ugh. I don't know what to write about, but I feel like I have to write about something (other than blaaahh, I'm not pretty) but I've pretty much said everything. except for the depressing stuff like: I've started staying up super late again, I still have tons of homework to do, the math quiz will probably still be on monday, I understand even less of this stuff than I thought I did, I don't have the slightest fucking clue what I want to do, so I don't have the slightest fucking clue where I want to go, so I'm pretty much screwed, because I should have sent my applications in, like, yesterday instead of half-heartedly filling out five million of them and still having the essays to do, and it's already thanksgiving, they're supposed to be done before christmas break...
what do I do what do I do what do I do

I want to go somewhere warm, where I can go to the beach and wear a bikini and swim in the ocean. (but I don't want it to be too hot. or humid- my hair would be unbearable)
I want to go somewhere beautiful, like home.
I want to study aerospace engineering, or maybe civil engineering. do something important, get a good job, make lots of money.
I want to join the air force and fly fighter jets.
I want to get my pilot's license, and fly helicopters or small planes.
I want to travel, explore the world, and actually live other places instead of just visiting.
I want to travel alone. I want to travel with my friends.
I want to go to Russia, and Iceland, and Cuba, and India, and Peru, and a million other places.

I hate my hair. I hate not having any boobs. I hate how awkward and immature I am.

my mom says "you don't really think you're ugly, do you allie?"
and I say "well, no. but I'm not pretty either and therein lies the problem"
besides, you're my mother.

There's this boy, who I dreamt twice for sure.
The first was one of those odd colored dreams. I was by the sea, the cliffs, there were places to hide things in them. The boy was there, and his family: a few siblings and a grandmother I remember. I knew them already; I loved the boy. I was wearing my grandmother's ring, only it had small colored feathers attached to it. I left. I don't know why; only that it was extremely important. I only remember bits and pieces of the rest of the dream, but at the end, I came back to that same shore at sunset. I had been gone for a long time, but I was exactly the same. The boy and his family were gone. There were bones in the sand. I knew whose they were. I went over to the cliff and found a ring nearly identical to mine (I think the feathers were green and yellow). It wouldn't stay on any of my fingers so I put it on my thumb.
then I woke up, feeling rather sad.
The second dream begins with me in an elaborate gown, like they would wear in Elizabethan times. I am looking at a map of the united states. Different shades of orange blotches are spread across it. These colors represent different sects of the religion. I am the leader of the largest and most powerful sect, and therefore the queen of most of the continent. I have to meet with someone important, but I ignore that and walk out into the gardens. There is a spread of white and orange checkered tiles I walk across before I reach the edge and look over the city (I can't picture it clearly now, I've tried too hard to imagine it). There is a group of courtiers that have come into the garden with me. I can hear them talking and I ignore them. When I turn around, one of them smiles at me. a boy, very blond and snobbish looking. I don't know him. but then I realize that I recognize him from somewhere I can't quite remember. I meet with this boy again. he has changed: his skin is darker and his hair is dark and curly. but (as often happens in dreams) I am unsurprised. I know him now; it is the boy from the cliffs.
the rest of the dream switched to modern times; I think we were wandering around some ruins in the desert somewhere. it's a little hazy, but I was sorry to wake up.
Now that I think about it, the boys in my dreams often look like the boy from the cliffs, but I can't remember what his face looks like.
I read somewhere that we can only dream about faces that we've seen before.
I've never been one to believe that dreams are anything more than bits of imagination, but this makes me wonder if there's a boy like that who exists somewhere.

the snow in our yard is pink right now. it looks like the light is coming from the ground. its very strange, even though I know it's just the sunset. the air looks pink out the other window; it gives everything a strange, warm hue. there a so many beautiful sights I see, living here, but I forget them, of course. there's no real way to hold on to them.

oh, fuck you

"The negative effects of Reverse Discrimination on the white male in American society."

"The true effect of feminism on gender equality within America."

"The gay rights movement and its deterrent of males who are straight."

Really, N? I don't have the energy to write about the whole scholarship fiasco right now, but there were some real gems on facebook:

N is disgusted with the goal of feminism in this day and age. This original intent was just, but the goal has been overreached. Women now have more rights than men, and it's appauling.

first of all, what is appalling is her spelling of appalling. secondly, when asked in what situations, exactly, did women have more rights than men she answered "rape cases and custody battles". the first is blatantly false. if you want a good example of sexism and rape culture in modern society, you need look no further than a sexual harassment or rape case. secondly, custody is more often given to the woman because she is seen as the primary caretaker of the children (that's all women do, right? cook and clean and take care of kids? wait, I thought this was the 21st century) which is a product of..... sexism! which is what.... feminism aims to get rid of! wow! look at that! you just made my argument for me!

today-
"sexism doesn't exist anymore"
"oh, really?"
'Senate Republicans voted unanimously against legislation to close the pay gap between women and men. The Senate voted 58-41 against allowing debate on the Paycheck Fairness Act, which would help end discriminatory pay practices against women. It had already passed the House.'
FUUUUUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKS
seriously, what are your arguments for this?

It's a good thing I'm not ugly, otherwise I would have no friends at all

I just want someone to care about me, me in particular. more than they care about other people. no, I'm not talking about "true love" it could be anyone. no one likes me like that. I'm invited (most of the time) but more often than not, I'm simply forgotten about or ignored. none of these people will ever call me and want to get together, I always have to do it. it's been this way my entire life. is something wrong with me? I get tired of talking, only to be ignored, and feeling like I'm some petulant child begging for attention. eventually people say "you're so quiet, A" which confuses me, because I talk and laugh with people all the time, all day long; I guess they just don't notice. I want someone to actually look forward to seeing me, and would rather be with me than someone else. someone who tries to be my friend, to help me, instead of just accepting my friendship and support. I don't think K realizes how much I put up with. K, not everyone is going to laugh at your stupid jokes and complement your stupid poems and encourage you all the time and listen to your endless whiny rants and not laugh at you for being afraid of everything and not get angry at you for being childish and petty and not dump you when you take them completely for granted. I'm not one of those kids. I'm not clingy, I know when I'm not welcome. I don't pester people for gossip. no one likes the kid who's trying too hard, so I think to myself "well, that won't be hard to avoid (I'm not that outgoing). when people see me next to K (the very definition of clingy) they'll like me" instead, I just became invisible.
I'm never the lucky one either. M got the better spot today. she's the one who didn't even care! why is she vice president? she doesn't DO anything. I'm the one who does all the work. why couldn't I get the best thing just this once?
I'm applying to several different colleges. I have no idea what to do. i just can't seem to muster the energy or inspiration to write the essays. what am I going to do? I can't write those stupid essays in english or math either. I'm going to do horribly on the IB tests...
F doesn't even talk to us anymore. he's too busy basking in the attention from H and A. I don't understand! H is quiet and weird and awkward, yet everyone seems to be in love with her.