It's been a month and still any time I think about him my chest hurts. I feel sick, physically sick. I have nothing. no career prospects, no relationship, no money saved, no beauty or talent. I keep trying and I keep getting kicked down and laughed at, you're already SO tired they say, how will you do anything that's ACTUALLY difficult?

because I have to, because it's the only way to stay alive, because I don't have anything else to live for and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about that so I may as well distract myself with work.

(and echoing in my head "I have to get my life together" but he can't explain to me what that means except for that SHE has her life together. I will never, ever be good enough. wasn't for him. not for him, not for anyone, or anything.)