why am I so fucking ugly, this just isn't fair, I hate everything, etc.

oh just be a happy little fucking robot WELL I CANT FUCKING DO THAT everyone in this world is just fucking laughing at me all the fucking time
I'm ignored, dismissed, put down, laughed at constantly, and everyone says that it isn't even happening if I dare say something I'm whiny and oversensitive OH LOOK SHE'S CRYING NOW, it's because shes a girl, a weak, emotional, pathetic, stupid fucking girl 
and if I pulled out a gun and shot them all then I'd just be a psychopath, "crazy! no reason! (must have been pmsing haha women are so stupid)
really, why are there not more female serial killers. I've half a mind to be one myself. oh wait, that's right, I actually have some self control. because this society doesn't CONSTANTLY EXCUSE MY HORRID FUCKING BEHAVIOR and  in fact reward me for it, because you know, "boys will be boys" and women are just crazy and stupid and whiny
oh, you're just getting me "riled up?" trying to see if I'll yell or swear? for fun? well good luck with that one honey, you're gonna be here all night. you see, the thing is, I'M ALREADY REALLY FUCKING MAD. more anger than I know what to do with, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. but you know what, I hold it in. because there is really no acceptable way for me to express it. and if I did, you guessed it! that's right, I would just be crazy. I can't "go off with my mates" punch some peoples faces in, act like a brain dead animal that believes it's entitled to everything, and have it written off as "testosterone" and "boys being boys"
fuck that shit. get some goddamned self control you little shits. you have no fucking idea what it is like to NOT have your every little whim and desire catered to you, and yet you're the ones who can't control your emotional reactions? are you fucking kidding me? what the fuck do you even have to be angry about? I have people asking me, wow, you're actually really angry aren't you? (yes, anger can be expressed non physically without raising your voice, but you apes are too stupid to figure that one out) why are you so angry? and I want to scream BECAUSE I'VE GOT ABOUT 5,000 GOOD REASONS TO BE AND ANOTHER 5 THOUSAND YEARS OF WRONG TO BACK IT UP but instead I make a sarcastic remark and let it go
because there is STILL nothing I can do. but you will continue on with your stupid little lives convinced that you are right and women are crazy and no one will ever try and prove you wrong.

I want money because money equals freedom. I don't want anybody else to have any hold over me, I don't want to have to do what I'm told, I don't want to be stuck in one place forever, all I want is some fucking respect  and apparently having money is the only god dammed way to get any in this world

I know NOTHING
I CAN'T DO FUCKING ANYTHING
I don't know anything about anything, not even anything useless just nothing at all I just want to fucking kill myself because I have no ability to do anything at all

I feel so trapped
I'm trying to escape but there is no where to escape to
which is pathetic, because I've got more options than most

I need to MAKE things, actually go out and DO things, instead of just sitting and passively consuming, letting things (well, nothing much) happen to me, instead of making things happen
I feel like I can't do anything like someone else is always pulling the strings


the thing is, I don't mind being alone, if you take away all the ~societal judgement~ that comes with it. I mean, I love people, but at the same time I'm not really bothered by the idea of being alone. especially if I'm doing something interesting. I just have to remember

why can't I at least have nice skin. isn't it enough to have droopy, tiny black eyes, a weird shape with thick legs, flat chest, bloby face fuzzy hair, spots, couldn't I at least have skin that didn't make me look like I'm aging prematurely fuck everything I want to rip someone's guts out this is just so fucking unfair

I fucking hate it when people do the ~~don't compare yourself to other people!! every1 is beautiful!!~~~
I'm  sorry, it sounded like you just said "please bash my head in with a very large rock until I am nothing but a mess of guts and bone bits", and you know, I wouldn't mind helping you w/that

I feel so trapped- like "real life" is rushing towards me, it'll be horribly boring/depressing, then I get old and die.
wait what? that's not what I want, but I can't seem to figure out what to do about it  
I have to break the pattern somehow, but I am not bright, smart, unique, assertive enough?  to make it happen
but I have to think that I will, or I'll want to jump off a cliff

plan (sort of): work while I'm abroad, save money, visit switzerland, finland, iceland, then when I finish school go back to sweden (?), work for a while and save money (or au pair, and stay) and get in really good shape this coming year so I can go exploring better in New Zealand in 2014/15- take it either as a gap year and go straight back to grad school in Sweden...or just be done because I'm magically able to make a career out of something somewhere...

it's so amazing- this time last year I was crushingly depressed (and even worse the year before that...) but I'm  ... fine 
I've eaten so many cookies, but I don't want to kill myself?! ha what I just feel ok. a tiny part of it is that I got over the "I want christmas to be just like it was when I was a kid (and am upset when no one else is up for it- I usually end up decorating by myself)" but I've accepted that I probably won't get to see all my cousins, we won't put all the ornaments on the tree, it won't "feel like christmas" because it's just another day, and there's nothing wrong with that! (no matter what everyone else would have you believe). The other part is that I've been so absorbed helping my mom in the classroom, spending time with my cousins, running christmas errands (because all the gifts and food are my job too now) and all the stuff I have to do to get prepped to go abroad in January (of which I still have a lot to do).
but somehow, I've been staying up late but not feeling horrid about it... not quite what I was going for but I'll take it. I still can't sleep, but hey at least the lack of sleep is not making me suicidal, just sleepy!
it's really the same this year but for some reason it feels different. I feel like I've finally broke out, that I retain the self I've developed into when I return home instead of just sliding back.
Still worried about:
1. christmas gifts for people (too late oops but where do I send those packages?!)
2. everything I still have to do before I go
3. my skin is not as nice as I'd like it to be
4. I want waist length hair but it is so hard to keep my hair nice at the ends :C

I need to get in (better) shape and spend less (no) money this year
honestly the prospect of getting  a job is what's most exciting to me- I will finally have an income, actually my own money that I won't feel (so) guilty about having, I'll save it for a plane ticket New Zealand, or a train ticket for the TSRR, or my pilot's license after I graduate... maybe I just won't tell anyone

I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL

when I'm done with my bachelor's I just want to be done

the whole going to grad school thing is becoming less and less and less appealing to me, but it seems like I have to, to get a job/make any money/etc (and I could potentially go for free so I don't really have an excuse not to go, but goddamn I don't want to) 

the problem is I just don't know what I want

I just want to have ADVENTURE
the sort that doesn't really exist in this world (and never would have, for me)

I want to re read/watch all of lord of the rings... I can't tell if the hobbit was a good movie or if I just loved it because of nostalgia
I wish I had the time/money/lack of embarrassment to dress up for things
I wish otto would dress like finn, he has the hair it would be so adorable- I want to show them firefly, adventure time, etc but I can't bring the dvds so I don't know

ok tomorrow:
1. get up when alarm goes off
2. put gym clothes on
3. strip bed
4. do laundry
5. clean up room
6. go to gym
7. make appointments
8. check/send emails
9. plan
10. do something to study swedish

well fuck now I'm so fucking anxious I can't even think about sleeping

sometimes I just get so exhausted. All of my clothes, all of the things I do to my hair to try and make it not...look like shit, all the things I try to make my skin better, it's all so fucking pointless because even if all of it worked I'd still be fucking ugly
I panic sometimes and put all my hair back and pin it so I can't see it or feel it move because if I didn't I would do something like cut it all off and then stab myself in the face

It's ALL FUCKING POINTLESS why even bother to try, because I'm going to be a fucking failure anyways

I'm so terrified that this is all just made up and it'll never actually happen
also, half of what I'm doing is trying to get into gradschool but fuck I really don't want to go to school anymore

accidentally picked too much and made a little bloody bruise spot at the corner of my nose (hurts)
and it'll look horrid in the morning too- good mood ruined ( I am such an idiot)
(dear god I will NEVER graduate early and NEVER be successful I can't even not be disgusting)

finally bought a flight, happy?! (but already dreading having to come back a little...)
should I change my name
?
I need to learn to drive stick shift
I also need to loose weight
but all I want to do is bake things (I'll do my usual make things and then give them all away I think)

I've been thinking about clothes again; I am done with skirts. I only want pants (but not always?) I feel  silly, stupid, not like myself when I wear super-girly clothing
I want power, I don't want to wear anything that I cannot move well in
sometimes I like the girly thing, put on a pretty sweater or a nice dress and pearl earrings and pin back my hair just so and all of the old ladies looooooovvee me and everyone thinks I'm so respectable such a good girl, doing mundane things and being so nice and polite to everyone and smiiiling so much and we talk about church, because we always talk about church, and she's such a nice girl so she must be christian, marriage and babies in her future, yes, not like all those other girls, the whores, the ones with bare shoulders or the ones who have opinions the ones who don't smile placidly at boys' antics...
it's partially, there's a divide. I dress one way for "adult" society and I dress another for myself
sometimes I find myself trying to dress in a way that makes me more approachable- so I don't "scare boys away" as my mother says- but the problem is I like scaring people. it is so silly, what do they think I'm going to do to them?
to scare average citizens: be tall and thin, wear black and gray, everything fitted, boots, high collared jacket, walk fast, march, no quiet feet, no smile, and people practically jump out of your way

being back home feels like a strange dream. like I don't really belong here (I belong here more than anywhere else but still not much, where is home? I want this to be home but I feel like a guest now) and I'll wake up in my dorm tomorrow with my funny roommates and all the nice people in the hall (that seem so so far away now. like it never really happened. like I dreamed the last 3 months)

