why am I so fucking ugly, this just isn't fair, I hate everything, etc.

oh just be a happy little fucking robot WELL I CANT FUCKING DO THAT everyone in this world is just fucking laughing at me all the fucking time
I'm ignored, dismissed, put down, laughed at constantly, and everyone says that it isn't even happening if I dare say something I'm whiny and oversensitive OH LOOK SHE'S CRYING NOW, it's because shes a girl, a weak, emotional, pathetic, stupid fucking girl 
and if I pulled out a gun and shot them all then I'd just be a psychopath, "crazy! no reason! (must have been pmsing haha women are so stupid)
really, why are there not more female serial killers. I've half a mind to be one myself. oh wait, that's right, I actually have some self control. because this society doesn't CONSTANTLY EXCUSE MY HORRID FUCKING BEHAVIOR and  in fact reward me for it, because you know, "boys will be boys" and women are just crazy and stupid and whiny
oh, you're just getting me "riled up?" trying to see if I'll yell or swear? for fun? well good luck with that one honey, you're gonna be here all night. you see, the thing is, I'M ALREADY REALLY FUCKING MAD. more anger than I know what to do with, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. but you know what, I hold it in. because there is really no acceptable way for me to express it. and if I did, you guessed it! that's right, I would just be crazy. I can't "go off with my mates" punch some peoples faces in, act like a brain dead animal that believes it's entitled to everything, and have it written off as "testosterone" and "boys being boys"
fuck that shit. get some goddamned self control you little shits. you have no fucking idea what it is like to NOT have your every little whim and desire catered to you, and yet you're the ones who can't control your emotional reactions? are you fucking kidding me? what the fuck do you even have to be angry about? I have people asking me, wow, you're actually really angry aren't you? (yes, anger can be expressed non physically without raising your voice, but you apes are too stupid to figure that one out) why are you so angry? and I want to scream BECAUSE I'VE GOT ABOUT 5,000 GOOD REASONS TO BE AND ANOTHER 5 THOUSAND YEARS OF WRONG TO BACK IT UP but instead I make a sarcastic remark and let it go
because there is STILL nothing I can do. but you will continue on with your stupid little lives convinced that you are right and women are crazy and no one will ever try and prove you wrong.

I want money because money equals freedom. I don't want anybody else to have any hold over me, I don't want to have to do what I'm told, I don't want to be stuck in one place forever, all I want is some fucking respect  and apparently having money is the only god dammed way to get any in this world

I know NOTHING
I CAN'T DO FUCKING ANYTHING
I don't know anything about anything, not even anything useless just nothing at all I just want to fucking kill myself because I have no ability to do anything at all

I feel so trapped
I'm trying to escape but there is no where to escape to
which is pathetic, because I've got more options than most

I need to MAKE things, actually go out and DO things, instead of just sitting and passively consuming, letting things (well, nothing much) happen to me, instead of making things happen
I feel like I can't do anything like someone else is always pulling the strings


the thing is, I don't mind being alone, if you take away all the ~societal judgement~ that comes with it. I mean, I love people, but at the same time I'm not really bothered by the idea of being alone. especially if I'm doing something interesting. I just have to remember

why can't I at least have nice skin. isn't it enough to have droopy, tiny black eyes, a weird shape with thick legs, flat chest, bloby face fuzzy hair, spots, couldn't I at least have skin that didn't make me look like I'm aging prematurely fuck everything I want to rip someone's guts out this is just so fucking unfair

I fucking hate it when people do the ~~don't compare yourself to other people!! every1 is beautiful!!~~~
I'm  sorry, it sounded like you just said "please bash my head in with a very large rock until I am nothing but a mess of guts and bone bits", and you know, I wouldn't mind helping you w/that

