics now but could very well fail the exam and not sure what to do next. Thinking that if I don't get into one of the programs I want I will go and do a ski season somewhere in sweden, only problem is most places here are lame... I feel like I am not progressing in anything which makes me lose interest I hate it I hate it

I'm just so ashamed.

habits, habits.
1. I need to stop surfing the web. Keep my space clean so I can find things, and cook even more often (I've gotten fairly good at this)
2. Build good study habits with Swedish so I can pass the TISUS and handle a heavier course load later on. (working and courses, get new job and continue studying, get into MA program and continue working)
3. Build the habit of climbing and longboarding as much as possible.

Trying some new things I guess. Stop going to cafes, stop eating out, at home is cheaper and probably nicer to be in when I keep my room neat and make myself a cup of coffee and sit at my organised desk. Also gotta work on having good food around- I have kept this up pretty well in the past couple months. It will work well this year just going into the office first thing in the morning to print and organize, then leave by nine when it gets too full of people. Still thinking that I need to cut down even further on surfing. Maybe down to an hour when I get up and an hour during dinner (plus commute time) and then cut down even further. Spend all my time going out as much as possible (climbing and longboarding, so it's less embarrassing when I have to do it around people later) and making art (possibly selling), studying swedish and russian, playing ukulele (to let my brain completely relax), and reading (before I go to bed and as an in-between boredom filler). Using my time well now to prep for working and studying at the same time.