I hate men. what the fuck do you know about anything? everything is fucking pornified. the whole fucking world. it leaks into everything and does nothing but inflate your already ridiculous sense of entitlement. why should I bother fucking you, when I have to compete with some porn star who would fill any whim and not even ask to be considered a person? why should I fucking bother when you're not even interested in flesh and blood humans? men are so disgusting and they have no clue. you've never had to question anything and you have  the fucking gall to say I'm being dogmatic.

cafe guy didn't message me. J isn't answering (I know he doesn't mean to be a jerk but it comes off that way)

I'm remembering again
those early mornings with such strong dreams
I just never feel that way here. so much simpler and more mundane somehow, but still enjoyable in a different way. that landscape I grew up in is just without compare.
I'm surprised, I was sculpting today and it is adequate? enough actually for some of my ideas

why the FUCK does this always happen to me I'm so fucking unlucky?

I feel like I can't do anything but cry. how can I possibly stay here when people who speak fluent swedish& are citizens &have good job experience are not getting jobs? what am I supposed to do? applying for jobs seems to be about as effective as just throwing some resumes into the wind.

I'm kind of annoyed with myself. I don't understand why I have these feelings for J. we don't have a lot in common, we don't agree on much, this wouldn't work long term and we both know it. and yet, we still want to be together. he'll only be gone a month and I already feel like missing him. he held me so tight for so long today, kept hugging me with reddish eyes and sniffing. I just want to hold him forever even though he pisses me off.

fuck I just want to die sometimes. I am so behind, this is so fucking hopeless. there's a list miles long of all the things I should have done if I wanted to get a job, I haven't, and now it's too late. what the fuck do I do? can't focus, can't make myself do anything, no point anyway bc I'm years behind and will never catch up. what do I have to look forward to? killing myself when the crushing boredom brought on by a total failure of a life catches up w/ me?

I realize that I have been extremely lucky. I do! but I am so fucking lazy and stupid that I have completely wasted the numerous amazing opportunities I've been given, and now I have nothing going for me, nothing to look forward to/work towards, and NO idea what the fuck to do. I haven't even had any fun these past few years, not even good memories to hold on to... like I want to do something, I want to move forward, I want to DO SOMETHING and work and develop but I have no idea what to do, no idea how to figure it out, and no TIME to figure it out either so I feel completely trapped and so fucking guilty/embarrassed for being such a fucking failure and still not doing anything about it.

(I  just try not to think about the fact that I have no friends and apparently am socially retarded since it seems like no matter what I do I don't have a network and people have no interest in me. plus it's so fucking exhausting to try and maintain relationships... what is wrong with me... I could have the excuse of working on my art/being in a particular field but I don't even work on my art& it sucks bc I don't practice, plus I didn't pick a specific/interesting/relevant/valuable field either)

but

I've been working on this for YEARS. If I fail now I will honestly want to kill myself. just the idea of being such a fucking failure, with nothing but utter boredom and mediocracy  ahead. so I HAVE to do this but I STILL can't make myself do anything.

I'm so angry and I'm so tired of being dismissed and ignored and laughed at.

it's so hard not to hate myself
like I should have been: getting fluent in swedish, making friends (especially with those in my courses), making connections (especially with those involved in exchange/ international offices), volunteering, doing internships, being involved in the nations in some way, doing some extracurricular activities, learning some sort of marketable skill...
I haven't done any of that. just thinking about it makes me so. fucking. tired. I'm tired all the time, physically/mentally whatever... I'm never really hungry so I don't eat properly, I apparently suck at socializing because it's just so fucking EXHAUSTING. I work so damn hard and people are just, not interested. fucking humiliating. all these opportunities, wasted, and now all I'm doing is lying around doing nothing and I'm STILL tired all the time. I finished the master's degree, but so what? it doesn't get me shit.

i just want to cry but I can't
I feel awful and sick again like I did those months ago
anxiety is starting to eat at me again
I feel panicky and fragile and I don't know what to do

Fuck I'm so fucking anxious 

why isn't he talking to me? 

my thesis passed at least thank god. was really not sure it was going to happen... now just have to find a job, and a place to live. both seeming rather close to impossible. göteborg is growing on me, bit by bit- was not initially sold but, it is by the sea. a city, but not too busy. those old wooden houses and all the gardens, a bit hilly rather than flat flat uppsala... I was dreaming a bit. 