I feel so trapped- like "real life" is rushing towards me, it'll be horribly boring/depressing, then I get old and die.
wait what? that's not what I want, but I can't seem to figure out what to do about it  
I have to break the pattern somehow, but I am not bright, smart, unique, assertive enough?  to make it happen
but I have to think that I will, or I'll want to jump off a cliff

plan (sort of): work while I'm abroad, save money, visit switzerland, finland, iceland, then when I finish school go back to sweden (?), work for a while and save money (or au pair, and stay) and get in really good shape this coming year so I can go exploring better in New Zealand in 2014/15- take it either as a gap year and go straight back to grad school in Sweden...or just be done because I'm magically able to make a career out of something somewhere...

it's so amazing- this time last year I was crushingly depressed (and even worse the year before that...) but I'm  ... fine 
I've eaten so many cookies, but I don't want to kill myself?! ha what I just feel ok. a tiny part of it is that I got over the "I want christmas to be just like it was when I was a kid (and am upset when no one else is up for it- I usually end up decorating by myself)" but I've accepted that I probably won't get to see all my cousins, we won't put all the ornaments on the tree, it won't "feel like christmas" because it's just another day, and there's nothing wrong with that! (no matter what everyone else would have you believe). The other part is that I've been so absorbed helping my mom in the classroom, spending time with my cousins, running christmas errands (because all the gifts and food are my job too now) and all the stuff I have to do to get prepped to go abroad in January (of which I still have a lot to do).
but somehow, I've been staying up late but not feeling horrid about it... not quite what I was going for but I'll take it. I still can't sleep, but hey at least the lack of sleep is not making me suicidal, just sleepy!
it's really the same this year but for some reason it feels different. I feel like I've finally broke out, that I retain the self I've developed into when I return home instead of just sliding back.
Still worried about:
1. christmas gifts for people (too late oops but where do I send those packages?!)
2. everything I still have to do before I go
3. my skin is not as nice as I'd like it to be
4. I want waist length hair but it is so hard to keep my hair nice at the ends :C

I need to get in (better) shape and spend less (no) money this year
honestly the prospect of getting  a job is what's most exciting to me- I will finally have an income, actually my own money that I won't feel (so) guilty about having, I'll save it for a plane ticket New Zealand, or a train ticket for the TSRR, or my pilot's license after I graduate... maybe I just won't tell anyone

I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL

when I'm done with my bachelor's I just want to be done

the whole going to grad school thing is becoming less and less and less appealing to me, but it seems like I have to, to get a job/make any money/etc (and I could potentially go for free so I don't really have an excuse not to go, but goddamn I don't want to) 

the problem is I just don't know what I want

I just want to have ADVENTURE
the sort that doesn't really exist in this world (and never would have, for me)

I want to re read/watch all of lord of the rings... I can't tell if the hobbit was a good movie or if I just loved it because of nostalgia
I wish I had the time/money/lack of embarrassment to dress up for things
I wish otto would dress like finn, he has the hair it would be so adorable- I want to show them firefly, adventure time, etc but I can't bring the dvds so I don't know

ok tomorrow:
1. get up when alarm goes off
2. put gym clothes on
3. strip bed
4. do laundry
5. clean up room
6. go to gym
7. make appointments
8. check/send emails
9. plan
10. do something to study swedish

well fuck now I'm so fucking anxious I can't even think about sleeping

sometimes I just get so exhausted. All of my clothes, all of the things I do to my hair to try and make it not...look like shit, all the things I try to make my skin better, it's all so fucking pointless because even if all of it worked I'd still be fucking ugly
I panic sometimes and put all my hair back and pin it so I can't see it or feel it move because if I didn't I would do something like cut it all off and then stab myself in the face

It's ALL FUCKING POINTLESS why even bother to try, because I'm going to be a fucking failure anyways

I'm so terrified that this is all just made up and it'll never actually happen
also, half of what I'm doing is trying to get into gradschool but fuck I really don't want to go to school anymore

accidentally picked too much and made a little bloody bruise spot at the corner of my nose (hurts)
and it'll look horrid in the morning too- good mood ruined ( I am such an idiot)
(dear god I will NEVER graduate early and NEVER be successful I can't even not be disgusting)

finally bought a flight, happy?! (but already dreading having to come back a little...)
should I change my name
?
I need to learn to drive stick shift
I also need to loose weight
but all I want to do is bake things (I'll do my usual make things and then give them all away I think)

