fuck I just want to die sometimes. I am so behind, this is so fucking hopeless. there's a list miles long of all the things I should have done if I wanted to get a job, I haven't, and now it's too late. what the fuck do I do? can't focus, can't make myself do anything, no point anyway bc I'm years behind and will never catch up. what do I have to look forward to? killing myself when the crushing boredom brought on by a total failure of a life catches up w/ me?

I realize that I have been extremely lucky. I do! but I am so fucking lazy and stupid that I have completely wasted the numerous amazing opportunities I've been given, and now I have nothing going for me, nothing to look forward to/work towards, and NO idea what the fuck to do. I haven't even had any fun these past few years, not even good memories to hold on to... like I want to do something, I want to move forward, I want to DO SOMETHING and work and develop but I have no idea what to do, no idea how to figure it out, and no TIME to figure it out either so I feel completely trapped and so fucking guilty/embarrassed for being such a fucking failure and still not doing anything about it.

(I  just try not to think about the fact that I have no friends and apparently am socially retarded since it seems like no matter what I do I don't have a network and people have no interest in me. plus it's so fucking exhausting to try and maintain relationships... what is wrong with me... I could have the excuse of working on my art/being in a particular field but I don't even work on my art& it sucks bc I don't practice, plus I didn't pick a specific/interesting/relevant/valuable field either)

but

I've been working on this for YEARS. If I fail now I will honestly want to kill myself. just the idea of being such a fucking failure, with nothing but utter boredom and mediocracy  ahead. so I HAVE to do this but I STILL can't make myself do anything.

I'm so angry and I'm so tired of being dismissed and ignored and laughed at.