L is speaking to me again. I don't know why I am still responding. he was never unkind I suppose, just poor timing? no, I shouldn't forgive that I don't think. but this thing with J just happened so quickly but I don't know what it is... I don't think either thing will actually go anywhere anyway, so what to do? do I have to choose? 

I have so many ideas for art projects. these old cities and romantic paintings, long drives through the countyside, vikings and old gods and the pouring rain, reminding me of all the fantasy books I used to get lost in during the summer... so many ideas and no real time to work on it just now. always like that...

Oh fuck I can't go back I can't go back. Anything but. Go to Netherlands, Korea, whatever just not back there. No one gets this?? Will talk to j about it maybe. Will write about this mess tomorrow. So stressed about bills and jobs and I think my thesis might fail. I hate this limbo I don't know what to do

still miss L. still don't know if I did the right thing breaking up with him. sometimes there's just really strong memories, like what he smelled like, how he hugged me. no one to talk to about it though it just hurts still when I'm not expecting it. I'm so tired.  I haven't been writing about him but there is another one, J- I liked him of course. but I wasn't really thinking of anything, now I'm really starting to like him. I don't know why I feel so awful. It seems like maybe he doesn't like me so much, I am boring annoying... I know this is not true. but still, I feel like I am not a part of anyone's real life. I should have waited and become better friends with him  first, then maybe...

ok well now I have failed at, well everything
actually
but I don't even care anymore?

I feel awful. I just feel so awful. I can't stop crying all day. saw L, for the first time in a month, he hugged me and seemed to want to say something, so I waited, but nothing. what could he say anyway? why do I feel so stupid/awful about this? I HAVE to finish my thesis. I have to have SOMETHING can't I have just this ONE thing fuck I hate myself

anxious about my horrid fucking skin
missing class tommorrow
can't sleep (bc of the FUCKING GODDAMN RAIN and it never gets fucking dark enough) and have to get up very early tomorrow
why did seeing my ex today make me feel so anxious
how the fuck am I going to get all this done
that fucking dream where they took my passport is STILL in the back of my mind
this fucking invoice thing, bunch of fucking cheats I'm not going to pay a fucking CENT FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT COUNTRY
why can't I stop thinking about L why does it make me so fucking anxious

I still miss L so much. We broke up in October, and still…. I just want to hug him again and see his smile again I miss so much his kindness and the way he always made me happy in some way even if he was annoying me… I miss those evenings making dinner together and eating candy and being so happy to have someone feel like home to come back to.

I shouldn’t have broke up with him I should have just told him the truth. But what was the truth? “I’m afraid to meet your family, I feel odd around your friends, you spend too much time playing video games and not enough time studying and I can’t be anxious for your future as well as mine, we can’t be together all the time and there’s no reason to feel bad about that- how should it work anyway? we need to DO more go out more and you need to stop worrying, stop getting so upset, and stop getting annoyed with me for being anxious or bringing up issues I have that you think reflect badly on you, which is maybe why I broke up with you, because I couldn’t take another one of those stupid, awful fights that just ends with a lot of hurt feelings and resentment and no progress….”

I became... aware, walking down the side of a highway and an airfield that resembled merril (although that didn't register) then I was in town and went straight into the building (I knew somehow). but wait, where was I going? and where was I? I must be taking to train back from stockholm, it was only 9:15 in the morning, and I wasn't in uppsala either. I thought about looking at my phone for the map and then realized- I am in anchorage. after a moment of panic over how I could possibly get back, as there are no trains across the ocean, I absently realized I was dreaming, and wandered outside to see anchorage (as I'm not sure when I will be there next) I wasn't sure where to go, and thought maybe I could see grandma ellie... this is a dream, so maybe I can think of her and she will appear in these people walking towards me. the sidewalk became immensely wide with many many people walking along the woods and highway- I was walking towards a giant bridge, and a turning kaleidoscope made of flowers (nothing like it in anchorage but it still was, as dreams are) but I didn't see her. presently a group of people came along, my mom's family and my cousin, my aunt kathy, maybe a few others. they stopped around me and were talking and laughing but not listening to me, could not explain the giant kaleidoscope. and I started to cry, about not going back to alaska, and not seeing grandma ellie....  I couldn't picture her house for some reason, although maybe I still wouldn't have been able to find her, as everyone there in my dream is still living...