I want to be independent, to need no one, to not care, but I am so weak. and I do care, so much. and I have no personality of my own. I'm not really a person, I'm just whatever fits the situation. which is why I'll never get anywhere in life- pathetic.
I need there to be people around who care about me, whom I can care for in return, I can't be happy otherwise

if I'm being honest with myself I can't see my life going any way but badly. all of my plans, ideas, goals are just some flimsy dream, hope, always looking forward to disguise what's actually happening to me

I will never find someone
but why am I worried about this?

it feels like I'm sinking again. into a sticky, dark, sluggish bog filled with nothing but confused thoughts and hopeless feelings with no sense of time or place or beginnings or endings where I am always exhausted and my eyes always hurt and the light is to bright or too dim and I can't focus on anything at all or form a coherent thought to save my life and I just eat aimlessly but I'm never hungry and it's never good and I'm so hopelessly, desperately bored and I never get anything done,  I get no enjoyment out of anything because I'm just so tired and I don't feel anything I feel like I'm walking through a dream where I can't move and can't see and it never ends

ok here I am, exactly where I was last year I am disgusting
going to the gym first thing tomorrow morning, forcing myself to do things even though I have NO motivation whatsoever (fuck fuck what am I going to do when I get there I haven't studied for four days I am so fucking fat and disgusting how do I fix this before  I get there, no one will like me anyways)
I just DREAD going to sleep again but I'm so so tired but I stay up anyways
WHY THE FUCK IS THERE NO SNOW HERE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK THAT IS THE ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF WINTER HERE
20 below, 30 below with wind, everything is dead and depressing where is the snow, I have no idea it doesn't feel like Christmas break it doesn't even feel like winter last term was over so quickly and I didn't really want to leave
I have started saying my plans aloud- I feel like if I don't they are just ideas that don't exist my parents laughed but have we NOT been having conversations about me graduating early so you can retire? what, did you think it was a fucking joke because I was not fucking joking this is my life and I am FUCKING DONE living there, not to mention it would save you thousands of dollars and you could retire earlier? why the FUCK are you not being supportive? I am trying to do this mostly for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS
FUCK YOU

can't wait until I can go home and have food that doesn't smell so fucking bad I fucking hate it when my roommates eat in here bad smells are very distracting/irritating to me I can't wait until I have my own room and there will be NO FOOD IN IT EVER

interesting dreams lately:
1. speaking swedish with nora on a floating island in a blue water cave
2. the end of the world- running through a field in the early morning to get to the last ship
3. one I though of last night and can remember nothing about now
there was also the one with the enormous sand bowl... and the polar bears...

actually sort of happy right now, what? the sun is out, maybe I should go outside
(I'm so ready to be done with this, and it's almost over!)

well thank goodness that weirdness is over- today I've been thinking about personal style/fashion all that jazz (again. It's not like I ever stop). I'm really trying to develop my own style, perhaps that can transition to be a little more mature? I kind of have a uniform, I love the high waist shorts with leggings and comfy boots, then a tank top and a good jacket. It makes me feel like... if I was suddenly dropped into a post apocalyptic wasteland and had to fight dragons or something, I would be completely prepared (and dressed practically) for kicking ass and climbing and running away from creatures and stuff

I feel so weird these past few days have lasted for eons and eons last week seems like it was years ago I feel so disconnected from everything not so long ago I was sad about leaving everyone but now I just want this term to be fucking over I feel like this ending is dragging on unbearably it seems so far away I just want to go home and then leave already

I feel old and weird but also hopelessly immature at the same time, doesn't anyone else think about the future? (also, why does anyone have children in their early 20s you just seem incredibly stupid) I think about where I want to be in 10 years because what I do now has a drastic effect. I have never wanted children before but all of a sudden I've made a complete switch, it is so weird. (there is no point thinking about this now, I will not have children for almost 12 years but I feel almost obsessive about it whereas before a couple weeks ago I couldn't care less) like I'm stuck thinking about the far future and am somehow detached from what I'm doing now. (I  have this weird feeling of being tired already, I want to skip everything. skip dating, sex, career, and just go straight to a little red house and a few children. skip babies, just magically have a couple of 5-6 year olds (and lots of money) appear and I will be the best parent ever)

to do list for this winter break: fix skin, hair, wardrobe, figure out makeup/perfume, buy a sewing machine and start making stuff, start in on my reading list, watch all the films I've been meaning to watch, organize my music library, spend lots of time in the classroom, figure out budgeting/life plan, decorate the house, do a lot of baking and cooking, go skating, see old friends as much as possible, see how I can help my parents, learn to snowboard,  prepare everything to go abroad, and when I arrive there make the little bit sad decision to speak only in Swedish.

sometimes I'm really happy: so many people have told me "oh, you're so good at swedish already after studying there for a semester you'll be completely fluent"
but then I read things that say it's very easy to become conversationally fluent and then never progress any further
(NeverGoingToLearnThisLanguage/CurrentlyScreamingHopelessly)
I need a fucking JOB there. No, not a job, a CAREER that will pay a whole fucking lot of money I CANNOT have this as a disadvantage. I am talentless/useless enough as it is   (I am an extreme advance planner: I want a nice apartment (preferably where I can have some sort of pet) in the city while I build my career (while being extremely well dressed and eating good food), I want to travel and visit everyone, get my pilot's license, a husband and 2-5 extremely well dressed and behaved children, then a "little red house" in the country with space for a horse(s) as my children grow up, a "mother in law" apartment on my land that my parents can live in and the means to care for them in their old age (and help pay for their vacations to Italy), a summer house by the sea, the ability to maintain a high standard of living and continue being able to travel (with my children), possibly start my own business, or to retire (with horses). I need a whole fucking lot of money to make this happen, and therefore a career, and to get that career I have to speak swedish helt flyttande som en svensk- professionally no accent no accent)
takeaway lesson: I have a max of the next 2.5 years to speak this language COMPLETELY FUCKING PERFECT, FLAWLESSLY, INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM A NATIVE SPEAKER
is that even possible
well it'll have to be

more:
flossing
working out
moisturizing
water drinking
cooking and baking
getting up early
making things
writing (pens and pencils)
reading
singing and dancing (newly possible with my own room)
socializing
expressing love/gratitude to friends and family members

less:
computer time
being bored
snacking
going to bed late
picking
sitting

things I want to do but will never be able to (continued):
4. be a trapeze artist
5. be a voltigeur (equestrian vaulting)

three things I want to do but will never be able to:
1. be part of a cavalry charge
2. be in the moscow ballet
3. be in starfleet

Sernandersväg 7 - 542 752 61 Uppsala (Flogsta)

why am I so upset about this (there's nothing I can do)
why am I panicking now what will I do when I get there
why am I so ugly and awkward
ugly, stupid, annoying child
I'd rather disappear

yeah, I definitely need to lose weight
I need to stop wavering on it and just DO IT

I want to:
be able to do the splits, handstand, apply makeup well, dance, and snowboard
I'm too old, fuck

I feel so shaky and sick all of the time my skin just keeps getting worse
so gross

I'm fucking disgusting and I just get worse looking every day, it's really no surprise that no one has shown any interest in me

sad, again
sigh. winter sunlight does that even here, I guess

this weekend has given me a lot to think about
I need someone that I can talk to about everything, someone older/wiser
who?
not my mother (but I need to talk to her when I get home- what does she want?)
I still don't really have anyone to talk to- not my friends
I feel very anxious

I've decided...
I want to keep a journal in writing while I'm away. something I can draw all over and paste pictures and collages, stickers, etc., note music,  as well as write in (with cool pens of course) so over break I'll look for the perfect notebooks... it'll give me something to do, much better that going on the computer.
I need to fix up my wardrobe,  etc. when I get home, that's the main thing
make sure I get there a couple days early too
there are still some things I need to finish up here, the last couple assignments, studying for finals, moving out, getting the last bits of paperwork in. everything feels so disorganized, I would like to just be DONE with everything but I don't think that's happening.

I have spots everywhere I feel sick why can't I just stop eating

reading back through this blog, a little surprised how well things have worked out.
i would be ok now, except  I lost my keys and don't have a ride to the airport this weekend which is causing me irrational amounts of anxiety.
why can't I just finish those papers, it's the last two assignments I have.
I can't wait to go home, clear my head, have a little restart

getting fatter every day, my skin sucks, hate myself so much

plain old sad
for no reason
again
(always)

lose weight lose weight lose weight lose weight
jag måste gå ner i vikt

I'm sad for no reason
I  feel really sleepy and sick, but it's ok because I've been getting stuff done

wait I'm actually getting really attached to these people... it would be so much easier to graduate earlier if I stayed.. should I stay?
FUCK it is way way WAY too late to be having these thoughts
I don't know what to do

edit: ok that's passed now, maybe. I just can't be excited for or look forward to anything, I just can't for some reason I think of all of the stuff I have to do

Things that are upsetting me right now:

1. this paper

2. the second paper

3. the other two papers I have to write (which are pointless busywork assignments but they have to be done in a VERY SPECIFIC WAY at a VERY SPECIFIC TIME) 

4. all of the other work I have to do 

5. my teeth 

6. my hair

7. my skin

8. I'M GETTING FAT (why can't I eat better) 

9. I STILL haven't received my official acceptance letter

10. do I have to wait for it? it seems like my visa application is way too late?

11. I still don't know how to write a decent paper

12. I have to turn in that bill

13. I cannot forget the doctor's appointment 

14. or the orientation day 

15. FINALS

16. I have to come up with a topic for my thesis like, now.

17. I have no idea how to do this also it has to be specifically related to my grad school program?

18. I will have to declare it/my major while I'm abroad?

19. dear god I need an adviser PLEASE I NEED MY SWEDISH PROF TO SAY YES

20. I also have to find an adviser like yesterday 

21. I am back to maybe graduating a year early

22. now I HAVE TO 

23. but WHAT IF the credits don't transfer properly? I have no way of telling ahead of time 

24. finding a place to live 

25. "residential credits?"

