the kind of person who:
has an interesting, well- paid job that she does well at
takes really good care of her skin/teeth/hair
has perfect makeup/doesn't wear any at all
has a small, well curated wardrobe (and makes enough money for high end pieces)
has a signature scent/collection of niche perfumes
uses whatever expensive beauty products she wants
gets a gel manicure
buys whatever frivolous collectibles she wants (mlp, lps, moomin/studio ghibli merchandise, legos )
has a nicely displayed collection of her favorite books and movies
in her free time plays video games, works on art projects, dances to K-pop, or studies (languages, history, politics, designing toys, anything interesting)
regularly visits/talks to friends
has a pet that she takes excellent care of
cooks healthy food on a regular basis
sews little stuffed animals and cute things, maybe makes some of her own clothes
reads a lot and continues to learn
has a hyper- feminine apartment in a good location
doesn't own a car (so gets exercise by walking or biking everywhere)
has worked in a toy store
has a pilot's license
has multiple income streams: started her own business (possibly a toy shop)
lives in a city she really enjoys

the way he tries to comfort me, and the singing, and the bad jokes all make me so happy
that time I was so sad, and he was so silly and "lets have tea and watch lord of the rings!" (or when he made up a long song about what we were doing and the conversation we were having and wouldn't stop singing everything he said, sitting at the table eating candy and trying to toss sockerbitar into eachothers' mouths, or when he was trying to come up with games we could play together and "I thought you would like this one because it's so cute!" and when his plan for the day was to go eat waffles and watch adventure time, how we always seem to be thinking the same thing, those long walks we used to go on, how he always wrapped his arms around me even when he wasn't awake so it was so comfortable even though my bed was so small, that week he spent staying in my room was one of the nicest I've had, all of the times he called me just to talk, wandering up and down the hallway talking about nothing in particular...
when I was horribly sad for no reason and he was listing all of the good things, including "...and you have a long haired boy!"
at the beginning, when he sent me such cheesy over the top messages and then apologized after I told him to slow down "I'm sorry, its just, you're so amazing!" (I'm so so sorry those texts are gone)

I'm so sad that all of our earlier texts are gone. all of the times I thought "maybe this is a bit much?" but now I want to go back and read them...

that one walk we went on, where we tried to come up with a name for his bike and he said something along the lines of  "bel-leaf, because of the beautiful leaves and because this is.. making me believe in humanity again.. yeah"

and it was just so perfect, wandering around town eating so much candy and walking back behind the buildings to the train station to get the bike and talking about how nice it was to have happy associations with autumn for once 

I want to remember all of these little things but I have such a terrible memory

I just want to get this job so I can live here in a cute little apartment and bake lots of things and sing in the choir and grow little flowers and make little miniatures and dioramas and do lots of art projects and keep a journal so I practice swedish and drawing and singing more and  I actually really like this town I could definitely stay here for a little while and maybe, maybe get a puppy with boyfriend or maybe even a hedgehog I just want this so, so badly

oh fuck me, I am so in love
why is this so uncomfortable

but I don't want to work in diplomacy. this internship would be great, yes, but it would be difficult and unpleasant and it would get me a long way... in directions that I don't really care to go.
and  I don't REALLY want to be able to sculpt hyperrealistic horses either. I'm fine with my little cartoony creatures, I can already pretty much make what I really want to make but I got distracted by ~improving my technique~ and stopped doing it for enjoyment and then I stopped doing it at all.
I'm coming to realize that what I actually want out of life (at least for now) is definitely within my reach. I just need to ignore my desire to compare myself to what other people are doing...
I feel so, so, SO stupid for saying this, but I really hope that this thing with L can actually go somewhere. or end peacefully when I leave?  I wouldn't mind coming back to this....even though he's so young. we both are, but. it feels so weirdly superficial right now I'm desperate to get to know him as well as I can in this limited amount of time...
(but dear god do I know this didn't work last time. but I think I actually have feelings for this boy, so maybe this will turn out differently...)