habits, habits.
1. I need to stop surfing the web. Keep my space clean so I can find things, and cook even more often (I've gotten fairly good at this)
2. Build good study habits with Swedish so I can pass the TISUS and handle a heavier course load later on. (working and courses, get new job and continue studying, get into MA program and continue working)
3. Build the habit of climbing and longboarding as much as possible.

Trying some new things I guess. Stop going to cafes, stop eating out, at home is cheaper and probably nicer to be in when I keep my room neat and make myself a cup of coffee and sit at my organised desk. Also gotta work on having good food around- I have kept this up pretty well in the past couple months. It will work well this year just going into the office first thing in the morning to print and organize, then leave by nine when it gets too full of people. Still thinking that I need to cut down even further on surfing. Maybe down to an hour when I get up and an hour during dinner (plus commute time) and then cut down even further. Spend all my time going out as much as possible (climbing and longboarding, so it's less embarrassing when I have to do it around people later) and making art (possibly selling), studying swedish and russian, playing ukulele (to let my brain completely relax), and reading (before I go to bed and as an in-between boredom filler). Using my time well now to prep for working and studying at the same time.

I am so angry about how much I have wasted my life. why do men get all the actually-fun hobbies? I want to go mountain biking, I want to have started with longboarding much earlier... I've spent the past 14 years of my life (since I was 10 I suppose, my parents did a good job of shielding me from the worst of it) with half my brain being taken up with how I look and I am so fucking tired of that. I feel like I only have a few years left to really use this body- climbing, longboarding, biking etc etc before my recovery time starts to get too long. I have to focus on that and save the safer stuff for later (like sailing, for when I have more money too lol). but also, getting pregnant? WHAT A FUCKING WASTE! what a waste of brain! what a waste of time! what a waste of good physical condition with which to do actual enjoyable things! fuck!!!

wanna get some big sunglasses
really get my clothes down to a uniform
no more wasting time on beauty stuff
gotta quit wasting my time on the internet. I feel like I have been less successful than I could be because I am so addicted to the easy highs of digital media. Studying is only boring because it's not a quick dopamine hit (IR and social studies were different in that I had to actually DO very little outside of reading and analyzing interesting stuff). I have so much time and I need to USE IT.

I've wasted my life and I'm way too fucking old for what I'm doing. But I'm (trying) not to care. just have to focus on the priorities. have to do this physical stuff while my body still works and heals pretty fast. so, longboarding and climbing come first, then languages, ukulele and art only when I can't be outside doing something.

plans for August:
start making lesson plans and
start studying swedish like a crazy person bc that's my priority for the next three months
buy a thermos and scope out decent places to sit so I don't spend so much money on cafes
cook a lot more (and make delicious things like smoothies)
sign up for a climbing gym and look for a climbing buddy
watch more good movies and listen to more good music (while doing art projects or trying to play ukulele)

I have no motivation left and I don't care. doesn't help that everything is boring and I know I'll fail anyway.

reasons I liked M:
He actually listened to me. not the "I am going to be quiet while you are talking bc I know I should be to be a Good Listener which is part of being one of the Good Men" but.... actively listening to what I was saying and trying to understand... and not in a sort of sappy way either.This was the other thing- I felt like he UNDERSTOOD me. other guys have been sympathetic and kind but they did not "get it".
He was interested in me as a person. as a full, individual human being not as a "girl who is nice and sleeps with me".  I felt that he liked me as a person and would still have wanted to be around me even if he wasn't attracted to me. he was interested in my opinion and never got angry when we discussed things.
We didn't discuss it directly (like the pathetic moron I am, I didn't want to "ruin" anything) but I am guessing that he is not a heavy porn user, simply from what sex was like. Ok so I don't really have enough data points but I have talked about this with most men I have been with and it is pretty clear- if they aren't porn users sex is 10000 times better. like omg, we are doing something TOGETHER not him doing something TO me.
He thought I was funny, and never reacted poorly to weird/uncomfortable things I would say (I feel a lot of guys here are a bit gullible/don't read my humor well/take me too seriously/are only laughing to be nice (or are actually laughing at me))
He remembered everything I told him, like things I had mentioned wanting to try, stories I told, places I said I'd been or were my favorites.
He was comfortable with me being "better" than him in some ways, would readily point out my accomplishments and actually give real, specific, non-patronising advice or insight. We had similar levels of ambition- he cared about his career and was self motivated but not over the top which can be unattractive (srry but a super stereotypically "ambitious" guy usually makes me think psychopath.) I admired him and he admired me. Maybe admire is too strong a word. but I like it when I can appreciate someone's accomplishments and life choices/personality and they reciprocate this appreciation. I like people who are humble and pragmatic. not over the top, it's just not attractive if someone is really going around thinking that they are way better in some way.
I could trust him to show up if I really needed him and not feel like I 'owed' him anything.
Also, maybe a small thing, but he was a VERY neat person and he liked to cook and cook well. Both of these things are attractive bc if I lived with a man it would kill me to have to clean up after him/have to be the one asking him to clean or contribute. It's very appealing to be with someone who can take care of their own shit and do stuff without being asked. and not like "omg it's so messy we need to clean!" but consistently keeping a high standard without fussing about it.
Of course he has flaws. He is a flaky, insecure, conflict-avoidant (swedish), man, etc... (I feel it's a bit weird to call insecurity a flaw so long as you are... aware of it/taking responsibility for your own feelings? that was another thing I liked- he was aware of his flaws without being self-flagellating) But being around him, or just chatting with him was FUN. and it was so... comfortable. I felt I could actually be meeee and that we were on equal footing.  like this was a completely new thing to me to miss a guy's presence/enjoy his company.


so basically like. a good friend. it's just that men are almost never good friends. They are blatant misogynists, or they are boring, or they don't understand me at all, etc.  I have never been proper friends with the guy I was dating before. NEVER.