I have no friends. that's what this holiday always reminds me of. no friends, and no future. see if I had some sort of prospects, something to do, something to work towards, then I would be fine without friends. but no, I have nothing.

I want to die. I've completely fucking wasted my life so far, haven't had a damn bit of fun, have absolutely fucking NOTHING to show for it, no one wants me, and now the lines on my face are getting worse I want to fucking kill myself.

I just want to fall in love. I'm a girl... a young woman maybe? aren't I supposed to do that all the time? it's just never happened... maybe I could have loved that last one in some alternate, but now I've given up- I'm not allowing myself the interest because he's such a mess (and it wouldn't work even if he wasn't, so). I need to stop caring about people who don't return the favor/don't need/want/ask...

you know what, fuck these people. I can't stand being nice anymore. I'm not going to that party, I'll stay here and work on my thesis or art projects or daydream about what I would study if I did a PhD. I just have to be patient for next weekend when I will be seeing lovely people who actually want me around and don't make me feel so fucking small/pathetic/anxious. I only HAVE to see my classmates 4 more times technically so, whatever.

I'm so... mad. really, I wouldn't mind just sleeping with him, but it hasn't even gotten that far. This not-answering-messages thing is just rude. I just don't understand what he is getting out of it, I am bored with the whole thing and I don't want to talk about it, but it STILL makes me fucking ANXIOUS. I'm irritated that I have allowed such a waste of time on nothing. I wish I could just leave and never see these people again.
why am I still so fucking miserable and anxious, I feel better for a while but it is like it's still there, waiting under the surface so I can never relax

there is a couple sitting and studying together one table over- he has the same blond hair, same build as L, which is a little stab in the first place... he is laying down and looking up at her, hand resting on her arm, and she is smiling and looking down at him, talking, about nothing in particular I think. it hurts so much I miss L so much I want that.

I have so many dreams about water
which behaves in a different way
like the rock falls, fish bubbling out in the water over, to have a look at us, that massive, prehistoric eel creature almost breaking the surface...
like the dream last night, great sheets of ice and orca whales , their teeth sharp and their turning movements pulling me along until I became afraid and hauled myself out onto a floe like I had become a seal...

I want to die I want to die, I want to die
I don't want to be around anyone
I will be getting up very very early these days
(I just have to get this thesis done and then I am checking the fuck out of this place)

studying a lot and never having fun was supposed to pay off, wasn't it? 

but I didn't do enough. and it's gotten me nowhere- except to be either woefully inexperienced or embarrassingly overqualified, with my chance of being "young and carefree" gone, yet no prospects... 

thinking about that early early morning light and the mist
only at home is it that beautiful

another school year almost gone and nothing to show for it
still as miserable, stupid, friendless, and prospect-less as I was last year

I want to kiss lots of people too
I'm just picky
where does one meet all these pretty stockholm boys?

I don't know what to do about anything
I miss L so much. still. shouldn't I be over it by now? it's been half a year.... (and that hurts to think)