I've been thinking about clothes again; I am done with skirts. I only want pants (but not always?) I feel  silly, stupid, not like myself when I wear super-girly clothing
I want power, I don't want to wear anything that I cannot move well in
sometimes I like the girly thing, put on a pretty sweater or a nice dress and pearl earrings and pin back my hair just so and all of the old ladies looooooovvee me and everyone thinks I'm so respectable such a good girl, doing mundane things and being so nice and polite to everyone and smiiiling so much and we talk about church, because we always talk about church, and she's such a nice girl so she must be christian, marriage and babies in her future, yes, not like all those other girls, the whores, the ones with bare shoulders or the ones who have opinions the ones who don't smile placidly at boys' antics...
it's partially, there's a divide. I dress one way for "adult" society and I dress another for myself
sometimes I find myself trying to dress in a way that makes me more approachable- so I don't "scare boys away" as my mother says- but the problem is I like scaring people. it is so silly, what do they think I'm going to do to them?
to scare average citizens: be tall and thin, wear black and gray, everything fitted, boots, high collared jacket, walk fast, march, no quiet feet, no smile, and people practically jump out of your way

being back home feels like a strange dream. like I don't really belong here (I belong here more than anywhere else but still not much, where is home? I want this to be home but I feel like a guest now) and I'll wake up in my dorm tomorrow with my funny roommates and all the nice people in the hall (that seem so so far away now. like it never really happened. like I dreamed the last 3 months)

I want to be independent, to need no one, to not care, but I am so weak. and I do care, so much. and I have no personality of my own. I'm not really a person, I'm just whatever fits the situation. which is why I'll never get anywhere in life- pathetic.
I need there to be people around who care about me, whom I can care for in return, I can't be happy otherwise

if I'm being honest with myself I can't see my life going any way but badly. all of my plans, ideas, goals are just some flimsy dream, hope, always looking forward to disguise what's actually happening to me

I will never find someone
but why am I worried about this?

it feels like I'm sinking again. into a sticky, dark, sluggish bog filled with nothing but confused thoughts and hopeless feelings with no sense of time or place or beginnings or endings where I am always exhausted and my eyes always hurt and the light is to bright or too dim and I can't focus on anything at all or form a coherent thought to save my life and I just eat aimlessly but I'm never hungry and it's never good and I'm so hopelessly, desperately bored and I never get anything done,  I get no enjoyment out of anything because I'm just so tired and I don't feel anything I feel like I'm walking through a dream where I can't move and can't see and it never ends

ok here I am, exactly where I was last year I am disgusting
going to the gym first thing tomorrow morning, forcing myself to do things even though I have NO motivation whatsoever (fuck fuck what am I going to do when I get there I haven't studied for four days I am so fucking fat and disgusting how do I fix this before  I get there, no one will like me anyways)
I just DREAD going to sleep again but I'm so so tired but I stay up anyways
WHY THE FUCK IS THERE NO SNOW HERE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK THAT IS THE ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF WINTER HERE
20 below, 30 below with wind, everything is dead and depressing where is the snow, I have no idea it doesn't feel like Christmas break it doesn't even feel like winter last term was over so quickly and I didn't really want to leave
I have started saying my plans aloud- I feel like if I don't they are just ideas that don't exist my parents laughed but have we NOT been having conversations about me graduating early so you can retire? what, did you think it was a fucking joke because I was not fucking joking this is my life and I am FUCKING DONE living there, not to mention it would save you thousands of dollars and you could retire earlier? why the FUCK are you not being supportive? I am trying to do this mostly for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS
FUCK YOU

can't wait until I can go home and have food that doesn't smell so fucking bad I fucking hate it when my roommates eat in here bad smells are very distracting/irritating to me I can't wait until I have my own room and there will be NO FOOD IN IT EVER

interesting dreams lately:
1. speaking swedish with nora on a floating island in a blue water cave
2. the end of the world- running through a field in the early morning to get to the last ship
3. one I though of last night and can remember nothing about now
there was also the one with the enormous sand bowl... and the polar bears...