26. I still haven't had a job (dear god how could I possibly have a job right now) 

27. so much money I want to kill myself 

28. guilt over leaving my parents

29. I will never make friends

30. I will never have a boyfriend

31. I have no clue what to do with myself after school

32. I'm disgusting and I hate myself 

33. I'm going to fail 

34. I'm a horrible friend 

35. guilt 

sometimes I just can't believe how repulsive I am.
how do I get out of this
I just want to fucking rip my face off

I talked to mom about my plans yesterday (for going abroad and grad school) , and... she was very approving. I was so surprised. She also said she was so impressed with how frugal I've been.
I have done extremely well on exams this year, and one of my essays was chosen as the best in class and posted online.
I managed to get the absentee ballot figured out, and I'm finally making progress on my visa application. My credits will (99% sure) work out, I can graduate when I want to.
I'm listening to regina spektor and remembering that day I saw her in Sweden, listening to Marina and the diamonds and being nostalgic for last year.
I spent all morning out walking, I discovered a neighborhood full of lovely houses with little gardens and lots of stone paths up in the hills, if it's not raining tomorrow I'm going to go up there again and wander. (wandering outside is so much better than spending my time procrastinating online)
these things make me happy I guess

my time on Gotland still holds some of my favorite memories. That day eating candies from a striped paper bag while wandering around Visby, and then sitting and drinking tea with Marie was just one of my favorite days ever. I listened to whatever they picked, so now I play adele or one direction to feel really nostalgic for Sweden. I was unabashedly being myself without thinking about it, without having thought about it for weeks, because there was no pressure to be a certain way? I really wonder if I'll feel the same when I go back.
I will go visit Jung Hee before I go to grad school.

I need to fly. I have to get my pilot's license, it's the only thing I really want in life.

I will lose weight.
I need to get everything in order again.

note to self: he doesn't think about you at all. he has a girlfriend, he's forgotten you even exist. stop thinking about him, you are creepy and stupid.

It makes me sad to watch them, the way she touches his hair and says hello, and he always smiles a little shyly as if he's still surprised she's talking to him. I lay there on the gym floor, thinking
 I'm going to stop eating, so I will become thinner, prettier, and a boy like that will love me. 
I know this is not true, but subconsciously I think (hope) it will work. I lay there on the floor and think
there will never, ever be anyone for me 
It seems as if I can almost see my life swelling before me, lonely, empty. I imagine someone smiling at me in that sweet way and tears well up. I remind myself that I don't need anyone else, but for some reason late in the evening I always feel soft and weak and sad. And I want, I want desperately but I can't say why. I don't know if it's me that wants or if it's what I've been told I should need.

They say it doesn't matter. There are so many people dedicated to telling the world "it doesn't matter how you look! it's whats on the inside that counts!" But the problem is, it does matter. Maybe someday it won't but it does now. Also, what if there isn't anything inside? I have to be prettier to make up for my lack of personality. But then I hate myself for buying into this scheme. Why should I have to be pretty? Why do I need another person to care about me? I shouldn't, I don't owe it to anyone! I don't, I do just fine on my own! but I am so disgusted with my body and with who I am, I cannot separate them. and I care about people so much, and I want to be loved by someone, so badly...  and I am pathetic for thinking this way.

the fact that I am too stupid to complete even the simplest of tasks makes me want to kill myself. I am in my second year of college, I can't write a decent paper, so I may as well just shoot myself in the face because I will never be able to do anything.

I want power
I want to control, influence, change; people, the world around me

I am so stupid and useless, I'm a complete fake. I'm just bullshitting my way through everything, I'll never actually get anywhere

I wonder if my life becomes less significant, profound because I have never fought for anything.  My dreams are full of blood and violence, I am always fighting, struggling for myself, or to protect someone else. I'm not always angry in my dreams though, most often I'm just desperate.

I thought everyone dreamed like me, but most people say they do not. My dreams are always full of impossible/non existent landscapes populated by horrifying creatures, they are almost always desperate; violent, bloody, disgusting, overshadowed by a creeping dread. But I always wish I could show other people the amazing places and things I've seen in my dreams. They're usually complicated stories, but I'm only left with images and impressions when I wake up. Sometimes it's like I have a sequence of dreams over the space of a few days, where they all seem to take place in the same universe or have a certain feeling to them... sometimes I can't tell the difference between what I dreamed while asleep and remembering thinking about the dream while I was awake.

I'm already tired of this. university is not the "next step into the real world" its a regression to some weird delaying- bubble. I had far more "responsibility" and "independence" when I was at home. I'm tired of being treated like a drunken child, tired of the school trying to take more money from me, tired of feeling like I'm less prepared because I'm not actually doing anything, tired of feeling like I'm stuck in limbo and not really going anywhere.

I feel like no one actually likes me. they just tolerate me. people always get annoyed with me, tired of me eventually.  no one has ever sought out my company, it's always me. always me, my mother says "well you need to _____ more!" (because, of course, everything is completely my fault) but the thing is, I do. I call my friends, I invite them to do things, I talk to people, I listen... and my efforts have never been reciprocated. I am not a loud person, I am not nosy, I have zero interest in trying to get someone to like me. If I have to put that much effort in it is not going to happen. The problem is my friends, the people I do know, seem to forget that I exist unless I am right in front of them, and even then they ignore me. I will be saying something, and then they'll just start talking to each other while I'm still talking, or not even look at me. It's happened so many times, I start to answer someone's question (If you don't want my reply, do not ask me questions) and they start talking to someone else like I'm not even there before I've even said two words. S does this all the time. "you told me that, bro" yes, I know, but someone else asked me about it and they were actually listening to me before you interrupted? also I was not talking to you as evidenced by the fact that I did not say your name nor was I looking at you? you're not the only person in this room? people always interrupt me and talk over me I just need to stop talking.
S can't stand it when she isn't the expert on something. Which is fine, I don't care but you sound really stupid when you talk about guns or drinking. Stop calling people sluts and then turning around and going off on various bits of pop culture for being sexist (especially twilight/50 shades etc YOU ARE BEATING A DEAD HORSE. a very dead horse. also, stop talking about how you ~~HATE ALL POP MUSIC. It does not make you so aware/cool/counter-culture. I don't know, I'm a little more concerned about the current societal attitudes that make things so shitty for women, (attitudes that you seem to agree with half the time?) not stupid books that have been analyzed and critiqued to death by everyone and their mother. no one cares)  I can't talk about anything without being told to "calm your tits bro!". Do I sound panicked? I don't think so. Do I sound like you anytime you talk about various superhero movies, etc? yes. Are you only telling me to calm down because there might be a guy around and you want to be seen as the "chill" girl? yes. because obviously the only thing I can be interested in is the same shit that everyone else is interested in. It's either "calm your tits" from these people or the "raised eyebrows" look from H which makes me want to fucking shoot someone. H: "oh, you're talking about something I know nothing about? I'm sure it's really stupid then so I'm going to try and act superior". So, what is "freaking out" jumping up and down, screaming, panicking? talking about something all the time? raising your voice? because I have never done any of these things yet I am constantly accused of "freaking out". I will often say "ugh, I am super worried about ~~~ because this has been such a mess and no one is answering my emails". If you don't want to hear it, say so. Sorry for trying to get things done. Yeah, so the stuff I was worried about last year? yeah it actually went really badly for me. Things have gotten pretty screwed up. But I didn't panic (I never do) and I haven't given up yet, so forgive me if I'm mildly concerned and want to double check things. If I learned anything in my first year of college, it is that you cannot trust ANYONE. You must do everything yourself. The world is absolutely full of hopelessly incompetent, useless adults who don't know how to do their jobs. You have to double and triple check everything. Universities are useless bureaucracies that are only trying to get as much money as they can out of you.

I really want to make toys
or write for a show like adventure time
I would be good at both of those things
but I'm not remotely on a track to do either of those things

I think I'm studying international relations because it's interesting to me, and the school work that comes with it is something I can do pretty easily. The problem is, I don't want to work for an NGO. I don't really want to work for the US govt. (not that I could ever get a decent job), and there's no fucking way that I could make it into the UN and I'm not even sure I want to. If I'm in Sweden (like I want to be) it'll take forever to become a citizen, I wouldn't be able to work for their government. I'm just interested in how the world works. I feel like a lot of this international relations etc should be basic stuff that everyone learns. I want to travel also, but I feel like my interest in traveling is a little different than a lot of people's. I want to see things, sure, but I'm more interested in spending a lot of time in one certain place, absorbing it, learning a different culture, trying to connect with people on more than a surface level. I want to know what regular life is like in X country. I only really enjoy going places where I can stay with people I know (I'm lucky to have these connections).
I'm not anywhere in the universe of good enough/crazy enough to make it through art school, and it doesn't seem worth it to go through years and years of making boring stuff I don't care about when I can just make things at home for fun.

what am I doing with my life I don't even know what I want (well I sort of do, but I know I'll never be able to make it happen)

I also want to write/tell stories (I would not be particularly good at that)

I want to spend less time doing things that don't make me think
I want to create more of my own things
I want to read more
I want to be more aware
I want to educate myself
I want to stay in contact with people and make more connections
I want to better express love and gratitude
I want to train or tame an animal
I want to have my own space