"well if you don't go they won't invite you again!"
I can think of ONE time when I declined an invitation this year. ONE. hasn't gotten me invited any more.
"quit being down on yourself!"
I have no concrete skills and no job experience. I. HAVE. NO. CONCRETE. SKILLS. NEVER. HAD. JOB. these are facts. I will just have to lie. I. WILL. LIE. this is not being ~~negative~~~ this is called stating facts.
"well they'll never hire you if you say things like that!"
do you really think I am that fucking stupid?? really??? how do you think I have made it through grad school as you are obviously under the impression that I am mentally retarded??
"well send her another message!"
hmm well when I'm the one who has initiated the last 5 meetings/conversations that we have had and have now attempted twice to arrange another social meeting with  no response... sending another message doesn't seem prudent. this is the second time that a "friend" of mine has stopped talking to me.
"well you just have to meet people doing things you like!"
doing WHAT, exactly? everything I like to do is an independent activity. people just don't seem to like me.
"well if you're so negative maybe you won't see opportunities blah blah"
I'm sorry, last time I checked we live on planet earth. shut the fuck up with this stupid magical thinking bullshit. oh, obviously that is why I have had this success, because of positive thinking. oh wait, I've been fucking negative this whole time and just, idk WORKED HARD and USED MY FUCKING BRAIN??? like what the fuck ~~opportunities~~ could come from being willfully stupid and ignorant

I guess I just don't really believe that she's gone, that I'll never hear her voice again. her husband can't even say her name, he just doesn't know what to do
I don't know what to say

I feel awful and I don't really know why
L doesn't want me, I guess (different L haha)

embarrassing? 

nothing to look forward to, nothing to do 

the job has to be posted online for 10 days (how am I supposed to get something through connections if it has to be posted in the whole EU)
what if they just won't give me a personnummer- she had a real job and paid taxes and they still rejected her application I'm fucking screwed
I am not going to take some worthless shit job. I'm not going to be a fucking nanny or some shit. I have worked too fucking hard to get to where I am and if I can't get a real job here then I'll fucking leave.

I don't like men
they are so stupid- a stupidity born of ignorance. everything caters to them, they have never seen the naked world; they do not, cannot know how it truly is.

This is ok. I am doing this, I can make it, I can keep trying.

I wanna die

I want to crawl out of my own skin and stop existing 

I don't know why I feel so horrible 

I want to die I want to die and everything is only making me feel worse

why am I so fucking stupid?
everything is happening at once it's too much

I still can't believe it happened though
in a really good way it seems like a  dream
but the question is how do I make it happen again

god, I want him so badly. all of it, but what if last night was just a fluke, a mistake, he can't possibly be interested  in me, especially after his last girlfriend.... I don't want a boyfriend. I just want to sleep with him, enjoy his attraction to me a bit, and possibly have a friend?

I have less than three months to finish my thesis by this point
(kill me kill me kill me how did I let this happen I am so fucking stupid)
I have no friends (why do I torture myself by asking about people)
I just wanted to burst out and say to L "stay here I miss you so so much please"

good god I'm so fucking BORED. I just want to fucking start already. like, here are my topic ideas, this is the methodology I was going to use, but I am concerned about x, y not working with this particular topic
everyone: don't worrryyyyy about that right now
ok fucking WHEN then
I am not going to fail because of some stupid decision I make now

told me I couldn't get a p-number. the rest of my class has one, even the non-EU students. call MV they say "no but you'll get one automatically if you get a job!" (I'll never get a job without a p-number)
like I need anymore barriers to getting a job this is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. HOW. this is not a question of being positive I've got NOTHING and like 3 strikes against me to begin with.
why am I so fucking stupid and lazy? why didn't I just go there and demand one? oh right, because I still have no health insurance and I didn't happen to bring my birth certificate, sorry.

I just feel sick with jealousy sometimes. I want to have close friends, but I know I will NEVER be a part of a group here. I miss L (not that he helped with this).

god I hate myself so much
I am so lazy and unmotivated I can't even do what I really want to- and then when I finally make myself try I suck at it so much

I looked through the photos from last summer today on the way home
I am still so sad about L
I have so much to do and it's like I don't really believe all this is happening- the end

so all of my friends and their families are gone except one and all of my extended family will be gone except one and my parents are moving to the boat so this is the last time that I will see the house I grew up in and maybe the last time I see some of my friends and the last time I will even be in Alaska for a long long time as I have no idea when I will be able to come back and no one will be living here in like 6 months anyway, ok now time to go back to Sweden where it is starting to seem like I will never get a job or a place to live, and first write a thesis about I-don't-know-what but wait I have to pass a statistics test first and write a 5000 word case study in like a week, and I leave in approximately 2 days