I can't tell what is sweat and what is water from my (cold) shower. my hair is ruined, it's so fucking hot I can't even think straight I fucking hate this

I cannot wait for this school year to be over
I can't wait to see my family again
I just have to get through finals week first (crying)

I just need to get over myself I am pathetic

I am so unhappy and I just can't seem to shake it.
I have so much to do I want to cry, or puke, or both ugh

the fact that I'm not automatically romanticizing the possibilities, yet I still think I want to follow this idea is encouraging at least

I'm not telling anyone this time.
does the fact that my plans have changed this much show that I will never be content and that I will discard my current ideas as well, or does it mean that I've finally figured out a way to do what I really want with the situation I'm in?
I really hope it's the latter.

I'm not any good at anything I have accomplished nothing but no one believes me and that makes me incredibly angry. I'm pretty sure that all of my plans and ideas are completely stupid, I'm just waiting for somebody to call me out or for the day when I remember what I thought now and want to go back in time and punch myself in the face again. It seems impossible, I never do anything it's not even real I've wasted all of the sunlight again why can't I fucking DO SOMETHING

god, even looking at my own handwriting makes me want to punch myself in the face
I was trying to hit myself the other day, I haven't done that for a long time. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, it's only recently that I've realized that the intense urge to harm oneself is not completely ordinary. I am admitting to myself that I may have been dealing with depression in some form for most of my life, but I'm not a doctor so it's stupid for me to even say that. I absolutely hate it when people self-diagnose. I feel like I need to do something different, and now is my opportunity. I am not a "let the pieces fall where they may" sort of person; I am more of a "rip the pieces up and smash them into where I think they ought to be" sort of person. I have been doing far too much "going with the flow" lately and I think it needs to stop. I will force myself to go out, get things done, and make things happen in my life through sheer willpower. The stakes are higher this time but I've done it before, I will do it again.

if I leave now I will be at least one, probably two, maybe even three years behind everyone else. will that be as awful as I think? on the plus side, I would be getting my pilot's license at the same time, school would be free, my parents could retire...
maybe I should just stay here, get through it, I only have two more years, but the Seattle thing is becoming more and more uncertain (though it's really my dream...) and I don't want to prevent my parents from moving on...

when I imagine myself doing something different/leaving, I always see myself as being miserable. what happened to my eternal optimism that each place I go will be so much better than the place I left? I can't even look forward to the end of the year, it seems so far away and I don't know how I'll feel then. there is honestly only one place that I can see myself being happy and I will have to wait at least two years before I get there.

I haven't talked to any of my other friends  in a really long time, I'm so worried about hurting their feelings if I leave. I don't even want to look at them.

why am I so sad what is wrong with me
I want to live in seattle I almost cried when I left
my parents are getting older I miss them I want them to be happy, even though they don't want me to consider them in my decisions I will

I hate that I'm afraid to do something different
I have reasons to stay here but they are really fucking stupid reasons

the idea of going here next year makes me want to throw myself off a cliff
why the fuck am I still gaining weight
I fucking hate these people
my roommate isn't even here and she's pissing me off
why won't my skin get better,  I can't fucking wait to get out of here

I need to do something

oh
my god
I hate these people so much
also I'm really worried that buying this laptop was a bad decision

I am stressed out to the point of not eating
some people eat emotionally, I know I'm fucked when I'm not hungry

I feel like I've failed
I'm out of highschool, I should be somewhere interesting
instead I'm trapped in this small town where nothing happens, and I feel it far more than I ever did at home
wasn't I supposed to escape this?
what was I thinking?

I need to go somewhere beautiful again. somewhere I can look out and be stunned, reminded how utterly shocking and wonderful the world is and how small and insignificant I am. I miss that from home

nope, still want it. I have come so close to being talked out of it so many times, but I think that I'm almost more sure that's what I want.