I need to create, not just consume. The problem is, materials cost money. Which is why people write, but I'm too stupid to write anything. Everyone and their mother wants to be a writer though, maybe I should start writing more stuff down anyways. I've always enjoyed working with my hands, making things, actual tangible objects as a product of labor. I haven't written a decent paper in forever, it's like I don't know how anymore.  I should be writing very good papers so I can have a catalog of old work to fall back on, but they're all terrible because I'm lazy? I'm very good at seeing things in three dimensions and figuring out how to build them/ how they go together. I really want to go back to making things with clay... I'm thinking about buying a little sewing machine I have so many ideas of things I want to make. its just that these things don't really work in a dorm room. and I don't really want to be spending money at all. (that's the one good thing to be said of the internet: cheap entertainment.) if I did get a sewing machine, would I buy it here or at home? how much would it cost to ship it back and forth to sweden with me and what about the converter? should I just buy one there? what if it's too expensive/I can't find fabrics/thread anywhere?
(also what am I going to do with my bike?? hopefully someone can take it I'm really attached to it now)

1. I want to finish school early, preferably somewhere else
2. I want to fly
3. I want to teach/volunteer/work abroad
4. I want to speak at least one other language fluently
5. I want to go to all of the places on my list, and visit everyone
6. I want to have power and respect
7. I want to help someone(s) in some way
8. I want to leave something behind
9. I want to be healthy, stylish and beautiful
10. I want to develop non-academic skills

I have screwed everything up so fucking bad
no matter what I do I'm wasting years of my life, and how much of my family's money? I am so disgusting I fucking hate myself. there is no way this is going to work, but I can't admit it, so I just have to keep going on the tiniest chance that this will happen even though logically I KNOW it won't work
why do I even want this? because I have nothing else
NOTHING
I have no skills, no interests, nothing to do, nothing to work for, nothing to look forward to... everything costs money, money I don't have

I am fucking sick of my parents paying for everything. They give me too much, they actually think I'm going to be something... I want to be independent, free of this crushing guilt. so when I'm hungry bc I'm so poor on my own...well thank god I don't have to feel guilty, because guilt feels worse than hunger

I am terrified
I will fail, I have no idea what I want to do I am already so behind
my life is going to be poor, mundane, and endlessly boring until I die, having achieved nothing and leaving nothing behind

I feel completely braindead
I am so tired I cannot think properly

ok I was feeling awesome earlier today but now I feel horrid I am so stressed out I am a little behind on reading, but it seems impossible to actually do all of it anyways?? I have a ton of work every day for one of my classes and I have to come up with a research question for another by tomorrow (I have no idea it's way too broad) I have 2 tests coming up (36 pages of vocab I don't even know what to do with that) and art history, I don't really know how to study for it and I have 12000 other things to do god damn the chapters in that book are sooo long I haven't read about anything other than france but that is all we've talked about unless I've missed something, and I have no idea what the film class is going to be like, it is like impossible to do all the readings?? I am confused and behind already?? I keep mixing up my two international studies classes the notes are all mixed together and I can never remember what I've read and what i haven't... on top of all that I'm trying to get all of the study abroad stuff together, I don't know where to turn those papers in and what if I don't get my scholarship and why did no one tell me about that other scholarship it is probably too late now for both why will no one tell me the dates so I can buy a ticket (still haven't bought the ticket home for x mas 'cause no one knows when my swedish final is!!!) who do I talk to about the credits? can I talk to anyone abt it? what about where I'm living? who do I talk to for that? how do I figure out if it's worth it to stay or not, and am I actually enrolled?? what do I have to do to get a residency permit? also I was going to apply to my major but then I went nope I do not have the time to write 3 essays and get recommendations and find an advisor etc etc but what if I need to have declared already what fresh hell will this cause

well, I spent less time than I normally do on the computer yesterday and started reading deathless instead. I have not enjoyed a book this much for a very very long time... I feel so much better. I have new plans forming now, I feel like I'm approaching real-life daydreaming very tentatively (I have a tendency to let what can happen in my life mix with my imagination into impossible scenarios) but, new ideas? I need to start saving money now.

so I watched detatchment the other day. I was expecting hipster nonsense and that's mostly what it was, but it made me think about all of the kids I've worked with the past few years, especially a few this year...and I just want to cry because I know their lives are going to be so, so hard and there's really nothing I can do to help them. they're not mine, none of them are and you are supposed to remain detached because its really none of your business even though with kids this age you are so much more involved in their home life. I would never teach high school. when they're little, even if their home lives are horrible they can still be helped by some crackers and a hug, a stroke on the cheek and smile at them as you tell them "don't worry sweetheart, you're fine". then tie their shoes and zip their coat, send them outside to play-

and it just makes me want to scream and cry the way my government absolutely destroys what little chance some of these kids have

I feel like I have no individuality, no defining characteristics. I can't even recognize myself because I have nothing that is mine, nothing I have created, nothing that distinguishes me from the mass of everyone else. I don't know what is my imagination and what has been taken from somewhere else. I feel like my imagination used to be strong, completely limitless when I was younger. I spent large amounts of time existing almost completely in a world that I had created, an ongoing story that surrounded me always. I still do this sometimes, in the deep of summer when I spend all of my time alone, outside. normally I feel like I can't tear myself away from ~~~inspiration~~- the internet, photos, film, music. but sometimes all of that feels lackluster and uninteresting compared to my own imagination, I have to jump up and move and slip back into my own world. I can't do that while I'm at school and I miss it. I feel like I need to create something but what? I have "achieved" a lot but I have nothing to show for it... (I really feel like the internet is killing my brain. it makes me less imaginative, feel slower, dumber, I can't concentrate/ pay attention to anything? I always say I need to spend less time on the computer, but that's all anyone else does for the most part. everyone! it almost scares me a little. I really feel like I'm wasting my life away but then it sucks me back in I don't know what to do. make a resolution, I guess.)
2 hours a day, max (unless I'm writing an essay)
if I am really tired: take a nap
buy more books (I really miss buying books. I feel like when I buy e-books they just all run together and slip through my mind)
1Q84, in the valley of the wolves (read it as a child, I feel like there were a lot of really great books I read as a kid that I have forgotten now... why did I get rid of all of them?)

I am so desperate to succeed and I am so willing to fight for it but the problem is I don't even know what success is for me. I don't know what I want.

school is ok. it's a little boring. I can't be bored I may as well kill myself if this is the "best time of my life"

I'm not good at anything. I have no talents or skills or even any particular interests. there isn't even anything that I'm really bad at. no distinguishing features, I don't even know what I like. I'm studying what I am because it's interesting sometimes? I don't hate it?

I have never created anything on my own, I don't know how to do anything, I'm not really learning anything here. college ~~experience~~~??? gaining ~~maturity~~? I am far more mature and responsible at home  than I ever have been at school. college basically enables you to do absolutely nothing, have no responsibility and to put off acting like an adult for another 4 yrs. I don't think I am getting much from this ~experience~ except an all-consuming sense of guilt about the amount of money my parents are spending on me.

no one has ever taken me seriously. I get no respect from anyone. and I never will unless I am "successful". I want to be in control. I want to tell people what to do. partially why I considered joining the military: for some reason any thought you have is given 10x more weight if you're like "well hey, I survived a warzone"
also, I feel like the being in a warzone would make me a more "~~~well rounded person~~~~" than college. I am already not-a-complete-idiot who is aware of what's going on in other parts of the world, so I don't think that taking ~~~multiculturalism~~~ credits are really adding anything.

once I made some comment about being irritated about school ( I was taking a full schedule of "gen ed" courses which are the most fucking useless and pointless courses designed to suck as much money out of you as possible) and my mother said  "you're just like your father, you can't stand doing anything that you don't think is useful" well no fucking shit. why is this strange???? I refuse to do something just bc it's ~ what you're supposed to do~ (note:  I still had a 3.6 gpa for that term. I'm angry, not stupid)

"why are you so angry?? you shouldn't be so angry." well, I don't really know what to say to this. I have about a thousand valid reasons to be very very angry. I keep it to myself. If you are not angry about how the world is then you are either a) completely unaware of anything b) incredibly stupid. if no one ever got angry, then nothing would ever change.

I have always said I would never be a teacher. it's such a stereotypical "woman job". it is also an incredibly important job that you get a) no money and b) no respect for so, no. But I really enjoy working at the elementary school. I would be an excellent elementary school teacher. yes, right now. no, I don't think anyone can do it. I think there are a lot of people who are "super nice and love kids!!" and whom kids also like but they fucking suck at working with them/ teaching them anything. everyone always assumes I'm a substitute/student teacher/ studying to be a teacher- all the other teachers tell me "you know, you really need to go into education." Yes but... the idea of doing 5 years of college to learn about this, and then get no money and no respect? fuck no, actually. so I don't know what to do about this

I still want to fly helicopters why does this cost so much

I am fucking terrified of getting old and losing what little looks I have. I have absolutely nothing else.

I cannot really comprehend myself in a relationship where I wasn't forced to behave like someone else. like the whole idea of a "significant other" is just strange to me. it seems like a waste of time and energy. part of me is afraid of " being alone forever" but I'll be fine. I want someone, but I don't actually care that much? I don't even know. at some point last year I went "I give up. no one has shown any interest so far, and I'm only going to get uglier. not to mention thinking about boys seems completely pointless and not productive" so I went back to not thinking about relationships at all, which was what I was doing in the first place for the most part. I feel like I don't care/ think about this at all and then occasionally I'll look around and be like "wait a second... how come I don't get one? that'd be nice." but then I forget about it again and carry on.

I still haven't had a job. this concerns me a lot more than the never had a boyfriend bit.  never having had a job is NOT OK. but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time doing pointless menial tasks for what? money? it doesn't seem worth it somehow? I need a career where there is some larger objective.

