oh my god
if I don't get  a job there I'm going to kill myself

who am I kidding I'll never get into the choir
won't make any friends
classes will be horrible
I'll still be ugly and awkward and cant even pull myself together
my boyfriend will still be embarassing

the whole being negative and complaining about random irrelevant things
I STILL feel like I initiate everything
Its really annoying that you say "don't hold things back" but I feel like I can't talk to you because I'm so afraid of offending you
I feel really fucking stupid  because I'm always the one who's calling and hanging after you
don't be so  judgmental of stuff I like. why can't you just relax and go with it? why are you so against any girly things? it is NOT the same to not want to watch gory or depressing stuff. just bc it's not super ~artistic merit~ doesn't mean it's irrelevant or awful
it DOES feel like you're being dismissive when almost everything I say is "why would you do THAT/ noooo"

I desperately need people around. I know that even if I don't want them, I need to interact with people every day to not be crazy and depressed. nothing keeps me feeling more balanced and together than regularly doing things with "friends" (even if they kind of suck)
but at the same time sometimes I just want to run away from it all. all of these people who have expectations of me (although I'm pretty sure thats mostly in my head) but never return anything. they're just there as a constant source of stress. like I just wanna go somewhere I don't know anyone so I won't have to think about anyone else.

I hate myself
no one likes me
everyone annoys me
I don't really know why I feel so awful

D hasn't replied
tumblr people haven't replied
still a little mad at L

I am never fucking happy 

never content and I don't even know why, what is wrong 

I feel like I'm panicking
I'm not in love with my boyfriend? but actually I have no idea what love feels like and especially because I haven't seen him in a month?
the sort of person I'm looking for doesn't exist and even if they did I probably still would not feel anything for them?

he needs to judge me less
he needs to relax more, about everything (I'm sorry I don't care about every world problem)
and have a better sense of humor, to actually "get" things
he needs to be more secure and sure, I don't want to take care of him, and I don't constantly want to worry about him taking things the wrong way, I don't want to always make all of the decisions
quit being such a victim all the time
no, you doesn't actually understand. and I can't explain it without offending you
how are you always tired (see: quit fucking complaining/ being a victim all the time)

dear god I hate that person so much it makes me feel like my head is going to explode

please take some initiative! have a strong personal identity! be at least a little sure of yourself, like me- I do not really have the best self esteem so if yours is worse you must have some crippling insecurities and I don't really want to deal with that!
(and maybe be taller pls)

I want to be in love but I don't even know what that is and I don't know how
I want to be happy about life but I am seemingly incapable of that

stupid things I am worrying about: what if we broke up, would the housing be awkward?
my fucking coat I want a different winter coat but I feel bad
what next? do I really want to go back? I have no idea what I want

god I am so fucking lonely

dear GOD I am so bored and sad
is this it
what do I do

I got accepted to the masters program yay! my incredibly sweet and cute boyfriend is coming to visit me yay!

why am I not excited why do I not care why am I still miserable

I need to live somewhere beautiful. I need to see the ocean again.
I miss all those daydreams I used to have...
I don't know what I want, I'm so unsure, I have a plan but it's so shaky everything is uncertain no matter how hard I work and I just want to cry
because even if I am successful in everything I will still have to go through another year of school, and then its job-or-get-kicked-out of the country, and I'm just at a loss at this point I don't know how to get better at speaking, what if the rest of my life is worse what if the language barrier ruins everything I don't even know