I don't know what to do
I have so much to do
I just know I'll make the wrong decision

I don’t think that has anything to do with U of O, I think it’s just bc I like going to college and being on my own and not being in a place that’s dark all the time for like 2/3 of the year— I’m not depressed doesn’t mean I’m happy (although I am- but it’s because I’m at college not bc the college I’m at is all that great) U of O, well, the quality of education is OK and my fellow students fucking suck. not all of them of course, but california people! what the fuck! they are all the same, they are all annoying in various ways, I never knew a stereotype could be so true- so so stupid?? (class today- wow I didn’t know people were that stupid??? how are they in college????) I am not intelligent by any means but it’s like these people don’t even try. how did they even make it here? and worse, it doesn’t make the school look very good when it’s full of these dumb fuck california clones who only care about when the football game is and where their next drink is coming from. but hey, football is the only thing that this school cares about anyways. going to school here, it’s like highschool 2.0- same thing but w more booze. socially, it feels more clique-y and stupid than my highschool ever did.
I wish I could start over. I almost wish that I hadn’t made so many good friends, so I could ditch this place actually. it is not that great, but I absolutely cannot tell my parents that and if I try to explain it, well… if only if only I had not been so fucking stupid and had gotten the scholarship, this is NOT worth what my parents are paying for me and I cannot stand the thought of their money (which they think is getting me a decent education) funding football and other useless unrelated shit.
I don’t know how to fix this, I’m finally figuring out what I want but I don’t know how to make it happen.
(I wish I could talk to my dad but I can never tell him that I don’t love it here he would be so hurt)
help???

wrote this forever ago, still applies (except for the fact that I have spent most of the last term being completely fucking miserable) 

if there's a car here, I could maybe have an internship during the year (I would never get one, and how would I have time)
maybe I can graduate early. I know I can do it in three years, but maybe even less?

UAA is in a city, by the ocean, by the mountains, it's cheap, it has the program I want, and I could learn to fly right by it, it meets basically all of my requirements and I never thought of it that way before
I should have just gone there in the first place
why are 16 year olds allowed to make hundred thousand dollar decisions

I bought a bikini, I think I actually look ok in it, even though I'm a lot fatter than I'd like
I'm excited-- I hope have a chance to wear it
I went shopping and it didn't make me feel like crying

UO: swedish classes, specified major, scandinavian minor, study abroad at uppsala, weather, friends
UAA: cheaper, internship opportunities, possible pilot's license, possibly travel more, more happening in the city, being close to family to help

what do I do
it's probably too late anyways
I can't imagine myself doing it but I think I should

please stop eating so much
go to the gym more (more and more I know it's horrible but just suck it up and go you idiot)
you WILL get it together before you leave, if you can't have anything else at least you'll be in good shape

I am so bored/exhausted
all I want to do is sleep but I have skipped 4 classes now
why am I doing this

sometimes I feel this sudden burst of hope or determination, "how can I make this happen? I can do it, I WILL" and then it disappears and I can't even remember what it felt like

it's rlly awesome to get to the end of the year and you realize that you still don't have any friends

well that didn't last long

I realized today that I'm actually really excited about my major and the other stuff I'm going to study. I probably won't get to study abroad next year, and I'm not sure whether I'll stay abroad or not when I do, but I think I'm looking forward to it either way really. I got the application for my major today, I'm almost finished with my study abroad app, and I've got some new ideas floating around. I don't know how flight school fits into all of this, and I know that my degree probably won't get me a job, but I'm ok with that at the moment.
Shockingly enough, my parents have actually been really supportive through all of this; my mom has never really taken me seriously before but when I have talked to her recently she has actually listened to me. Today, it's like something changed majorly, I feel ok now? (I had a really weird-happy dream this morning that has left me in this weirdly-very-contented/driven mood all day, I just hope this mood lasts?? I have really been awful for most of the year now that I think about it but I really feel like maybe it's finally starting to turn around a bit)