I really like making things, and building things with my hands. figuring out how to make pearl hair pins (bc I wanted some) or putting together model airplanes= really fun to me. I am really good at working with my hands and picturing things in three dimensions. people are always like ~omg you should do engineering or architecture!!1 and I'm like, I fucking hate math. also, I do not want to be in school any longer than I have to.

I like doing artistic/creative things but I am fully aware that I am not nearly artistic/creative enough to make a career out of it. I am not stupid.

I am such a boring person. I don't know what makes a person interesting, but I don't have it.

I want to get in shape, but I don't want it to be pointless. some kind of martial arts? I don't know. I miss horseback riding. I always have to live some where I can go hiking and running without seeing bunches of people.

does no one else dream like I do? this is an honest question. my dreams are never set in reality. everything is always warped and twisted, colors, physical rules don't apply. impossible landscapes, creatures of every kind, blood, bones, death and destruction, long convoluted story lines (usually involving me trying to save someone/ kill something/ escape/ make people listen to me but they never do). I never dream about the real world. giant purple flowers with eyes? mountains too tall to exist? a disease that makes people melt into piles of blood and bone? being eaten alive by maggots? trapped in a giant pink bubble? repeatedly stabbing something but it keeps coming back? all the norm for me. I almost always know I'm dreaming. I can usually control some of whats going on, but this doesn't make it any less real or terrifying in the moment (although sometimes I am completely unafraid for this reason) I thought dreaming was like this for everyone, but apparently not.

there are so many things I want to do but I'm not sure how to make them happen. (I want to fight and hack and slash, can't there be an apocalypse of some kind so I can shoot things?) I feel like my time is running out very, very quickly and I am just sitting around doing nothing

what does being "depressed" even mean
"unhappy for long periods of time" yes, punctuated by bouts of utter misery and the occasional uplifting emotion that lasts for a few moments at most. I don't get it. "sad" is the norm for me (although I do have a neutral of sorts) it has been for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone was like that. actually, I still do. I can't imagine not being unhappy all the time. I cannot comprehend what it would be like to feel relatively " happy" for long periods of time. (this summer was different. it was more like not-having-emotions-and-not-caring contentedness, albeit with more happiness than I've had in a long while) I mean, I hate myself and I'm miserable all the time, but isn't everyone? I'm not going to kill myself, so no problem, right?

as a kid I remember asking my mom "is there something else for me to look forward to?" (these were the times that I crossed off the days until I went to a friends house, or until christmas morning) I tried to explain that I felt that there needed to be something else- she scolded me for being selfish and greedy. I was just looking for something to think about, to look forward to, because otherwise things  seemed so blank and empty and pointless.

maybe its a cultural difference
mb I should go live in russia - don't try to be happy, go live with people who like (?) misery instead!

I'm awful today. yesterday I felt like the worst person, today I'm pretty sure everyone hates me because they KNOW how horrid I am. I cannot understand how anyone could like me at all, I will never make any of this work, I am a complete fucking failure.

I have no one to tell how miserable I am. not that I would want anyone to know. I am so so tired already. I don't know how this is going to work occasionally I feel pretty good but for the most part I am just sad, sad, sad 24/7. why am I so fucking ugly. why do I care so much about what I look like. I'm so weirdly lonely but its a little hard to connect with people here because I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I'm just totally incapable of ~~~being myself~~` (whatever that is) bc I turn into slightly different people based on location/season/the people around me etc. that's why I liked when I was in sweden this summer so much? because I actually felt like myself the whole time? I never really thought about myself  (how much I hate myself, how I'm acting,  what I'm eating...) I never once that entire month lay in bed and think "you stupid worthless fuck you are so fucking disgusting of course you humiliated yourself everyone hates you, you're so fucking annoying and always in the way, such a burden, why can't you just get over it and fucking kill yourself ......" and on and on I can't stop I always do that here but not then for some reason. I was really truly living in the moment and not analyzing things or over thinking I was living in my life instead of trying to control it looking in like a video game, I wasn't thinking about myself at all really, or punishing myself for the past, or worrying about the future. I wasn't necessarily happy, but I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't trapped in a paralyzing circle of anxiety and self hatred. I was comfortable. unemotional, but not that terrible blankness from the winter darkness (that makes me feel like a zombie or a robot. I can't even bring up enough emotion to hate myself) but more like... a clear blue sky. with some puffy clouds. so calm. and I was myself, the person I feel like I actually am, without having to think about it at all.
I'm sure it will all be different when I go back, as it will be winter which inevitably will lead to self hatred and then blankness but! maybe?

this year has been weird up and down I don't even know

why have I not finished the application what is wrong with me
I'm worried that this won't work but I really have no other options, I'm strangely ok with that currently but I'm sure to want 2 kill myself later~~~ ^-^ ~~
I want a boyfriend so so so badly sometimes
like, a cute boy who wears sweaters or glasses or has long hair (!!!!!!) please please who is sweet and kind and likes to talk to me etc etc at this point I would just settle w/ a guy who I am comfortable being around he doesn't even have to be taller than me PLEASE I WANT A BOYFRIEND

I tried so hard to be part of that, but it didn't work. all those people do is remind me of what a fucking failure I am. I have to go away so I can try and act more like me? and do something?

I ate so much today I hate it
I have to lose weight

sad again of course
lonely because everyone else has gone back already- also I'm realizing that I'll never have a real summer again... I really want to go "skinny dipping" at some point. not in a pool (gross) but in a lake or the ocean- i probably couldn't go alone though because dark water gives me the creeps. please can't this happen while I am still pretty?

I'm trying to work on my swedish again. I gave up for a little while, to be honest. it seems hopeless, and then I start going "what's the point again...?" but I cannot lose focus I have to do this.

never did get those pictures organized
I won't get anything done tomorrow with my parents around all day.  I love them, but goddamn I cannot wait to leave again

nope still can't get past the fact that I hate myself so fucking much
everything, repulsive, revolting

another list of things I want to do/be that I wrote forever ago- I wish this blog would post the drafts in the order I started them.
being respected, powerful, rich, traveling, living abroad, being gorgeous in the snow, having sex with/breaking the hearts of several gorgeous young men, having a husband whom I love but am also in a very practical, mutually beneficial relationship with, having several beautiful children (sons and daughters) who will love me and also be fantastically well educated, well adjusted, stylish people even at a young age (and give me grandchildren that will also love me-I have to spread my awesomeness), have my children in sweden to avoid the humiliation that is motherhood in the US, leave some sort of legacy behind, flying machines, having an expensive wardrobe, having a fantastic home/apartment as well as a summer home, spending lots of time in the places I love with interesting people and fantastic food, being active and healthy, having long hair, creating something (cute)

I want to be someone like Yulia Tymoshenko plus a husband and children and minus the jail sentences

ok tomorrow I'm going to organize photos & listen to music & plan
hopefully I will get some more stuff done

well, I got a few things done today and I was planning on going to bed early but I'm sinking back into the whole "I'm miserable" thing again (I don't know what set it off) so I better go to bed before this turns into another 3 in the morning thing again

I am so so tired but I can't sleep I am so so anxious for so many reasons I feel like I'm forgetting everything I dread coming home in the evening I dread being alone and going to bed at night I am bored out of my fucking mind, I feel like I'm going brain dead, I'm completely numb, yet even though I have nothing else to do it seems like I can get nothing done I have no idea how much time is passing I am so crushingly depressed to the point that I no longer care about anything not only do I have no motivation to do anything I have no idea what I want and cannot remember or inhabit previous versions of myself that wanted things and had goals and actually felt and thought instead of just existing.

it would help, maybe, if I could just ditch the computer completely. but half the things I need to do involve the computer in some way, but I don't want to do them, so I end up aimlessly surfing the internet and feeling like I can't do anything else because there are things that I have to do on the computer first...

I try to go to bed earlier but I just cannot fall asleep my mind will not stop I don't know why it is so FUCKING MISERABLE I HATE HATE HATE THIS SO MUCH I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY AND CONTENT AT HOME SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED BUT I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MISERABLE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
I am so so so so so lonely where is my ring if I've lost it... none of this will ever happen, it'll never work, the future is just one big boring blank and I should just kill myself now before I am bored to death I'm so worried about so many things, where I'm living next year, how does one have friends as an adult because it seems impossible. maybe this would be easier if I wasn't tiptoeing around my mother all of the time, I'm always trying not to annoy her (an impossible task, I assure you) and then I just end up hiding in my room I don't know what else to do with myself. what did I do that month in sweden? I didn't go on the computer ever, I was never alone, I was so happy (not exactly, but I was so comfortable and I was never thinking about how I was feeling) , but I can't figure out what exactly I was doing that whole time... just living, I guess. with people who liked me? it was amazing I have never really lived like that not thinking about the past or the future, no anxiety, just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it was and not even thinking about anything bigger or myself at all what did I think about? what were my daydreams? (I was living in one, I suppose) I can't remember them really, and I didn't dream much at all that I can remember, I guess I just fit where I was-
I know that it won't be like that when I go there to study. things will never be like they were this summer,  but I'm desperate to get back to that place sometime somewhere in my life

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't want anything, I don't care

I am just, so unhappy

I'm so miserable it's crushing me wtf is wrong with me

I'm so miserable and fucking gross that I'll never make any friends there even if I wasn't going in the middle of the year. I'll never learn this fucking language because I'm too lazy and stupid. I don't know what to do about the whole internship thing, I don't have a clue what my chances are but I don't want to miss out on an opportunity just because of my desperation to get out of here.

