the job has to be posted online for 10 days (how am I supposed to get something through connections if it has to be posted in the whole EU)
what if they just won't give me a personnummer- she had a real job and paid taxes and they still rejected her application I'm fucking screwed
I am not going to take some worthless shit job. I'm not going to be a fucking nanny or some shit. I have worked too fucking hard to get to where I am and if I can't get a real job here then I'll fucking leave.

I don't like men
they are so stupid- a stupidity born of ignorance. everything caters to them, they have never seen the naked world; they do not, cannot know how it truly is.

This is ok. I am doing this, I can make it, I can keep trying.

I wanna die

I want to crawl out of my own skin and stop existing 

I don't know why I feel so horrible 

I want to die I want to die and everything is only making me feel worse

why am I so fucking stupid?
everything is happening at once it's too much

I still can't believe it happened though
in a really good way it seems like a  dream
but the question is how do I make it happen again

god, I want him so badly. all of it, but what if last night was just a fluke, a mistake, he can't possibly be interested  in me, especially after his last girlfriend.... I don't want a boyfriend. I just want to sleep with him, enjoy his attraction to me a bit, and possibly have a friend?

I have less than three months to finish my thesis by this point
(kill me kill me kill me how did I let this happen I am so fucking stupid)
I have no friends (why do I torture myself by asking about people)
I just wanted to burst out and say to L "stay here I miss you so so much please"

good god I'm so fucking BORED. I just want to fucking start already. like, here are my topic ideas, this is the methodology I was going to use, but I am concerned about x, y not working with this particular topic
everyone: don't worrryyyyy about that right now
ok fucking WHEN then
I am not going to fail because of some stupid decision I make now

told me I couldn't get a p-number. the rest of my class has one, even the non-EU students. call MV they say "no but you'll get one automatically if you get a job!" (I'll never get a job without a p-number)
like I need anymore barriers to getting a job this is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. HOW. this is not a question of being positive I've got NOTHING and like 3 strikes against me to begin with.
why am I so fucking stupid and lazy? why didn't I just go there and demand one? oh right, because I still have no health insurance and I didn't happen to bring my birth certificate, sorry.