actually sort of happy right now, what? the sun is out, maybe I should go outside
(I'm so ready to be done with this, and it's almost over!)

well thank goodness that weirdness is over- today I've been thinking about personal style/fashion all that jazz (again. It's not like I ever stop). I'm really trying to develop my own style, perhaps that can transition to be a little more mature? I kind of have a uniform, I love the high waist shorts with leggings and comfy boots, then a tank top and a good jacket. It makes me feel like... if I was suddenly dropped into a post apocalyptic wasteland and had to fight dragons or something, I would be completely prepared (and dressed practically) for kicking ass and climbing and running away from creatures and stuff

I feel so weird these past few days have lasted for eons and eons last week seems like it was years ago I feel so disconnected from everything not so long ago I was sad about leaving everyone but now I just want this term to be fucking over I feel like this ending is dragging on unbearably it seems so far away I just want to go home and then leave already

I feel old and weird but also hopelessly immature at the same time, doesn't anyone else think about the future? (also, why does anyone have children in their early 20s you just seem incredibly stupid) I think about where I want to be in 10 years because what I do now has a drastic effect. I have never wanted children before but all of a sudden I've made a complete switch, it is so weird. (there is no point thinking about this now, I will not have children for almost 12 years but I feel almost obsessive about it whereas before a couple weeks ago I couldn't care less) like I'm stuck thinking about the far future and am somehow detached from what I'm doing now. (I  have this weird feeling of being tired already, I want to skip everything. skip dating, sex, career, and just go straight to a little red house and a few children. skip babies, just magically have a couple of 5-6 year olds (and lots of money) appear and I will be the best parent ever)

to do list for this winter break: fix skin, hair, wardrobe, figure out makeup/perfume, buy a sewing machine and start making stuff, start in on my reading list, watch all the films I've been meaning to watch, organize my music library, spend lots of time in the classroom, figure out budgeting/life plan, decorate the house, do a lot of baking and cooking, go skating, see old friends as much as possible, see how I can help my parents, learn to snowboard,  prepare everything to go abroad, and when I arrive there make the little bit sad decision to speak only in Swedish.

sometimes I'm really happy: so many people have told me "oh, you're so good at swedish already after studying there for a semester you'll be completely fluent"
but then I read things that say it's very easy to become conversationally fluent and then never progress any further
(NeverGoingToLearnThisLanguage/CurrentlyScreamingHopelessly)
I need a fucking JOB there. No, not a job, a CAREER that will pay a whole fucking lot of money I CANNOT have this as a disadvantage. I am talentless/useless enough as it is   (I am an extreme advance planner: I want a nice apartment (preferably where I can have some sort of pet) in the city while I build my career (while being extremely well dressed and eating good food), I want to travel and visit everyone, get my pilot's license, a husband and 2-5 extremely well dressed and behaved children, then a "little red house" in the country with space for a horse(s) as my children grow up, a "mother in law" apartment on my land that my parents can live in and the means to care for them in their old age (and help pay for their vacations to Italy), a summer house by the sea, the ability to maintain a high standard of living and continue being able to travel (with my children), possibly start my own business, or to retire (with horses). I need a whole fucking lot of money to make this happen, and therefore a career, and to get that career I have to speak swedish helt flyttande som en svensk- professionally no accent no accent)
takeaway lesson: I have a max of the next 2.5 years to speak this language COMPLETELY FUCKING PERFECT, FLAWLESSLY, INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM A NATIVE SPEAKER
is that even possible
well it'll have to be

more:
flossing
working out
moisturizing
water drinking
cooking and baking
getting up early
making things
writing (pens and pencils)
reading
singing and dancing (newly possible with my own room)
socializing
expressing love/gratitude to friends and family members

less:
computer time
being bored
snacking
going to bed late
picking
sitting

things I want to do but will never be able to (continued):
4. be a trapeze artist
5. be a voltigeur (equestrian vaulting)

three things I want to do but will never be able to:
1. be part of a cavalry charge
2. be in the moscow ballet
3. be in starfleet