1. ooohh how facebook makes me hate everyone and myself
2. couldn't things just work out for once?
3. I am so alone, really I hate this
4. I am at home with nothing to do for the next 2 months= severe depression yay
5. some things are just not fucking fair

Now I feel like I will never learn the language, and at the same time I am desperate to succeed at it. I want to stay there and not have to come back.

I've only been home for a day and already I've fallen into the dreaded internet-black-hole. I went an entire month without it, happily, and all of a sudden I'm sucked in again. I am so, so, so fucking miserable here. It's like all the times I've been depressed have added up and I can't be here without it sucking me under again. I'm already tired, I've run out of things to do, so I end up staring at the computer- it's horrible. none of the music is any good there's never anything interesting my eyes hurt but I'm dreading trying to go to sleep; I'll lie there for hours hating myself while my imagination does the worst possible things. no matter how far I think I've come, it's like I revert to a former version of myself and I can't stop it. I'm so so so lonely and bored and absolutely listless I can't do anything except feel fatter and fatter and somehow remember all of the times in my life when I was feeling the worst. I can't get away from this pattern I feel like I can't change it it's just the same every time and it's fucking killing me. When I was away, I felt like myself, comfortable where I was... I know it won't be the same when I go back in winter. maybe it was just some weird trick, I was like a different version of myself (a natural progression, I thought- maturation+happiness= a better me) and didn't even notice until I got back here and was rudely awakened... I thought I would be "starting a new chapter" but I'm not. here I am, my room's a mess because I had some plan to get rid of everything again and got overwhelmed halfway through, spent forever looking for decent music and found none, only to have it disintegrate into me aimlessly surfing the internet because I'm too tired to think properly but not nearly tired enough to sleep and I'm dreading it.

ok I feel like I need to lose weight again. I have about 5 months to eat as little as possible before I go abroad. it's easier to eat healthier there, their food is better and more filling. I was so comfortable and content there... 5 months seems like a long time until I go back. (at least it shouldn't be too hard not to eat much as sometimes I feel like there's no food I like here!) I just feel gross. gross gross gross I want to go back to where I was actually ok with myself. it was weird, I went from the worst 3 months for a long time to one of the best months since I was  a child.

I miss these people already. I miss that boy, especially... so sweet and honest he always made me smile. I also miss the people I won't see again, I wish...

to do:
1. sit down and finally finish the study abroad application
2. buy a train ticket to stockholm

this place and these people have been amazing 

and then: I thought I was done making these kind of decisions 

I feel sick and I can't talk to anyone about it 

quiet afternoon- everyone else is napping. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm already dreading having to leave and I've only been here a few days. I'm wavering between "I'll never be able to learn the language" and "I WILL learn this language" idk idk

I am failing at everything. I have no friends, no life, no direction, I'm just stuck here fat and useless and stupid. why can't I just be better.

I feel completely different again, and not in a good way.

aaannnnddd I am miserable once again, in a new and different grosser way I am disgusting

I feel
like
I've ruined fucking everything again
I
had
the
chance
and I did not take it what the fuck is wrong with me

I feel like I am always looking for the next thing. I'm always so miserable, planning what I'm going to do next is my only escape. the weird thing is, I'm fully aware that I'll be miserable wherever I end up, too. I don't really imagine it being any different. what happens when I don't have anything to look forward to?

I just want to cry I can't
I've had so many opportunities to change drastically, to actually do something make something of myself
instead here I am; fat, ugly, stupid, and going nowhere fast, just sitting around wasting resources and my parents' money for a pointless education that will never get me anything in a boring little place where all anyone ever does is drink, like there's nothing more to life and I just want to be done with all of this because I am so fucking sick of it but I know I know that there is nothing better waiting for me on the other side

I want out I want out I want out why do I always fucking ruin everything for myself

I just want out
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in small boring towns with no purpose, drive, goal... I still feel like I'm giving up but it is too late now.

ok so all my emotions have died again.  I am making decisions about the rest of my life and all of a sudden I just don't care. the only thing I can definitively say about this year is that I gained weight.

oh god I feel sick
what if I made the wrong decsion? does this mean I've made the wrong decision?
I feel almost like I'm giving up, taking the easy route... I need to go away and do something big and challenging and independent and I keep choosing what I think other people want me to do. besides, my dreams just seem like dreams. like they're too improbable, it's almost impossible, I knew it was never actually going to happen even though I thought for a time that I could pick that I just didn't fully see it... what if I just always want what I can't have? why does my outlook change so quickly and drastically?  I'm so attached to these previous versions of myself... and now my plans have come completely full circle, I can't even remember how this whole mess started, and I feel like I'm just settling. for the mundane, the minimally achievable because it's all I'm capable of.

ugh this is nEVER going to work help

I feel... tentative. if I start planning and hoping will I just fall off again?

hummm, I was rather attached to the Iceland idea. I'm maybe a bit disappointed that I don't have an excuse to throw this all away... not that I ever did? what is wrong with me, I cannot see things the same way I did a day and a half ago, like a complete half switch.... it seems impossible now but why? what changed? can I still...?
another option might be possible, not sure how much yet. it could all fall apart quite easily. I'm beginning to integrate these new ideas into my imagination, but now I'm so attached to the sad and desperate last ditch plans I had and the imaginary world I created from them... it seems quite romantic now.

ok so some new options have opened up but this could all fall apart very quickly at a time when I can't change my mind and I have about 2 days to make a decision aaahhh
to do:
-figure out budgets for both places
-figure out transfer credits
-talk to parents
(on top of the 14739287349827349 other things I have to get done in the next couple of days fuck I have 5 finals and I have to move out and then travel to another country all at the same time help)

so yesterday was ok for some reason, and I feel alright again today. I can't think about any of my plans I don't want to go back to being miserable. (I hope I hope I hope this lasts)

ugh I wish swedish universities were still free. I don't really want to start learning a whole new language. besides, I've realized that I actually really like swedish...

so
there was this music I was waiting to buy/listen to more 'till the end of the year (it was going to be my summer playlist- the soundtrack to traveling, sweden) - I just loved it, identified w/ it etc. (all the stupid stuff I've never thought about music before)- it seems silly and superficial now, but I'm going to listen to it to see if I can remember how I thought/felt then. it was not that long ago how come I can't imagine that I ever have or ever will feel any different than I do now, what is wrong with me
I've lost all my self confidence and stopped caring entirely.

I cannot shake this off. I can't think straight

annnnndd yet another day spent in a brainless miserable stupor 
fuck I feel so guilty 
my head hurts 

"well, you think college is boring and you're tired of school, but working is even worse and more boring!"
so, you're saying I should just kill myself now and save myself the trouble later, ok thx

I'm so stressed out
I don't know how (if I decide to leave) tell them I won't be living with them next year. it's such a terrible thing for me to do, and I certainly don't blame them if they aren't my friends anymore. I know they won't be, we aren't close enough now, we'll never stay in contact over this much distance and time.
I feel like there is some sort of divide between me and other people.I can never really connect with anyone, and  I don't have a genius level intellect as an excuse...
even though I care about these people a lot, not hurting someone's feelings is no reason for me to abandon all of the other possibilities and continuing to pay tons of money to go here. now is not the time to play it safe?
but maybe if I stayed and was taking classes I liked it would get better
maybe if I wasn't so depressed I wouldn't be trying to get away all the time- maybe I would actually be happier here
I feel like I can't remember, I don't know how I feel my judgement is clouded... once I spend the summer alone without these people I will probably forget about them and not care about having friends. or maybe I will miss being around people so much that I'll come running back here. I don't know
everything looks different when I'm not depressed
could I actually do it?

I will always be alone. there is no reason for me to sacrifice the possibility of fulfillment in other pursuits for possible personal relationships.

I feel like I'm following a script for someone else's life. the problem is, I don't know what my script should look like. I don't really know what sort of thing would suit me better, don't really know who I am.
I think "finding yourself" is complete and utter bullshit. same with "this experience etc. will change you". you can't "find" or "change" yourself. I am what I am, I just can't define it completely, which makes it difficult for me to describe myself or know what I want to do.

It's my birthday tomorrow, I forgot. I only remembered because my roommate asked me.
I feel like all of the color and excitement has leeched out of my life like I'm going brain dead or something. what is wrong with me, I am so sad
I need a challenge, something to work towards

I just want to cry and cry and cry
I hate going on facebook it just reminds me that I have no friends. everyone is talking about being done, they can't wait to see each other, going hiking, etc etc.
I want to go home I want to see my beautiful home in the summer

 I can't tell what is sweat and what is water from my (cold) shower. my hair is ruined, it's so fucking hot I can't even think straight I fucking hate this

I cannot wait for this school year to be over
I can't wait to see my family again
I just have to get through finals week first (crying)

I just need to get over myself I am pathetic

I am so unhappy and I just can't seem to shake it.
I have so much to do I want to cry, or puke, or both ugh

the fact that I'm not automatically romanticizing the possibilities, yet I still think I want to follow this idea is encouraging at least

I'm not telling anyone this time.
does the fact that my plans have changed this much show that I will never be content and that I will discard my current ideas as well, or does it mean that I've finally figured out a way to do what I really want with the situation I'm in?
I really hope it's the latter.