I am 24 and I have never had a real relationship. and previously, I didn't care much. I didn't care much about the guys I dated, so I didn't care much about relationships as it just seemed unimportant to me. but now that I have experienced this sort of connection and understanding with someone I actually WANT a relationship. and it crushes me that I can't be with this person. Not that I think M was suuuuper special and unique, but it is just wildly unrealistic that I will ever meet another man that I connect with in this way. so, I'm very sad.

keep thinking of how if I didn't have a flatmate who would eventually start to complain about the smell, I could be one of those people who dies in their apartment and no one finds out about it for weeks and weeks. It kills me that he gets to be running around with the girl he loves while I am sitting alone (and I tried so hard not to be). I don't want the good weather if I have no one to enjoy it with. I have no social life, no matter what I do, no chance of finding a partner, no career, and no hobbies (everything is boring anyway). what am I supposed to live for, there's no point.

I have nothing. nothing nothing nothing. I have been working and trying and being fucking miserable for years and years thinking it will get better! it will get better! you will eventually achieve something! what do I have to show for all these years? nothing. my parents are probably in debt for my education. nothing to show for it.

like I realize most of my life is going to be a fucking miserable boring slog. stop telling me to do what I love, I don't love anything. I want to have MONEY because that gets me RESPECT. so that means I need to make SPECIFIC choices now so I can actually get a good job and have a fucking career. I don't give a shit if my job is actually kinda boring. do. not. give. a. fuck. I want a nice place to live, a small dog, and the ability to take care of my parents. that requires money. I'm so fucking tired of prancing around and pretending to care and never getting any damn answers from anyone and instead just getting patronizing bullshit.

it's like this past year was a huge joke. Oh, you thought that YOU could be happy? You thought that someone would understand you and care about you? of COURSE he doesn't return your feelings. of COURSE you won't be lucky with any of your job applications. of COURSE nothing good will happen no matter what you do. this is what the rest of your life will be like, I don't know where you got the idea that something could change.

I've never had a real relationship and I doubt I ever will. People just don't like me, men are mostly boring. I found ONE that I had any inkling of interest/feelings for and of course I am not good enough. despite my efforts I almost never meet new people, how the fuck am I ever supposed to develop a romantic relationship over the amount of time it takes to get to know someone and become friends with them?

I don't understand. I don't understand what I do wrong. I don't understand how others can be horrid/immature/obnoxious/boring and still have people following them around whereas I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. and why do I have to try so hard it's embarrassing.

I want to die. I want to die, I'm already so behind, this is impossible and pointless and I will never connect with anyone again.

I'm so tired. how do I keep working and studying for the next 2 years and then maybe not get into a program then what?

It's been a month and still any time I think about him my chest hurts. I feel sick, physically sick. I have nothing. no career prospects, no relationship, no money saved, no beauty or talent. I keep trying and I keep getting kicked down and laughed at, you're already SO tired they say, how will you do anything that's ACTUALLY difficult?

because I have to, because it's the only way to stay alive, because I don't have anything else to live for and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about that so I may as well distract myself with work.

(and echoing in my head "I have to get my life together" but he can't explain to me what that means except for that SHE has her life together. I will never, ever be good enough. wasn't for him. not for him, not for anyone, or anything.)

the thing is, I need some sort of long term goal or everything is pointless. so now it's resting on keeping my current job (I hope) and studying some statsvetenskap courses in the fall (if I can) to get my swedish really fluent/networking/ideas. So now I need to figure out how to get my grades explained properly to apply for courses, then study hard to pass the TISUS. Then keep applying for kundtjänst/ whatever else I can get related to banking/investment here, to eventually get into something related to anti money laundering/counter terrorist financing. (and then continue on with Russian and all my other ~hobbies while ignoring the fact that I don't have a social life just ignore it)

start a career, make money, have a life in the city.

I'm just never good enough for anyone or anything. On one hand I see why: am not particularly smart or pretty or anything. On the other though, why does it seem like I have to work so much harder than anyone else (and still fail)?

Well no one wants to be around me so I have no bargaining chips

I want to be one of them but I don't know how. probably never will

sometimes I feel ok but then I remember I have no experience and no way to get any experience that is worth anything. I'm playing some horrible game of catch up but I'm so far behind and I keep giving up so I'm even more behind. I don't know what to do. like, I don't want children, I don't care about guys, I am happy with my apartment and my city and my regular life in general. but the unavoidable fact is I have fucked up by not doing internships during university and not studying something more specific. I'm not soooooooo young anymore and it's only getting worse. at my age it is no longer acceptable to be as clueless as I am.

all I want is a respectable career in the city that I love. a respectable career, a cozy home, con

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. no one... likes me. there is always someone better, more interesting, prettier etc. I know this already. that's why I should focus on doing things. focus on things I can do something about. so why can't I make myself apply for jobs. I don't know what to do, don't know where to turn next. it feels hopeless and pointless and I'm so far behind anyway.

some things I am interested in/read about often:

belugas, orcas, porpoises, and narwhals. walruses and seals. evolutionary/biology 

geopolitics/the arctic, art/history, aviation.

science fiction and futurism, digital/media, linguistics, fairytales and folklore. 

personally, I want to be able to play an instrument and sculpt and read beautiful and enlightening books.

 I want more, more, more. I want to know more I want to see more I want to do more. reading a magazine today: eyelash extensions. WHAT THE FUCK? I want a life worth describing, enjoying, if only to myself. learning about the world and enjoying it is the whole point of existence, no?