I never ever want to live in a shitty miserable room again. NO NO NO
my standards are not that high: the room I have now is fairly small and a bit cold and the windows don't close properly etc but it is clean, bug free, quiet, and there is a pleasant view of the back road and the other little houses and the sunlight comes in nicely... I love it so much. It is basically all I want in a room. (of course it also helps that my flatmate is very nice and neat and quiet so sharing the bathroom and a teensy little kitchen is no problem at all)

living in flogsta was making me fucking depressed I swear I never want to live somewhere like that again.

felicia posted on fb about her horrible hospital cafeteria job
and my brain goes: remember, she speaks swedish and is a citizen and knows swedish people and has worked before and that's where SHE ended up
I am fucked
soooooooo fucked
so so so so so so fucked

I feel like a total fake just waiting to be discovered. I'm totally worthless, basically.
why didn't I suck it up and do something practical? (right, because I'm too stupid) my life is completely pointless and I'll never do anything worthwhile or be taken seriously at all.
because (well, I'm female that doesn't help) I can't do any physical stuff and I'm just not YAY FITNESS XTREME OUTDOORS WOO and also I didn't study science so fuck me then (this is what being back in alaska makes me feel...)

hahahaaaa I have never been trying to achieve "happiness" but rather "a state of not being miserable and hopeless"

having a someone essentially end a friendship for no apparent reason fucking sucks
having no friends also sucks
I hate my thesis topic
why am I such an embarrassment and why is my face awful I'm getting uglier by the minute

people's advice on how to make friends is fucking hi-larious
YES I AM REGULARLY/ALWAYS ABANDONED/IGNORED/LEFT OUT, SEEMINGLY REGARDLESS OF WHAT I SAY, DO, OR HOW I PRESENT MYSELF.
lollll like I have literally been doing all that ~advice~~ my whole goddamned life and it  hasn't gotten me shit.
I really enjoy spending time alone and doing my own thing. being clingy is not the problem, because if I didn't consciously make decisions to be social for my own well being then I would probably just forget to talk to anyone ever.
I am pretty kind and friendly- I have never felt that I hate people. (an older friend said to me "but you shouldn't have any problem, you're interesting and outgoing!" outgoing?!? lolz I'm just a good faker)  It's funny for such an introvert like me- but I really can figure out how to enjoy almost anyone's company. I find most people are fun or interesting in some way,  and I am not easily bothered by strange behavior- could just be a cultural difference, I'll give benefit of the doubt.

so, I find myself in the same place over and over again:  doing most everything on my own, and having friendly interactions with mostly pleasant acquaintances but wait,  NO FRIENDS. I say yes to pretty much every invitation I get (which is never many), try to invite them, and always do my best to have good conversation with said acquaintances... and nothing. people just don't like me. or everyone likes me, just superficially- not enough to actually extend or just return any effort of actual friendship. (or they just completely exclude/ignore me immediately, maybe because I'm boring??? idk?? but this has happened all the damn time literally my entire life. ok, so I had a group of friends in elementary school which I was included in but I was NOT one of the favorites and that was very clear.)

want to have a LIFE here but there is that whole "no personnummer, no job, no job, no personnummer" thing to deal with (esp because I have basically nothing to recommend me)

no idea when I'll have time to study swedish and the thought of my classmates passing me up on it kills me

and also, how to make friends? not that I've ever been any good at it... some things never change...

kind of think I may want to date someone again sometime but idk how I'll ever meet anyone ( I just can't do the "sleep with someone from a night out and then get to know them!!" none of that is fun. I don't much care for drinking or loud music and I hate dancing and I don't want no damn strangers in mah house!!!! also have to know a guy pretty well before I really feel any inclination to be sexual... I'm no prude but it just doesn't much interest me otherwise.) as I don't really meet anyone outside of school/work and why can't I just get to know someone for a while/ be friends first?!?! this whole dating thing is so blah to me.

I'm going to do some traveling next semester, (by request- not my idea! to brussels to see the family, germany to visit a friend, and maybe a weekend trip to luxembourg if I somehow find the time) but the guilt over money UGH!!!

so much guilt

good GOD I hate myself  

maddie graduated magna cum laude from school of economics, she's there looking like a model in her gown and I'm here being a useless slob 

"well, there is another dinner, not for the whole class though" well gee, how am I supposed to not take that personally? so yeah, I totally want to go when I know they'll all come having partied together already and I'll be some sort of weird interloper... speaking of which, they're probably all out for drinks right now and that's why my messages are unanswered

" you think about it too much! you're too sensitive!" yeah, easy to say when NONE OF THIS SHIT EVER GETS DONE TO YOU 

I've been thinking a lot about my dreams lately. they are always a bit unusual, often bordering on the nightmarish but when my room is too warm they become downright feverish and halucinatory. The tall white shapes I see moving towards me in the dark but I am so heavy I cannot leave the bed... I am always alone in my dreams, always running, fighting for my life... over and over again, my limbs are heavy, or my feet begin to stick to the ground, sometimes like running through mud or sand... I try desperately to fight back, to hurt someone but I am weak and it does nothing, or I cannot keep my eyes open even if I am holding my lids with my fingers... I am always trying to save people or warn them or protect them but they don't listen, they die anyways, I cannot help them enough because they are just too fragile for the whirlwind around them, or it is me, my body is falling apart, or being eaten by maggots or turning to orange slime and melting away in the sun, the bones of my hand painfully exposed... I am always very small, the landscapes massive and strange, or simply physically impossible, falling through dimensions I cannot navigate, always lost with a desperate sense of urgency: how have I been gone so long and I didn't even know? it's like I've been sleeping for eternity and just awoken to find this world falling apart around me- but there is always something that must be done, something to be escaped, a destination.... I will always see those giant eyes on their purple stalks, waving gently in the distance... that odd swampy land between the sea and an impenetrable forest, where the sun beat down hard and we ran to and fro on tiny boards suspended above the dead, acidic water...

wow I have no friends how unusual
next year is going to fucking suck: class, thesis, job, and trying to speak a second language the whole time while people are like
~ ew  y is she trying so hard
bc you cannot live here if you don't speak the language you fucking idiots
"well, just have your parents take a loan so you can buy an apartment."
L O FUCKING L
"why can't you just get a cafe job or something?'
hey, I'd love to, but seeing as my friend who is a swedish citizen and speaks swedish and has years of experience working in a cafe could NOT, I'm a bit concerned about my chances. secondly, do you really think that a cafe is going to jump through the flaming legal hoops and extra work just for like a waitress?? nah, didn't think so

HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET A JOB how the fuck am I going to get a place to live??

well fuck me I have a terrible crush on an unavailable person
(99.99999999999% sure he has a girlfriend but  I'm not asking bc I don't wanna shatter the tiny illusion of possibility...)