I'm not any good at anything I have accomplished nothing but no one believes me and that makes me incredibly angry. I'm pretty sure that all of my plans and ideas are completely stupid, I'm just waiting for somebody to call me out or for the day when I remember what I thought now and want to go back in time and punch myself in the face again. It seems impossible, I never do anything it's not even real I've wasted all of the sunlight again why can't I fucking DO SOMETHING

god, even looking at my own handwriting makes me want to punch myself in the face
I was trying to hit myself the other day, I haven't done that for a long time. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, it's only recently that I've realized that the intense urge to harm oneself is not completely ordinary. I am admitting to myself that I may have been dealing with depression in some form for most of my life, but I'm not a doctor so it's stupid for me to even say that. I absolutely hate it when people self-diagnose. I feel like I need to do something different, and now is my opportunity. I am not a "let the pieces fall where they may" sort of person; I am more of a "rip the pieces up and smash them into where I think they ought to be" sort of person. I have been doing far too much "going with the flow" lately and I think it needs to stop. I will force myself to go out, get things done, and make things happen in my life through sheer willpower. The stakes are higher this time but I've done it before, I will do it again.

if I leave now I will be at least one, probably two, maybe even three years behind everyone else. will that be as awful as I think? on the plus side, I would be getting my pilot's license at the same time, school would be free, my parents could retire...
maybe I should just stay here, get through it, I only have two more years, but the Seattle thing is becoming more and more uncertain (though it's really my dream...) and I don't want to prevent my parents from moving on...

when I imagine myself doing something different/leaving, I always see myself as being miserable. what happened to my eternal optimism that each place I go will be so much better than the place I left? I can't even look forward to the end of the year, it seems so far away and I don't know how I'll feel then. there is honestly only one place that I can see myself being happy and I will have to wait at least two years before I get there.

I haven't talked to any of my other friends  in a really long time, I'm so worried about hurting their feelings if I leave. I don't even want to look at them.

why am I so sad what is wrong with me
I want to live in seattle I almost cried when I left
my parents are getting older I miss them I want them to be happy, even though they don't want me to consider them in my decisions I will

I hate that I'm afraid to do something different
I have reasons to stay here but they are really fucking stupid reasons

the idea of going here next year makes me want to throw myself off a cliff
why the fuck am I still gaining weight
I fucking hate these people
my roommate isn't even here and she's pissing me off
why won't my skin get better,  I can't fucking wait to get out of here

I need to do something

oh
my god
I hate these people so much
also I'm really worried that buying this laptop was a bad decision

I am stressed out to the point of not eating
some people eat emotionally, I know I'm fucked when I'm not hungry

I feel like I've failed
I'm out of highschool, I should be somewhere interesting
instead I'm trapped in this small town where nothing happens, and I feel it far more than I ever did at home
wasn't I supposed to escape this?
what was I thinking?

I need to go somewhere beautiful again. somewhere I can look out and be stunned, reminded how utterly shocking and wonderful the world is and how small and insignificant I am. I miss that from home

nope, still want it. I have come so close to being talked out of it so many times, but I think that I'm almost more sure that's what I want.

I don't know what to do
I have so much to do
I just know I'll make the wrong decision

I don’t think that has anything to do with U of O, I think it’s just bc I like going to college and being on my own and not being in a place that’s dark all the time for like 2/3 of the year— I’m not depressed doesn’t mean I’m happy (although I am- but it’s because I’m at college not bc the college I’m at is all that great) U of O, well, the quality of education is OK and my fellow students fucking suck. not all of them of course, but california people! what the fuck! they are all the same, they are all annoying in various ways, I never knew a stereotype could be so true- so so stupid?? (class today- wow I didn’t know people were that stupid??? how are they in college????) I am not intelligent by any means but it’s like these people don’t even try. how did they even make it here? and worse, it doesn’t make the school look very good when it’s full of these dumb fuck california clones who only care about when the football game is and where their next drink is coming from. but hey, football is the only thing that this school cares about anyways. going to school here, it’s like highschool 2.0- same thing but w more booze. socially, it feels more clique-y and stupid than my highschool ever did.
I wish I could start over. I almost wish that I hadn’t made so many good friends, so I could ditch this place actually. it is not that great, but I absolutely cannot tell my parents that and if I try to explain it, well… if only if only I had not been so fucking stupid and had gotten the scholarship, this is NOT worth what my parents are paying for me and I cannot stand the thought of their money (which they think is getting me a decent education) funding football and other useless unrelated shit.
I don’t know how to fix this, I’m finally figuring out what I want but I don’t know how to make it happen.
(I wish I could talk to my dad but I can never tell him that I don’t love it here he would be so hurt)
help???

wrote this forever ago, still applies (except for the fact that I have spent most of the last term being completely fucking miserable) 

if there's a car here, I could maybe have an internship during the year (I would never get one, and how would I have time)
maybe I can graduate early. I know I can do it in three years, but maybe even less?

UAA is in a city, by the ocean, by the mountains, it's cheap, it has the program I want, and I could learn to fly right by it, it meets basically all of my requirements and I never thought of it that way before
I should have just gone there in the first place
why are 16 year olds allowed to make hundred thousand dollar decisions

I bought a bikini, I think I actually look ok in it, even though I'm a lot fatter than I'd like
I'm excited-- I hope have a chance to wear it
I went shopping and it didn't make me feel like crying

UO: swedish classes, specified major, scandinavian minor, study abroad at uppsala, weather, friends
UAA: cheaper, internship opportunities, possible pilot's license, possibly travel more, more happening in the city, being close to family to help

what do I do
it's probably too late anyways
I can't imagine myself doing it but I think I should

please stop eating so much
go to the gym more (more and more I know it's horrible but just suck it up and go you idiot)
you WILL get it together before you leave, if you can't have anything else at least you'll be in good shape

I am so bored/exhausted
all I want to do is sleep but I have skipped 4 classes now
why am I doing this

sometimes I feel this sudden burst of hope or determination, "how can I make this happen? I can do it, I WILL" and then it disappears and I can't even remember what it felt like

it's rlly awesome to get to the end of the year and you realize that you still don't have any friends

well that didn't last long

I realized today that I'm actually really excited about my major and the other stuff I'm going to study. I probably won't get to study abroad next year, and I'm not sure whether I'll stay abroad or not when I do, but I think I'm looking forward to it either way really. I got the application for my major today, I'm almost finished with my study abroad app, and I've got some new ideas floating around. I don't know how flight school fits into all of this, and I know that my degree probably won't get me a job, but I'm ok with that at the moment.
Shockingly enough, my parents have actually been really supportive through all of this; my mom has never really taken me seriously before but when I have talked to her recently she has actually listened to me. Today, it's like something changed majorly, I feel ok now? (I had a really weird-happy dream this morning that has left me in this weirdly-very-contented/driven mood all day, I just hope this mood lasts?? I have really been awful for most of the year now that I think about it but I really feel like maybe it's finally starting to turn around a bit)

I'll never get a job I won't get good grades and my GPA will drop I suck so much at dance that I will never be able to move up I spend too much time on the computer/I'm bored all of the time/I have no life/no motivation to do anything the heat makes me slow and stupid and really sleepy all the time and I'll never be able to concentrate I won't be able to figure out what to do with all of my stuff and I'll fail all of my finals I will somehow miss the deadlines for everything and not get to study abroad next year I will regret studying abroad next year and not junior year studying abroad will be terrible/depressing and I'll have to come back here the school won't accept me I will never find something to get involved with on campus/find an internship I won't get into a decent grad school I'll never live anywhere I want to I eat too much I'll never lose weight I'll be a really old virgin (I don't like any of these people) I'll never have a boyfriend I won't have a fulfilling career I'll end up trapped somewhere I'll end up working a terrible job I will never fulfill any of my dreams or meet any of my goals my life will be completely and utterly mundane I forget everything there is always something wrong with me I will never amount to anything my parents will have paid for this pointless degree for nothing I will spend another four (horribly expensive) boring years here with nothing to show for it I will never fly I will always be poor and miserable I will gain weight I will never find true friends I will always be lonely I will never stop feeling anxious other people will never take me seriously or respect me at all I will never be content I will never be happy I don't like this place or this school and I can't tell anyone I can never manage to explain myself I hate going to that class it's really hard but it's my own fault I could be spending so much more time studying but I can't make myself do it even if I could get a good job with my degree I don't know what it would be I'll never do anything fun I'll always be stuck inside am I in debt how are my parents paying for this I have to do something different I'm falling apart I don't want to do school anymore I have no motivation and I fucking hate it my classes suck I will never get any of the things I apply for and I will never do anything fun or interesting or worthwhile because I  haven't done anything fun or interesting or worthwhile

doing something just because you can't come up with anything else to do is not a good enough reason to do anything

I want to talk to someone but my friends don't want to hear it and I can't talk to my parents because they can't know how unhappy I am I really want to cry but there is no where I can go

why am I still so fucking ugly and awkward

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is no way I am getting that spot. no matter how hard I try, I won't get any of the things I apply for. I'm stupid and boring, so I will only ever get to do stupid and boring things, so shoot me now.

I am so fucking disgusting I need to lose some fucking weight. I do so well for such a long time and then mess it up (not like it makes any difference anyways wtf) when did I suddenly become such a freak?

I'm so miserable and I just can't shake it

the application is due on the 20th and I don't have my letters of recommendation yet fuck how did this happen why do I even want this so badly?

college is the most pointless thing... if (when) I end up living at home working some shitty job I'm going to kill myself. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am not going home and there is no fucking way I am staying here.

ok so I'm going to get there and they'll be like "wtf were you doing?" and they'll never take me because I've wasted all my time getting these stupid fucking gen eds out of the way.

I am so MISERABLE but it's so pretty outside it's weird. I can't concentrate when it is so nice outside, and I will be in classes back to back until 4 FUCK I HATE THIS

everyone's forgetting and I think it would be easier to just let it all pass by too but I can't there is too much to do and the sun is making me slow I have to be quick and plan and do but my mind is so hazy and sluggish I can't think

I don't want to go here anymore. I don't want to go here next year. I don't know how to make it happen.

I don't want to be a virgin anymore by the time I go abroad next year. and I really don't want to be a virgin anymore when I turn 20.

