it's like this past year was a huge joke. Oh, you thought that YOU could be happy? You thought that someone would understand you and care about you? of COURSE he doesn't return your feelings. of COURSE you won't be lucky with any of your job applications. of COURSE nothing good will happen no matter what you do. this is what the rest of your life will be like, I don't know where you got the idea that something could change.

I've never had a real relationship and I doubt I ever will. People just don't like me, men are mostly boring. I found ONE that I had any inkling of interest/feelings for and of course I am not good enough. despite my efforts I almost never meet new people, how the fuck am I ever supposed to develop a romantic relationship over the amount of time it takes to get to know someone and become friends with them?

I don't understand. I don't understand what I do wrong. I don't understand how others can be horrid/immature/obnoxious/boring and still have people following them around whereas I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. and why do I have to try so hard it's embarrassing.