I will be in sweden for about a month this summer. I don't feel excited at all... what happened? why am I already looking to the end of things before they even start? I wanted to stay in sweden while they traveled to make it cheaper and easier for everyone but I know my mother will somehow turn it around so I am the greedy selfish one. I should be so happy but I'm not. I was so unhappy the beginning of this term and now I've just stopped caring. I don't know what to do I hate my classes I want to get out of here now

omf every time roomie talks abt how she can't believe she has a job I want to kms. I can't complain bc everyone is like "apply for a work study!!" but I would never get it fffuuuck I need a job but I have no time?? who wants to hire me to work for two hours a day??? and no one will hire you for a month and a half over the summer.

why I want $200,000:
1. pay for school
2. get my pilot's license
3. start my own business

ok I have to get out of here
help I don't know how

ok I have to I can not can not give up

my skin is being so awful :C

I feel physically sick?? I don't quite understand what happened either

oatmeal/cereal for breakfast
soup/salad/hummus and crackers for lunch
soup/salad/veggies and rice for dinner
tea/veggies/fruit/almonds for snacks

no candy. no dessert. no cheese. no bread.

work out EVERY DAY (make sure to go to gym classes, turn in dance audit)

2 months, 3 weeks. I will do it.

I am miserable. again-why?

ok so new plan
go back home, get a pilot's license and somehow learn to speak fluent icelandic, then go to school in iceland

so I am taking 21 credits. I haven't even gotten my schedule figured out yet and it already sucks.
so I guess I am going next year, I think. I kind of already knew...? I don't want to give up yet. dad told me to keep scheming, but I seem to have lost all my energy for it...

we might actually be going?
so I have three months to get in shape (fuck like that's going to happen)--try and audit the kickboxing course and bike all of the time bc it will be rainy less, hopefully eating less/better bc of the smaller meal plan.
I haven't worked anything out, I haven't really talked to my parents at all I am still so so tired all the time I can't figure out why I thought I would have recovered by now. I had so much motivation, so much hope and the drive to make it happen, where did it all go? I'm pathetic but I don't even care right now it all seems so far away

I'm stuck. too far south,and I hate myself and everyone around me because I cannot tolerate temperatures over 65 degrees, too far north and I stop caring about anything because the dark makes me horribly depressed.

I feel trapped here, kind of like I did at home. my life is too easy, it's comfortable and enjoyable but utterly mundane. I feel like I need to get out of here and do something or I never will. I'm only staying here for what seems like superficial reasons, and I will have nothing to show for it at the end. so completely, horribly boring, and I will just graduate and go on to live a poor, lonely, and pointless life in a string of dead end jobs that are always temporary because I am always looking for something else.

I need a university that has good academics, a decent reputation, majors i'm interested in, is close to a flight school, has the option to study abroad in iceland and/or sweden and teaches one of those languages, and is CHEAP or they give out lots of scholarships to transfer students. I would prefer that it is not too far south, and that there are some mountains, and I would love it if it was by the sea. the university I am at fits all of these criteria, with the exception of cheap. which is completely and 100% my fault and I will never stop kicking myself for it.

I think that just maybe I'll be able to make this happen
don't quite know how it'll all work out, but I am tentatively hopeful?

as cheesy as it sounds I feel like I am not realizing my full potential here
like, at all in ANYTHING

I don't know how to make this work
I'm pretty sure I've already irrevocably screwed up everything

oh gosh I just don't like myself at all it's actually kind of funny
can I be someone better please

so, I'm going to take 21 credits next term
I can do it
I will do it!

ok, not one but TWO groups of people that I consider my friends went out and didn't invite me...?
I didn't think I was THAT repulsive

I know I will be so lonely and sad but I can't help hoping
but I am terrified
because once I leave, I cannot come back

what am I doing? I have to get out of here

I just need to get it together before I leave, if I manage to go at all

what the fuck why do I always have to ruin things for myself
I should be happy right now

I'm just feeling a bit sad, rainy- day sad, a little hopelessness, not sure how this will ever work because I'll always be sad

I never wrote down all of coco's nicknames
and we lost that video of him eating the blueberries
I don't think we have that many videos of him
I don't know if my parents kept his ashes or not

oh my god I am so uncomfortable
help why do people I know follow me on tumblr

I am getting even fatter I didn't think it was possible
so disgusting i want to cut my stomach off
I don't understand how I can still be gaining weight

I can't see myself going here for the next four years. I just can't. what do I do?

I have been so sad still
this term will be much more difficult academically (I still have to make an appointment for study abroad)
I just want to fly things
and live by the sea, the mountains

maybe it is because I want to damage myself in some way so I have a reason to feel bad
or to prove something to the world
not sure what
but I am just so curious, what would happen? an experiment conducted on me. I know how I think it would go, would that change the outcome? or do I have no control?

There was this enormous building in the middle of nowhere and somehow I ended up there all alone. I knew it belonged to a relative of mine, but I didn’t know anything else. It was like it was on a track or something, and there was another track running alongside it. The far side of it was all windows and there was a big rock pool on the side you entered. At the far end, there were these huge steel doors that were set ajar. I was afraid but I went through them, hoping to find out where I was or at least find some other people. I was in a rock cavern and at the end of it there was another huge door, closed, partially painted orange. I heard voices and I turned and ran back out. There was another room at the end of the building, and it had a bed and a bathroom and a kitchen just like a tiny house. When I came out a while later, there was a dark haired girl there. I asked her a lot of questions but she didn’t really answer me, she just brought me over to a bunch of kids my own age. They were all talking and laughing, and there was my uncle and another woman, trying to address them. The girl explained it was a debriefing of sorts, they were hunters of something. None of the thought very much of me at first, they knew I was related to my uncle, so I could operate the machines that were left there, and supposedly people who had a certain gene wouldn’t die when the creatures touched them. Someone told me that I would still die if they touched me. Later, they all gathered around the steel door. A woman came out of the door holding the hand of a child, about four. Everyone knew what it was and I could guess. They all pushed it calmly from person to person with their blades, not speaking and staying as still as they possibly could. I didn’t know what to do, all of a sudden I couldn’t remember what I’d been told and I ran, hoping to shut myself in the other room away from it. It chased me and I couldn’t run fast enough, and it spoke to me in this horrible ancient voice. I tried to wake myself up, but the others caught it. I didn’t see them kill it.
Later, we all gathered together for more training. It seemed like we were preparing for something. I wouldn’t make the same mistake next time they brought one into the building. I noticed that everyone was carrying flat gray blades that looked like they were made of some sort of stone. I demanded that they give me one as well, I would not be unarmed. My uncle and the other adults were going to lead an expedition into the cavern to kill more of the creatures, they only took volunteers. Many of the people there were very excited about it. I wondered how this could be possible; they killed you with a touch and they were extremely strong.
The time shifted to after they had already returned, the adults were gone and it was just us having a party. We went to sleep or something, and when we woke up, half of the building was blocked off, all of our supplies were gone, and the side of the building we were in was mostly destroyed. Some of the boys immediately tried to take the barrier down but I stopped them, because somehow I knew what had happened. The creatures had managed to escape the door; the other side of the building was probably filled with them. Some of the other kids said not to worry; we would just wait for the adults, our trainers, to come back. I was suspicious though. Another train came, on the track alongside ours. Many others ran to the window thinking it was the trainers come back to help us but I yelled at them to get down. I looked out the window and I saw that the train was full of little children, and somehow I could hear them talking. The sound of their old, grating voices was horrifying. There was one riding on the top of the train, it locked eyes with me and it grinned. I knew then that my uncle and the others had done this on purpose, as some sort of test or game. They were even sending more to us. We speculated, could it be to find the best fighters? But no, it was unlikely that any of us would survive, it was a trick, a sick sort of game. We ran through our options. We could run out the side door, try to escape into the wilderness, but it had snowed. It would make us too slow, and they would hunt us down and kill us before the elements did. There were no other trains, so our only option was to wait and fight. We made sure everyone was armed with the flat gray blades and then we sat down to wait. When they finally did break through, it was complete chaos. I didn’t want to see these people die, I tried desperately to wake myself up again, but to no avail. We fought very hard but they killed us one by one. Somehow, I managed to escape with one other boy. We ran to the front of the building and then had an idea. The building was full of explosives, so somehow we managed to set them off. We jumped into the giant train engine, sending it full speed ahead in an attempt to escape. In the distance, I saw a fireball rise into the air as we raced away. Hopefully, the explosion would collapse the entrance to the creatures’ home and kill any that were in the building. We continued down the track at breakneck speed, we were both still very afraid. We traveled for hours or days (I don’t know which) through miles and miles of beautiful countryside before coming to the shores of a lake (it was more like an inland sea) it was so beautiful it looked like something from a fairytale. There was a little cottage on the shore. When we entered it, we realized that it was much larger on the inside than on the outside. The boy was completely relaxed, but I was still worried about the possibility that the creatures could come after us. I remember thinking “we will live the rest of our lives looking over our shoulders” but then I began to forget my fear the longer I was there. It was lovely inside, made of warm wood paneling and sunlight coming through high windows. It was like being inside a tree. There was a train station and a little restaurant, and it was full of ordinary people talking and laughing, coming and going from different places. The lady at the desk said arrivals? And we talked to her a while. She pointed the boy and I to a smallish oval door carved into the wood next to her desk. It was very shiny and nicely ornamented with simple swirls carved into the wood, it had a gold doorknob. I remember standing there in the sunlight, smiling with relief as we stood together, chatting with other travelers. Soon enough, I reached for the knob and began to open the door
Then I woke up